Yeah…didn't think so.
The feelings I have for him are overwhelming but in a wonderful, amazing, fan-fucking-tastic kind of way. Am I getting close to being able to say I'm in love with him? Maybe. The only thing that is holding me back is the fear I have. The fear that I'm falling too fast. The fear of letting myself jump head first and him not being able to catch me. What John did to me was devastating, heart-crushing even, but what Trent could do to me… I don't think I could survive something like that.
I continue to walk past John and Veronica, and I can't help but notice their discussion is actually an argument. This argument seems to be slightly heated for this type of occasion. I'm surprised that John is even allowing this conversation to occur and risk other people overhearing them. He is all about appearances and maintaining a perfect persona.
I feel his eyes on me as I head in towards the bathroom but maintain my composure and avoid making eye contact. I know this is for the best. Maybe someday I'll actually be on speaking terms with him, but we are a long way off from that. Our best bet is to continue living our lives and moving forward. We are no longer a part of each other anymore.
As I'm washing my hands and attempting to fix my hair a little in the mirror, I see Veronica burst in through the bathroom doors and lock herself in one of the stalls. Tears were streaming down her face and she was visibly upset by whatever conversation had occurred between her and John. I feel a little bad for her—just a little—but I really don't think it's my place to ask her what's wrong. I figure I'll let one of her close friends know she's in here and encourage them to go check on her.
I mean, at least I'm nice enough to do that, right?
It's not like I owe her anything. She did bang my fiancé—in my bed. I think that kind of gives me a free pass in terms of not being responsible for giving her a shoulder to cry on.
I walk out of the restroom and notice John leaning against the wall with an annoyed look on his face. He looks stressed and slightly older. His eyes aren't as bright as they used to be. He starts to smile at me but then thinks better of it.
"Hey, Elle. How are you?" He is looking at me with caution, almost like he's afraid I'm going to go off on a rampage.
"Hi, John. I'm great. How are you?" I lean on the wall next to him and give him a friendly smile.
"You look great, Elle. Really, you do. I've been better." His expression is sad and slightly off. His attempt at showing happiness isn't all that successful.
"Thanks. You look stressed. I hope your night gets better." I pat him gently on the shoulder and realize that touching him no longer evokes any type of intimate feelings within me. Contact with him doesn't seem to bring out any type of emotion from me. Being close to him, talking to him doesn't remind me of the past. It just allows me to open my heart up to the future, to the possibilities of finding the right relationship, the right person to spend the rest of my life with.
"Thanks." He hesitates for a minute, looking down at his shoes, and then glances back up at me. "So you're making a go of it with Trent?" He's waiting for my reaction. He's trying to figure out just how serious Trent and I are.
"Yeah, I guess you could say that. Trent and I are definitely making a go of it." I can't help the grin that spreads across my face with the mention of Trent's name from my lips. John frowns slightly and runs his fingers through his tousled brown hair, frustration radiating off of him.
"That's really great, Elle. I guess it's time I started to move on, huh? I guess it's time I realized that I made the single biggest mistake of my life and there's no way you'll ever take me back." He pauses for a moment and takes a shuddering breath. "Ellie, I just want you to be happy. I really hope you're happy." John's eyes are filled with tears as he steps toward me and kisses my forehead softly before walking away.
I let out the breath I didn't realize I was holding and lean back against the wall.
Did I just hallucinate that entire conversation?
I'm unknowingly shaking my head and sighing in what seems to be relief. Relief that John has realized it's time to move on, relief that we were able to have a civil discussion without one of us yelling, and most of all, relief that even with his admission of still wanting me, I am one hundred percent certain that I am over John Ryan. He no longer owns my heart.
Someone else has my heart now. Someone who walked into my life at a very unexpected yet perfect moment. Someone who makes me laugh and smile, and someone who has my pulse racing at just the thought of his lips pressed against mine. Someone who embraces me for everything I am—even the flaws. Trent doesn't put me down or try to change me. He seems to like Elle just the way she is.