An X-Ray technician arrives in the room after I've managed to draw blood to ensure she's stable to go under anesthesia and started an IV with fluids now running to get her well-hydrated for surgery. I walk out to the nurses' station and sit down, waiting for X-Ray to finish and a surgeon to arrive. I'm charting my current assessment for the obsessive anal fixator and glance up to see Trent strolling through the ER doors. I can't help but grin as he walks toward me, still dressed in the clothes he was in earlier today when he dropped me off at my apartment.
"Oh thank god! Dr. Hamilton is here to save the day!" I act overly excited and he shakes his head, laughing at my sarcasm. Trent sits down next to me just as the X-Ray tech drops off Katy's films. I slide them over to him and give him a huge smile.
"Here you go. She's all yours."
Trent pulls the films from the giant yellow envelope and his eyes go wide at the sight of a perfectly intact light bulb lodged inside someone's anal cavity. "Are you joking with me right now? I got called in for this." He runs his hand through his hair in irritation.
"Definitely not joking with you. Your patient Katy accidentally fell on this light bulb and now it's lodged inside of her ass."
"Wow. That is the most ridiculous story I have ever heard. Is this the same Katy that Dr. Mitchell had to remove an aerosol can from of last week?" He flips to the next slide, an even closer view of the problem he's just been hired to fix.
Not your brightest idea, Katy.
"Yes, that's her. The obsessive anal fixator." I click through her electronic chart, pulling up the files I know he will need to look through, labs included. "Here you go. This is everything you'll need. Her labs look fine, and I've got her in bed two standing straight up. I refuse to let her sit down on my bed. I'm not in the mood to deal with shards of glass and a hemorrhaging asshole tonight." He chuckles and slides his chair closer to me, glancing through Katy's medical history.
"You know I wasn't even first call tonight, but I agreed to come in when they called and said it was you who was requesting a surgeon. Now I'm rethinking my decision." He winks at me before standing up and heading towards Katy's room.
"Aw, you're the sweetest, Dr. Hamilton! I owe you big time!" I yell over to him as he walks into bed two.
Trent peeks out from behind the curtain. "I'll remember that, and I'll make a list of all the ways you can make this up to me!" He calls back with a wicked grin.
Trent saves the day and successfully removes the light bulb from Katy's ass. She's now in recovery and doing fine. I really hope this girl will get some help, because her anal fixation is starting to put her life at risk.
Death by anal fixation.
Don't feel bad. I'm laughing my ass off, too.
I have another patient in bed three and start scrolling through the chart. My eyes immediately grow wide when I see his name… Frank Dubussy. The paranoid schizophrenic who frequently forgets to take his medication. The same man I've now witnessed twice walking the streets near my apartment. My gut told me I would be seeing him soon in one of my ER beds, and it looks like my instincts were spot on.
My heart goes out to this man; really, it does. His mental illness takes a toll on him daily, and his quality of life is truly questionable. I quickly call one of our psychologists on staff and request that he sees Frank immediately. Then I ask Tony to walk into his room with me. There's one thing I've learned from working in the ER for as long as I have, and that's to always bring a strong man into an already established crazy patient's room with you. You just never know what could happen, and it's best to have another person there to help if they get violent. Frank has never gotten violent with me, but he's been extremely inappropriate before, making sexually explicit suggestions that made even me feel violated and uncomfortable.
Tony and I walk in to find Frank pacing back and forth in the room, his hands furiously grabbing handfuls of his greasy, dirty hair. He's sweating, panting heavily, visibly anxious, and frantically talking to himself in hushed tones. He doesn't even notice our presence in the room, and I'm thankful I grabbed a syringe of Haldol. This medication is an anti-psychotic that I will be more than willing to use on him if he starts to get violent.
Paranoid schizophrenics are extremely difficult to deal with when they're in a mental state like Frank currently is. He's too far gone from reality, and rational thought is not even capable at this point. Tony and I try to wait for one of our psychologists to get in the room before we confront Frank, but he notices us standing in the room. Tony has leather restraints in his right hand, which are securely behind his back, out of Frank's view. We have both had intense confrontations with this man and are all too aware of what he is capable of.