The Infamous Ellen James(58)

"Yeah, apparently my vagina was too drunk for his liking. Fucking dickhead…” Amy grumbles into her ice cream, and now I just got that missing piece. I swear, sometimes Amy just can't seem to grasp the big picture, especially when it comes to men. She's pissed off at James for refusing to have sex with her because she was too intoxicated. I think I just gained a hell of a lot of respect for that man. If I had more time, I'd sit down, chat with Amy, and try to get her to open her fucking eyes, but work calls.

"Can we finish this conversation tomorrow? I have to get ready for work."

"Sure. I can't wait to rehash how some guy refused to make boom-boom with my so-called 'drunken vagina,'" Amy rolls her eyes dramatically as she uses her fingers for air quotes.

Looks like I'm going to have my work cut out for me with this situation.





Chapter Twenty-Three



“My bright idea came to me one night, deep inside my rectum…said no one ever.”



"Ellen, I just placed a patient in bed two," Trudy says as she sets the chart down in front of me. "I should warn you… It's Katy." I sigh heavily before grabbing Katy's giant chart and glancing up at Trudy. She's one of our emergency room registrars, and the fact that even she knows who Katy is should tell you that the ER might as well be this woman's second home.

Katy Parson is a thorn in my side. A raging yeast infection inside my snatch; a cluster of hemorrhoids in my ass. No joke. She's a thirty-year-old woman whose presence of facial hair and absence of proper hygiene has a strong resemblance to Chewbacca. She frequents my ER because she has an obsession with anal fixation and a strong proclivity for sticking random household items up her ass. Last week, it was a tube of toothpaste, and the week before that, it was an aerosol can of air freshener.

I'm cringing at what she may have stuck up her ass tonight.

The list of possibilities is endless…

"Thanks, Trudy," I say before standing up and walking toward bed two. This is one of those moments where I ask myself, Why in the hell did I choose nursing as a career?

"Well what brings you in tonight, Katy? I feel like I just saw you in here the other day with… What was it? A bottle of Febreeze trapped in your rectum?" I've lost my patience with this girl, and I'm more than aware that sarcasm is leaking from my voice like a faucet.

"I was changing my light bulbs and one accidentally got stuck…"

Seriously? A god damn light bulb?

I roll my eyes in annoyance and set her chart on the bedside table.

"An accident?" My look says You're full of shit, and I know it.

"Yes, an accident. I just don't know how I keep getting myself into these situations." She laughs nervously as she awkwardly adjusts on the bed. I grab my phone and call the nurse's station, telling our hospital secretary to put a call out to the first surgeon available and notify X-Ray that I need them up here right now. The fact that she has a glass light bulb lodged in her rectum has definitely met the requirements for emergency surgery, and I can tell by the way she's barely sitting on the bed that she's telling the truth.

"Throw this gown on and just go ahead and stand for the time being. The last thing we need is for the light bulb to burst while it's still inside of you. X-Ray should be up shortly. This accident is most likely going to require emergency surgery." I set a patient gown on her bed, get supplies to begin drawing blood, and start her IV.

"Emergency surgery?! Oh my god! Can't they just pull it out? I mean, it went in pretty easily…” Her eyes are wide as the entire situation registers in her mind.

"Uh, yeah. Light bulbs are glass, therefore, the only way to remove it safely from your rectum is to have you under sedation and in the operating room." I place the tourniquet around her arm and start perusing for a good vein. I can see she's starting to get scared at the mere idea of going into surgery, and a small part of me is sympathetic for her, but the other part of me, the part that's seen her continuously mutilate her asshole with her sick obsession, is extremely aggravated.

This woman is now starting to put her life in jeopardy and I'm not sure how much further she can take this. We've tried everything to get her into counseling, therapy, anything to help her work through her questionable mental state, and she continually refuses our supportive resources. The entire situation is frustratingly exasperating. How do you help someone who doesn't want to be helped? And even more importantly, how do you get someone to stop heaving random objects up her butt?

Who wakes up and says, “Hmmm, I think I'll make my coffee, read the newspaper, and maybe attempt to put this coffee pot in my ass”?

A crazy person, that's who; a crazy person who is otherwise ignorant to the fact that she may quite literally die with cleaning supplies hanging out of her rectum. And why doesn't she just buy a dildo, a vibrator, or a butt plug? Even anal beads might do the trick! She obviously prefers things that are, in fact, quite large, and I know from experience that you can purchase some extremely hefty dildos.