‘Casanova eh?’ he sniggered. ‘Naughty.’
‘New house to you,’ replied Barnaby. ‘Although I’ve no doubt the tricks’ll be as old as the hills.’
‘Looks promising though. Ten beautiful girls.’
‘A vulture’s egg is promising, son,’ replied Barnaby, getting out of the car. ‘You can wait here.’ He smiled as he pressed the buzzer, feeling the lance of Troy’s resentment between his shoulder blades. Barnaby said, ‘Krystal please,’ to a squawking voice box.
‘Mind how you go on the steps, dear.’
The flight of stairs was dimly lit. At the bottom one of the ten beautiful girls - ten - stepped forward. She could have been any age between thirty and sixty. The only certain thing was she hadn’t been a girl since he’d been a boy scout. Her hair had the colour and dusty bloom of black grapes. She wore lipstick like vermilion Vaseline and thick makeup journeyed over the eruptions and into the craters of her complexion. You could join all those dots up till the cows came home, thought Barnaby, and never reach the hidden treasure. She wore leopard-patterned shorts, a matching open-ended bra and heels so high that she seemed to be balancing on patent-leather stilts. She teetered forward, held his arm with an expert touch and smiled, showing teeth like pearls from a polluted oyster.
‘I expect you want to be a naughty boy, don’t you, dear?’
‘Not really,’ said Barnaby, disengaging himself and producing his warrant card.
‘Jeezuseffchrist. What the hell do you want? We’re all legal here, you know.’
‘I’m sure.’ He produced the passport snap. ‘Do you know this man?’
A quick glance. ‘Course I do. That’s Mr Lovejoy.’
‘Was he here last Friday afternoon? The seventeenth?’
‘He bloody lives here, mate.’
‘I need to know precisely.’
‘You’d better talk to Krystal then.’
‘Would you ask her to come here, please.’
‘She’ll come anywhere will that one - for a price.’ She gave him a nudge. ‘You look a well-set-up bloke. Why don’t you pop back when you’re off duty? Loosen up a bit. Treat yourself.’ She gave his blank stare a minute to change its mind and then said, ‘Oh well - be miserable then. Krystal’s doing the art class. She’ll be ten minutes yet. Second door on the right.’
Barnaby lifted a velvet curtain and found himself in a cold stone corridor. There were doors on both sides. He opened the second on the right and found himself facing another very musty curtain. He pushed this aside and passed through with unnecessary caution. Not a head turned. They were all watching the stage.
On a brightly lit dais a well-developed girl stood registering alarm in the commedia dell’arte manner: eyes wide, hands splayed out to ward off danger, half turning to flee. She wore a schoolgirl’s pleated skirt, white shirt and blazer. A felt hat with a striped band perched insecurely on her head. She had waist-length blond hair. A young man in tight trousers, velvet jacket and matching beret was painting the air in front of an easel. A harsh male voice, underpinned by a lot of martial bump and grind music, blasted out of two wall speakers.
‘And so the lovely Bridgeat, desperate to purchase medicines for her dying father, was tricked by the notorious artist Fouquet into leaving the convent and posing in his attic studio. Despite his fervid assurances to the contrary the lecherous Fouquet revealed, once she was securely in his lair, that the money would be paid only for a nude study!’
Here the young man mimed rather graphically what he wanted the lovely Brigitte to do. She wept and wailed and wrung her hands, then, tremblingly, affectingly, started to undress. First the blazer, then the little white schoolgirl blouse that she was bursting out of, then the tiny pleated skirt. She cowered realistically, folding slender arms across an extravagantly ample bosom. The voice crackled on.
‘“If you wish to save your beloved father’s life you know what you must do,” cried the evil Fouquet.’
Weeping, the girl removed her lace-up shoes, knee socks and bra. The evil Fouquet, not to be outdone, slipped out of his velvet smock, revealing a hairless dark brown chest. Brigitte was now left in the sort of briefs any self-respecting Mother Superior would have consigned to the flames with tongs.
‘But as the lascivious artiste attempted to position the lovely virgin he was swept away on a tide of desire.’
Surprise, surprise, thought Barnaby, yawning. He slipped back through the curtain and waited in the Colditz corridor. The dreary posturings in the art class gave him a sudden sharp perspective on his home life and the clean sweet embraces he shared with Joyce. So her Bakewell Surprise could double as a manhole cover. So his daughter looked like the wreck of the Hesperus and had a Swiftian line in put-downs. He compared her with Doctor Lessiter’s special friend and counted his blessings.