She drew in a deep breath before she continued. “Then MacDougal traveled to Edinburgh on a matter of business, and while there, he met with someone recently from London. He returned home and informed me he knew of my ruination. After that, he began his pursuit of me in earnest. He said I was ruined to London, that I would never secure a husband here, and surely I did not wish to be on the shelf. He wanted to marry me, he insisted. Over time, he wore down my protests. One afternoon, after I received a letter from home, I accepted him. He was quite amorous and assured me he would leave straightaway the next morning to visit my father at Hornsby Grange, that we would be married in two weeks’ time.” She stopped talking and swallowed, the memory paining her. “Instead, that very night his father announced his betrothal to a local lass, who was dining at Castle MacDougal, along with her parents.”
Blixford was silent for several long minutes. At last, he asked evenly, “What manner of revenge did you plot?”
Looking ahead, she wondered if he would call off the wedding? “I shot him.”
“And he did not die?”
“I did not wish him to die. I wished him to be incapacitated.”
“How so?”
Meeting his gaze, she lifted one brow.
“Good God, Jane! You did not!”
“He recovered, but I am unclear whether he will ever father children. He took what was not his to take and I took it back. In a manner of speaking.” She faced ahead once more. “There you have it. I am used, Blixford, and I would not marry you without your full knowledge. I’m aware this is something of a prideful thing to a gentleman, and if you care to withdraw your offer, I understand completely. I will cry off, of course, because this is how it’s done. Although I do not believe anyone would be the wiser. The banns not having been read, I daresay no one is aware of our betrothal at this point.”
They rode in silence for quite some time before he asked in a dead calm voice, “Do you wish to marry me, Jane?”
“I find the notion more appealing every moment I am with you. There was a time when I fancied myself in love with you. In truth, my decision to finally accept MacDougal came on the heels of news from home that you had taken a third bride.” She met his gaze directly. “For all that I despised you at the moment I ran from home, it did not last.”
“Are you saying that you—”
“Nothing of the kind, Blixford. I see now that what I felt for you was in the nature of infatuation, a very clear attraction to your person, and your demeanor. Nevertheless, after four years of considerable thought, I am come to the conclusion that I overreacted most grievously and proceeded without reasonable consideration. And I have never forgotten the episode in the library. Nor have I experienced anything remotely like it since.”
“MacDougal was not—”
“Sir, he was not. I was overset by the whole matter, wondering what I’d got myself into, imagining myself tied to him for the rest of my life. Afterward, I experienced bitter regret. Then the announcement of his betrothal came and I thought surely I would kill him for his duplicity. Even now, I can elicit enough rage against him to start a fire without a tinder box.” She shrugged one shoulder. “I’ve come to learn, however, that raging against events has little effect on the outcome of things. One must accept and move on, mustn’t one? To do otherwise is surely madness.”
“Did you return to England because of what transpired?”
“I returned to England for the reasons I have already told you. I wanted to be closer to my family, I wish to remain in England as I grow older, and I desire a husband and family of my own. As to what transpired, I moved far away from Castle MacDougal and took up residence in Sherbourne’s fishing lodge, actually quite a lovely and spacious cottage. My maiden Cousin Sarah and her plethora of cats moved in with me to act as companion and chaperone. I lived there almost a year, until I received news from home that you were widowed, once again.”
“And had you not received this news . . . ?”
“I would be anticipating summer in the highlands.”
“So, may I surmise your return to England was specifically with the intent to marry me?”
“Of course you may, for that is the truth. And lest you think you are truly my only choice, I hasten to say, you are not. I have a considerable fortune, as you know, and there are several impoverished titles who would be happy to overlook my ruination and subsequent ill treatment of you four years ago if it gave them access to my funds. Marriage to any one of them would reinstate me in polite society.”
“But you do not wish to marry any of them?”