I am just thankful this man didn't have any family with him. There is nothing about a doctor yelling about "big-lipped vaginas" that will make you feel like your loved one is in good hands. Unless, of course, your loved one has a problem with their big-lipped vagina; then you know you came to the right place and might think, “Boy, this doctor is passionate about his practice.”
Unfortunately, that isn't the case here.
Amy starts to draw up epinephrine, already anticipating what actually needs to be done. Amy and I have been running our own codes for so long now that it's old hat, but Dr. Simon needs some practice. So here we are, attempting to defibrillate a man out of V-fib (irregular, life-threatening heart rhythm) while becoming more uncomfortable by the minute because Dr. Simon is shouting about “momma's pussy.”
Don't let your thoughts wander with that scenario or else you will end up some place extremely disturbing. Don't do it! Save yourself! Think about happy things, like Ryan Gosling's abs…
"Let's attempt to defibrillate him out of…TITS…out of BIG TITTIES…out of V-fib. All clear. Hands off the patient," Dr. Simon hollers as he attempts to shock this patient into some type of life-sustaining rhythm.
"'Defibrillate him out of big titties'? Didn't know they added that to one of the ACLS Algorithms," a husky voice whispers into my ear.
ACLS Algorithms are basically standard protocols that we follow when faced with code situations. I smirk and laugh quietly to myself before I look up to see where that voice came from. I see the most striking blue eyes staring back at me. Eyes that nearly take my breath away and make me forget my name.
This man is extremely muscular, well over six foot, and looking like absolute sin in a pair of simple navy scrubs. His blue eyes are even more pronounced under his thick, black lashes and messy, jet-black hair. His badge reads Dr. Trent Hamilton.
God, even his name is sexy.
I look over at Amy and see that she notices this hot piece of eye candy standing near me. She's looking at me with a huge grin on her face. I give her the 'holy shit, this guy is hot!' look and she discreetly nods her head. Then, in true Amy fashion, she proceeds to stroke her epinephrine syringe while she bites on her bottom lip.
I swear I can't take her anywhere.
My eyes widen a little in a desperate endeavor to get Amy to stop showing off her hand-job techniques in the middle of a code. She just continues to fondle her syringe to satisfaction, and this leaves my best friend with two options: either she knocks it off or I'll give her a swift cunt punch after work. I'm being completely serious here, too. Just ask Amy about the infamous Slackers vs. Mallrats argument. After numerous shots of tequila and being thrown out of Murphy's Pub, she found out that getting punched in the vagina really does hurt like a motherfucker.
After giving Amy several 'I'm going to donkey-punch your taint' looks, she decides it's in her best interest to stop the stroking. I notice that Dr. Beautiful continues to stand back and watch Dr. Simon run an extremely attention-grabbing code.
I have a suspicion that he came to observe the notorious Dr. Simon for his own amusement, because word tends to spread like wildfire around this hospital. Luckily, we are able to defibrillate the truck driver out of V-fib and get him stable enough to be transferred to the ICU vented and in critical condition.
Drugs that include cocaine, meth, and barbiturates were found in the trucker's system. The man most likely had a massive heart attack and honestly is damn lucky to be alive at this point. I'm just thankful we were able to get through that code with only hearing a few more inappropriate comments from Dr. Simon. “Whip me," "handcuff my balls," and "vibrating anal beads" were a few of my favorites. My guess is that he's probably a Fifty Shades of Grey fan.
Chapter Six
“The first step in fixing a problem starts with admitting you have a problem. My name is Ellen and my traitor nipples have an addiction to sexy physicians.”
As I'm sitting at the nurses' station, updating some patient charts, I look up to see Dr. Hamilton leaning over my computer screen, smiling. “Uh, can I help you with something?” I say, sounding a little irritated.
He shakes his head slightly while still grinning at me and then mumbles quietly to himself. The only thing I managed to hear was “doesn't remember.” My eyebrows turn in as I contemplate the notion that this hot doctor might be a little crazy.
After an awkward silence, he introduces himself. "Hi, I'm Trent Hamilton, the new trauma surgeon that's temporarily taking over Dr. Grey's practice. You must be the infamous Ellen James?"
Infamous? What the hell? Is that like a code word for 'I hear you're a good fuck'?