The Infamous Ellen James(68)
"Hey! Get a room, you two!" Amy yells over to us.
I could honestly care less that my best friend is hurling obscenities our way. Trent's mouth on mine is the only thing my brain is focusing on in this moment. I can vaguely hear the rest of the bus heckling us, and then I feel an odd sensation of plastic being rubbed against my back. I pull away from Trent and peer back only to see Amy pretending to dry hump a naked inflatable doll, which is now sandwiched between her and my back.
"You and your new girlfriend are being fucking cock-blockers right now," Trent voices to Amy with a laugh.
"God I love this guy, Elle! Can we keep him forever and ever?"
"Yeah, Elle. Will you keep me?" Trent's blue eyes are expectant, with an ever-so-slight hint of amusement laced in.
"Eh, I guess so. At least for a little awhile." I simper back at him. God yes, I definitely want to keep this one. I know that in order to do this I may have to become a psycho-stalker and follow his ass to Seattle. And well…I think I'm actually entertaining this idea.
"Hopefully it's going to turn out better than that time Elle decided to get a cat!" Amy bellows loudly.
"Shut up, labia face! Leave Bea Arthur out of this!" I flip Amy off with both hands.
"Bea Arthur? As in Bea Arthur from the Golden Girls?" Trent grabs my chin and pulls it toward his face so I am looking directly in his eyes. He's visibly holding back laughter.
"Yes as in Bea Arthur from the motherfucking Golden Girls!"
"I need to hear this story, babe."
"No way. No how. You are not getting the cat story out of me. At least not tonight. Definitely not tonight!" My cheeks flush a little with embarrassment, and I'm just going to blame it on the alcohol and not the fact that the Bea Arthur story is one thing Trent will never let me live down. Amy still brings the cat story up to this day, and I wouldn't be surprised if her drunk ass spills the beans about it at some point during this night of debauchery.
Basically, Bea Arthur was an asshole.
That cat wreaked havoc on my life for three straight weeks before I finally threw in the towel, and decided I'm not a cat person. Bea Arthur seemed to find enjoyment out of knocking random shit over at the most inopportune times. She also loved to hide out underneath my bed so she could attack my legs while I was getting ready for work. That cat scared the shit out of me and I'm pretty sure she was possessed. Bea Arthur was judgy, neurotic, and had a propensity for shitting outside of her litter box. And that's just the summarized version of the hellish period that Bea Arthur lived with Amy and I. I'm not even going to get into the fact that she managed to sneak into my Amish neighbor's apartment and attack his goat…
Needless to say, that goat ambush was the very last straw for the feline bitch that was Bea Arthur. Don't worry, I was nice enough to find Satan's spawn a nice home with a family who could handle her judgmental attitude. And to answer the question that's probably on your mind right now, yes, my Amish neighbor may or may not have a goat that lives with him part-time. That's a whole other story for an entirely different day.
After bar hopping around Charlotte, the party bus pulls up to our final destination, Trixie's. This is one of the best strip clubs downtown Charlotte, North Carolina, has to offer. When Amy and I planned Tony's night of shenanigans, we knew this party wouldn't be complete without a trip to a strip club. Tony looks over at me and Amy with shocked delight. I'm not sure why he's surprised; he should have expected nothing less from the dynamic duo.
"Have I told you girls how much I love you!" Tony grabs Rachel, Amy, and me into a tight hug. We're all shitfaced and practically falling over each other at this point. I giggle into his chest as Amy professes her vagina's undying love for Tony and Rachel. I'm not sure why that's another one of her drunk things, but it happens far too often. Amy loves to profess her vagina's undying love for people whenever she gets hammered. And her vagina apparently isn't biased upon gender—she's loves both men and women alike. Her vagina likes food, too. I once saw her make a drunken vagina profession in the middle of Taco Bell. She animatedly told the girl at the counter about her vagina's love for Cheesy Gordita Crunches. Then she proceeded to call her snatch Cheesy Chalupa for the rest of the night, telling everyone in a ten mile radius that she was extra juicy and her special sauce tasted like nacho cheese. Things got a little more than bizarre and uncomfortable that night…
We stroll into Trixie's and see scantily clad waitresses taking drink orders near high top tables across from the main bar. This strip club is small, intimate, and it only has one main stage with a single stripper pole. There are several open seats near the main stage so we immediately head that way. Trent sits down, grabs my hips, and immediately pulls me onto his lap. I look over and see Rachel and Tony sitting close, visibly enjoying their party. I swear those two are going to be together forever. The moment Tony introduced me to Rachel a little over a year ago, I knew she was the one for him.