And then his head dropped and his lips covered hers, his lips warm, his breath scented with cinnamon and cider. He kissed her lightly, gently, the pressure just enough to send shivers of pleasure racing up and down her spine.
She reached up, cupping his cheek, fingernails lightly playing against the rough bristles of his beard. He felt so good, his mouth knew hers and she did exactly what he said-she breathed him in, loving him.
It was impossible to be McKenna Douglas without loving Trey Sheenan.
He deepened the kiss, just enough to part her lips, the tip of his tongue tracing the softness of her lower lip and she tingled, growing hot, cold, feeling alive from the top of her head to her tippy toes.
She wanted to tell him she loved him. She wanted to tell him that she'd never stopped loving him but the words wouldn't come. She was still too afraid of giving him the power to break her heart.
Again.
"Hey, um, Mom." It was TJ in the doorway, and he'd stuck his head outside. "Your spaghetti sauce smells weird on the stove."
Chapter Fourteen
‡
Sometime in the night it stopped snowing and when they all woke in the morning, the world was a sparkling landscape of frosty white beneath a brilliant blue sky.
TJ and Trey spent the morning sledding and building a snowman before coaxing McKenna out for a massive snowball fight.
It was, as TJ described it, the fight to end all fights, and they ran through the woods, down Cray Road, tramping through knee high powdery snow.
The air was cold and the chill stung McKenna's cheeks but it was also exhilarating racing around lobbing soft snowballs while ducking behind trees.
For a half hour the snowballs flew fast and furious with TJ and Trey joining forces to ambush McKenna. But then TJ changed teams and she and TJ launched a dozen snowballs at Trey, succeeding in getting several well placed ones in his face and collar.
TJ howled with laughter as Trey shook the snow out of his shirt, and then laughed again as Trey took McKenna down, turning her into a shrieking snow angel.
And then they were all snow angels, lying on their backs beneath the intensely blue sky, moving their arms and legs to create their angel wings.
Chilled from lying in the snow, TJ jumped up and raced to get the sled for one more trip down the hill and Trey gave McKenna a hand, pulling her up to her feet.
"When he stops moving, he's going to be soaked through and cold," McKenna said, watching TJ wrestle with the sled.
"He'll need a hot bath and dry clothes."
"Then lunch, and hopefully a nap."
Trey stretched. "A nap sounds good." He looked down at her and there was heat in his gaze. Desire, too.
She felt herself grow warm even as her heart began to thud, harder, faster.
Awareness licked at her veins, making her belly flip flop.
It would feel amazing to be with him, naked against him, his body filling hers. But the physical would cloud her judgment. The physical would make being rational impossible.
She took a steady step backwards, even as she hoped he'd close the distance and kiss her anyway.
Kiss her again, like he had last night …
Instead he took several steps back, also, and they were now standing a yard or two apart. As if strangers.
She didn't know why she felt a sudden urge to cry. She didn't know why everything about this moment suddenly felt so deeply unsatisfying.
"This is the Christmas I wanted," he said. "Thank you, Mac."
He sounded sincere but for some reason his sincerity just made her more upset. My pleasure," she said stiffly.
"I've loved every minute I've been able to spend with TJ."
She ground her teeth together. "You said you wanted Christmas with your son. I'm glad you're getting it."
"Not just with him, with you, too."
"Right."
The edge of his mouth lifted. "I mean it."
"Sure. That's why you came to the church to sort out TJ's custody."
"You know it wasn't just about TJ. I was there for you, too."
Her chin jerked up. "It didn't seem that way."
"You were in a wedding gown, marrying someone else. I couldn't exactly storm the church and take you prisoner. There were a hundred and fifty people watching. I had to be careful. Discrete."
She exhaled hard. "You might want to stop talking. Now you're just making me mad."
"Why? Because I've finally grown up enough to realize that what I want and need might not be what you want and need?"
"I'm not sure what you're saying."
He clapped his black gloves, knocking off excess snow. "Let's not do this now."
Her heart felt as if he was about to leap out of her chest. "Do what?"
"Have this conversation. We've had a really fun day, and it's been an incredible Christmas so far-"
"We absolutely do need to have this conversation now. This," she said, jabbing her mitten finger downward, "is exactly what we need to discuss." She stared him in the eye, fierce and furious. And scared. Terribly, terribly scared. "Are you saying you don't want me?"
"That's not what I'm saying."
"Then what are you saying?"
"I'm saying … ." He drew a breath and yet his expression was firm, and totally unapologetic. "TJ needs us together. I'd like us together. But I'm not sure if us being together is the best thing for you."
She dragged air into her lungs, hating the bittersweet pain that filled her heart. She focused on the wet sheen of icicles lining the edge of the cabin roof to keep from crying or getting even more emotional. "I don't believe you."
His shoulders shifted. "I love you enough to want what's best for you. I'm not sure I'm the best for you."
"Why? What's changed?"
"I have. I know why I love you, and I know what I want for you, and that's for you to be happy. And peaceful. I make you happy some of the time, but together, darlin', we're not peaceful. I don't make you calm and easy. With me, you worry. But I don't want my girl scared and worrying. That's not good for you, not good for us, and not good for our son."
She couldn't believe what she was hearing. And yet, hadn't she just wondered if she could love him? If she could trust him not to hurt her? Not to break her heart again? Did she feel confident in them … or him? "I don't know why you're doing this now."
"I want to protect you."
"Protect me? Or, do you mean, protect yourself? Because my gut is saying you're the coward. My gut is saying you don't want to do the hard work required to make us succeed. My gut thinks you've decided to give up … take the easy way out. That's what I think!"
He gazed at her a long time, eyes flashing fire, but he waited to speak until his tone was calm. Controlled. "I haven't given up on us-I will never give up on us-but we have to be honest and do what is best for each other. Loving me is hard on you, Mac. Loving me hurts you, honey. It took me a long time to get it. Took me those four years in prison to understand what it means to hurt for someone, and baby, I hurt for you. And I hurt for hurting you and I can't ever cause you pain like that again. I couldn't live with myself if I did that."
She turned away to look toward the dark blue lake with its perimeter of snow frosted trees. It was so pretty … so romantic … and yet there was nothing pretty or romantic about what Trey was saying. "You're killing me," she whispered, reaching up to tug her knit cap down. "You give me hope and then you just take it all away."
"I'm not trying to hurt you. I'm trying to protect you from future pain-"
"The future isn't here! There's nothing here but you and me and TJ. So Sheenan, don't you dare say you're being practical and honest and all mature, because guess what? You're not that practical and mature. You came to my wedding Saturday, you interrupted the service, you took TJ and then you grabbed me, stealing us from the church. You kidnapped me on my wedding day. And you didn't turn around, you didn't go back, and you didn't feel remorse. You dragged us to a diner for a wedding night dinner and somehow between Marietta and White Sulphur Springs you captured TJ's heart, and melted mine, and sorry, but you can't act all good and chivalrous now, because it's too late! You're not this great guy. You're not selfless and you're not altruistic and your love is demanding and fierce and you do want me. You still want me, you bastard, and don't you ever say you don't!"
She shoved her mitten across her face, wiping her eyes, swiping at her nose. "Don't you ever," she repeated thickly. "Because it's not fair. Not when we both know what we've always known-we were made for each other. We are meant to be together. And that's why we have a son together. He's not an accident. We are not an accident. And I'm tired of living like we-this-us-is just one colossal mistake!"