The Knight(24)

She sucked in her breath as the cruel truth hit her. Oh God! This… this was the kind of woman James would think to marry. A lady. A lady who’d traveled to England or France. A lady who wore fine silks and velvets and jewels. Not a provincial girl with ribbons through her hair, muddy skirts, torn nails, and sun-stained cheeks.

Joanna didn’t need to look back and forth between them to see the differences. They were so obvious, she wondered that she could have been so blind.

Perhaps she hadn’t wanted to see them? Perhaps she’d wanted to pretend and be happy for as long as she could. Perhaps she’d hoped the James she knew as a lad would never become the great knight and important lord that he’d wanted to be. Perhaps she’d hoped he would never achieve his ambition and would remain here with her. Was that it?

“Joanna?” Lady Elizabeth Douglas repeated uncertainly, her voice and face showing even more concern.

Joanna tried to wrench herself from the trance of grief, but seeing Elizabeth had sunk her even deeper. She wanted to burst into tears. She wanted to throw her arms around the sweet girl who’d been her friend and pour out her misery. But things had changed. Everything had changed. Though still sweet and guileless, the clear blue eyes that met hers were also more reserved. There was an awkwardness between them that had never been there before—the awkwardness of two people who’d been friends when rank didn’t matter and now suddenly realized that it did.

Poor Thommy. Suddenly Joanna understood the mountain he must see in front of him when he looked at Elizabeth Douglas. It must seem insurmountable—even to a man who could climb anything.

Elizabeth was still staring at her. Realizing how she must look, pride gave her the strength to get to her feet. “I’m fine,” she managed.

But barely had the lie left her mouth when she swayed. Elizabeth gasped in alarm and caught her by the shoulders. Reserve forgotten, her expression flushed with anger. “You are not fine. You look like you’ve seen a ghost. What did Jamie say to make you so upset?”

Jamie. Only Beth had ever dared to call him that.

Joanna’s heart twisted a little tighter. “It was nothing,” she responded.

Nothing. It was over.

For him that is, but not for her. The child that she’d been so excited about now felt like a badge of shame as the difficult months ahead loomed in front of her. Alone. Disgraced. How would she manage? What kind of life could her child look forward to? Without a father, without a name—she shuddered—a bastard.

Suddenly, Thom’s words came back to her. He would help her. He’d said he would marry her. Selfishly, she wanted to take him up on his offer, knowing it would save her and her child.

But he loved this ethereal, oblivious young woman before her, and if there was any chance…

Her eyes went to Elizabeth, to the woman who looked more like a princess than the possible bride of a blacksmith’s son. Was there a chance?

“I’m sorry, my lady,” Joanna said. “It was lovely to see you, but I have to go. I have to find Thom before he leaves.”

Had she not been watching carefully, she might have missed it, but there was an unmistakable flicker in Lady Elizabeth’s gaze. It was too fleeting, however, to decipher.

Her childhood friend stiffened, looking every inch the noblewoman. “Leaves?” she repeated.

Joanna kept her gaze plastered on Elizabeth’s face. “Aye, did he not tell you? He’s leaving the village to pledge his service to Edward Bruce.”

“As a blacksmith?”

Joanna shook her head. “As a man-at-arms.”

Elizabeth’s eyes widened. “He is?”

Joanna nodded, waiting for some kind of telltale reaction.

She didn’t get one. Elizabeth simply looked befuddled. “Why would he do that?” she said finally. “Thommy’s going to be a blacksmith like his father.”

That was the way of it. Men didn’t just choose to be something different. They were what they were.

“I thought you might know why,” Joanna said gently.

Elizabeth held her gaze and beneath the confusion, Joanna saw the shadow of something else. Something of which Elizabeth didn’t even seem aware. Something that was too vague and unformed to put a name on but that was clearly not indifference.

Elizabeth’s cheeks flushed with embarrassment and she nodded. “I never meant…” She bit her lip. “I never realized…” Her expression hardened, her mouth screwed up the way it had done when she was a child. “Thom was my friend. Why did he have to ruin everything? Why couldn’t he leave it like that?”

Joanna’s hope sank. Although clearly, Elizabeth didn’t know what to make of Thom’s declaration, she was not immune. It might be nothing more than the flicker of possibility, but Joanna would not take that from him. She could not marry him. She was on her own. She would have to face the consequences of her actions by herself.