In the room, everything magnified: cinders dropping on the hearth, a tiny scratching at the baseboard, the smell of ink, the etch of the fleur de lis on the button.
I took a clean sheet of stationery.
19 January 1827
Dear Handful,
My heart is full. I try to imagine you with Charlotte and a new sister, and I can’t dream what you must feel. I’m happy for you. At the same time, I’m sad to know of the scars your mother bears, all the horrors she must have lived through. But I won’t focus on that now, only on your togetherness.
Did you know once, when we were girls, Charlotte made me vow that one day I would do whatever I could to help you get free? We were out by the woodpile where the little orphaned barn owl lived. I remember it like yesterday. I confess now, that’s why I taught you to read. I told myself reading was a kind of freedom, the only one I could give. I’m sorry, Handful. I’m sorry I couldn’t keep the vow any better.
I still have the silver button you rescued after I tossed it out. As I write you now, it sits beside the inkwell, reminding me of the destiny I always believed was inside of me, waiting. How can I explain such a thing? I simply know it the way I know there’s an oak tree inside an acorn. I’ve been filled with a hunger to grow this seed my whole life. I used to think I was supposed to become a lawyer, perhaps because that’s what Father and Thomas did, but it was never that. These days, I feel inspired to become a Quaker minister. Doing so will at least provide me a way to do what I tried to do on my eleventh birthday, that day you were cruelly given to me to own. It will allow me to tell whoever might listen that I can’t accept this, that we can’t accept slavery, it must end. That’s what I was born for—not the ministry, not the law, but abolition. I’ve come to know it only this night, but it has always been the tree in the acorn.
Tell your mother I’m glad she has found you again. Greet your sister for me. I’ve failed in many things, even in my love for you, but I think of you as my friend.
Sarah
Handful
That winter mauma sat idle by the fire in the kitchen house. She got a little weight back on her, but sometimes she had spells when she couldn’t keep down her food and we’d be back where we started. Mauma said every time she saw me, I was coming at her with a piece of biscuit.
We had plenty of vacant slave quarters, but the three of us stayed on together in the cellar room. Goodis brought in a little bed from the nursery, and we wedged it beside the big bed and slept three peas in a pod underneath the quilt frame. Sky asked one time what was all that wood nailed on the ceiling, and I said, “You never saw a quilt frame?” and mauma said, “Well, you ain’t never seen a rice field, so yawl even.”
Mauma still wouldn’t talk about what’d happened to her. She’d say, “What’s done’s done.” Most nights, though, she’d wake up and pace the room, and it didn’t seem done at all. I realized the best curing thing for her was a needle, a thread, and a piece of cloth. One day, I told her I needed some help and handed her the mending basket. When I came back, the needle was a hummingbird in her fingers.
The hardest part was finding work for Sky. She couldn’t do the laundry to save her life. I got Sabe to try her in the house cleaning and serving tea with me and Minta, but missus said she didn’t look the part, and put off the guests. After that, she went to work in the kitchen house, but she drove Aunt-Sister crazy with her chatter, stories about rabbits out-tricking foxes and bears. She usually ended up on the porch, singing in Gullah. Ef oona ent kno weh oona da gwuine, oona should kno weh oona dum from. That same song, over and over. If you don’t know where you’re going, you should know where you came from.
One morning on the tail end of winter, the knocker clacked on the front door and in came Mr. Huger, the solicitor, stomping the cold off his feet. He handed me his hat while Sabe went to get missus.