I get the patient positioned for delivery. Her hips are close to the edge of the bed, and her two family members are holding her legs. The baby is crowning at this point, and in about two more contractions, her little bundle of joy will be here. Dr. Simon is such an asset to me in this moment. He continues to stand in the corner of the room in shock and not doing a fucking thing to help.
Finally, Amy walks in to assist me. I'm glad she came in, but I know once she gets a gander at what this woman has going on down below, she will barely be able to contain herself. Not only is this chick's vagina spread apart from a giant crowning baby head, but she also has the largest, most gaping asshole I've ever witnessed in my entire life. Yes, this young girl has an unbelievably large asshole, and when she pushes with her contractions, it only seems to double in size.
"Where in the hell is L&D?" Amy asks me as she quickly puts gloves on. She was also present for my bare-handed delivery.
"I don't have a clue. I called them over ten minutes ago," I attempt to tell her over the screaming, grunting, and crying pregnant woman.
Amy comes over to stand beside me, and I know she's already spotted the brown winker because she isn't saying anything. I glance over at her and see her wide-eyed, amused expression. I can practically hear the wheels turning inside of her head. If I had to guess what is going inside Amy's brain right now, I'd lay money on the fact that she's got about ten anal sex jokes lined up and ready. Obviously, a large, gaping asshole is going to lead your mind in one direction—butt sex, butt plugs, anal beads, and in this woman's case, baseball bats.
I'm more than thankful when the OB team arrives and takes over the delivery. Amy and I step back out of the way and let them do their thing.
"So let's talk about that asshole," Amy whispers into my ear.
I just eyeball her and give her a "please shut up" look, because I know I can't encourage her to start telling me ass jokes while we are still standing in bed nine, watching this woman deliver her baby. I'm pretty sure there is some sort of moral code of ethics that frowns up butthole talk while witnessing the miracle of life.
"Is that the baby daddy? Holy balls, he must have a huge cock to do that kind of damage to an asshole."
So much for not encouraging her…
"And how did she get pregnant? Because from the looks of it, he spends most of his time using the back door."
Oh my god, she's not going to stop, and I'm barely able to contain my laughter.
Amy knows I have a serious problem of getting giggly at the most inopportune times, and she makes it a goal to use those times to her advantage. I feel myself start to shake with quiet laughter and have to turn away from the room and act like I'm busying myself with changing my gloves.
I swear she is such a dickhead sometimes.
The young girl delivers a healthy baby boy and everything goes smoothly. Well, as smoothly as pushing a small human out of your snatch can go. Amy and I help our OB team transfer the patient upstairs so they can continue her recovery on their unit. While we are assisting the baby daddy with putting the patient's belongings in their new room, he starts to ask us a few questions about getting around the hospital.
"Thanks again for all of your help, ladies. We used the back entrance when we came into the emergency room. Is it okay if I stay parked back there?" The new dad asks us as he puts his girlfriend's purse on the bedside table.
"Well most people use the front entrance, but if you prefer the back entrance, I'm sure it's not a problem," Amy manages to say with a straight face. I'm going to smack her when we get on the elevator.
"Oh, okay. Well, I guess since most people don't use the back entrance anyway. I'll just make good use of it," he says with a genuine smile.
Clueless. This guy is so clueless right now.
"Congratulations! Enjoy that new baby boy of yours. He's absolutely precious," I quickly express to the young dad as I drag Amy out of the room by her arm before she can make any more innuendos about back doors or back entrances. That last comment he made left an opening as wide as his girlfriend's asshole, and there was no way in hell I was going to allow her to continue.
As we walk back onto the staff elevator, I can tell she is just dying to start talking assholes. I push the button for the lobby level and lean up against the elevator wall in preparation for some ridiculousness to come spewing out of her mouth. The doors shut, leaving Amy and me alone in the elevator.
"Go ahead. Out with it," I say to her with amusement plastered all over my face.
"Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Did you get a look at that asshole? I'm pretty sure I could see organs, and it seriously took me a minute to figure out which hole the baby was going to come out of." Amy is practically bouncing up and down with excitement. Her mouth is going a mile a minute, and I'm pretty sure she is speaking some sort of asshole tongues. Who would have thought one chick's asshole could make her entire day?