Elroy scratched his dick and said, "I have an idea. Why don't we set up an account for you, get you a username, and we'll make a jack vid together? I'll set up the web cam."
"You have to be joking," Kyle said. "Most people are on their way to church now. Please tell me you're not serious about this."
It seemed that no matter what he said to Kyle, it turned out to be an unintentional insult that wound up pissing him off. All Elroy wanted to do was have a little fun. It was Sunday morning; they had nothing to do. He didn't want to sit around in the room all day and read books. So he closed the computer and changed the subject. "Get dressed and let's go out to brunch. I'm starved."
In a lame attempt to be polite this time, Kyle lifted his head, groaned, and said, "I can't even move my legs without feeling pain. I've heard of food poisoning but I never thought it would be this bad. I don't want to think about food for the next month."
"Stop being so dramatic," Elroy said. He'd noticed Kyle always seemed to drag things out and in such a dramatic way. "Get dressed and we'll take a ride to the Cape. We don't have to eat. We can just walk around and look at the ocean."
"I can't even get out of bed," Kyle said. "I've never been this sick before."
Elroy was losing patience fast. He knew Kyle well enough by then to realize that no matter what he said, he couldn't win. He'd learned it was easier to pacify him and indulge his eccentric moods than it was to fight them. So he stood up and walked to the bathroom. "I'm gonna shower and get dressed. I need to eat, man. I'll see you later."
Kyle pulled the covers over his head and turned on his side.
A half hour later, Elroy grabbed his jacket and car keys and glanced at Kyle's bed. Did he have to look so pathetic and adorable at the same time? He was still on his side, in the same fetal position he'd been in before Elroy went into the bathroom. "I'm headed out now," Elroy said. "You need anything?"
Without moving, Kyle said, "If you could get me something for my stomach I'd appreciate it. We don't even have aspirin in here."
Kyle already had one foot out the door. He sent his roommate a backward glance and said, "Cool. I'll see you later." Then he shut the door without even waiting for Kyle to reply. He couldn't wait to get out of there. He'd never had much patience for sick people.
On the way down to the car, he couldn't remember if Kyle had asked for something for his stomach or for his head. He'd complained so much about headaches, Elroy wasn't sure. Elroy laughed when he thought about what Kyle really needed: something for his ass. A big fat bone would cure his headache once and for all.
Elroy had never had a headache in his life, and he couldn't even remember the last time he'd been sick to his stomach. Those pesky little illnesses other people talked about all the time never seemed to affect Elroy. He didn't catch colds and he would never understand people with those annoying allergies. Two weeks earlier he'd been sitting in a class next to a young woman who couldn't stop sneezing and sniffing. Her nose was red and her eyes were glazed. She'd apologized and explained she had allergies that time of year. Instead of sympathizing with her, he felt like kicking her in the ass. At the time, he'd smiled and said, "I think I'll sit somewhere else, then."
Instead of going for something to eat first, Elroy decided he'd drive over to see how the Weaver twins were doing. After all, he'd invited them out last night and Kyle had ruined the whole evening with his ridiculous vomiting. Elroy felt responsible and he didn't want Cheever and Cleaver to hold it against him. A guy didn't find two hot sexy identical twins like them every day of the week. He didn't want them to get mad at him for something he hadn't been able to control.
So he stopped at a bakery and bought Danish and doughnuts. He never ate shit like that but he figured they did. He didn't call first; he wanted to surprise them. He knew their car: a white Jeep with a black canvas top. When he pulled up to their building and saw the Jeep out front, he smiled and wondered if they were still in bed sleeping. Though they never had sex with each other, he knew they slept in the same bed every night. For some reason he found difficult to explain, thinking of them in the same bed always made him hard.
When he knocked on their door, Cleaver opened it and rubbed his eyes. "Hey, man. What's up?" He wore a plain white T-shirt that hugged his large chest, and tight white boxer briefs that created a huge lumpy bulge between his legs.
Elroy handed him the white bakery box and said, "I felt bad about last night, dude. I wanted to stop by and apologize for what happened. My buddy Kyle's a little quirky. He's nice guy, but sometimes he's a little eccentric."