The Husband's Secret(132)

            “But . . .” Tess lifted her hands helplessly. She felt a rush of humiliation. The events of the past week all seemed so stupid.

            “It wasn’t just a crush for me,” said Felicity. She lifted her chin. “It was real for me. I love him. I’ve loved him for years. Ever since the first moment we met.”

            “Is that right?” said Tess dully, but it wasn’t a surprise. Not really. Maybe she’d always known it. In fact, maybe she’d even liked the fact that she sensed Felicity was in love with Will, because it made Will seem all the more desirable, and because it was perfectly safe. There was no way that Will could be sexually attracted to Felicity. Had Tess not really seen her cousin at all? Had she been just like everyone else who didn’t see past Felicity’s weight?

            Tess said, “But all those years. Spending so much time with us. It must have been horrible.” It was as though she’d thought that Felicity’s fatness cushioned her feelings, as though she believed that Felicity must surely know and accept that no ordinary man could really love her! And yet Tess would have killed anyone who would have said that out loud.

            “It was just how I felt.” Felicity pleated the fabric of her jeans between her fingers. “I knew he just thought of me as a friend. I knew Will liked me. Loved me, even, like a sister. It was enough to spend time with him.”

            “You should have—” began Tess.

            “What? Told you? How could I tell you? What could you have done except feel sorry for me? What I should have done was gone off and lived my own life, instead of just being your faithful fat sidekick.”

            “I never thought of you like that!” Tess was stung.

            “I’m not saying you thought of me like that. It was more that I saw myself as your sidekick. As if I wasn’t thin enough to have a real life. But then when I lost the weight, I started to notice men looking at me. I know as good feminists we’re not meant to like it, being objectified, but when you’ve never experienced it, it’s like, I don’t know, cocaine. I loved it. I felt so powerful. It was like in those movies when the superhero first discovers his powers. And then I thought, I wonder if I could get Will to notice me now, like those men notice me—and then, well, then . . .”

            She stopped. She’d become caught up in the telling of her story and forgotten that it wasn’t really an appropriate one for Tess to hear. Tess had only had a few days of not being able to talk to Felicity, whereas Felicity had all those years of not being able to share the biggest thing on her mind.

            “And then he noticed you,” finished Tess. “You tried out your superpowers and they worked.”

            Felicity gave a pretty, self-deprecating shrug. It was funny how all her gestures were different now. Tess was sure she’d never seen that particular shrug before—sort of French and flirty.

            “I think Will felt so bad about feeling, you know, a little bit attracted to me that he convinced himself that he was in love with me,” said Felicity. “Once you and Liam were gone, everything changed. I think he lost interest in me the moment you walked out the door.”

            “The moment I walked out the door,” repeated Tess.

            “Yup.”

            “Bullshit.”

            Felicity lifted her head. “It’s true.”

            “No it’s not.”

            It seemed as though Felicity was trying to absolve Will of all wrongdoing, to imply that he’d been briefly led astray, as if what had happened was no different than the betrayal of a drunken kiss at an office party.

            Tess thought of Will’s dead-white face on Monday evening. He wasn’t that shallow or stupid. His feelings for Felicity had been real enough for him to begin the process of dismantling his whole life.