“My mother and her boyfriend told the police that I was home with them from five o’clock that night. I wasn’t. I was home alone. They were out getting drunk somewhere. It was tricky, because I never asked them to lie for me. My mother just did it. Automatically. And she loved it. Lying to the police. When the police left, she winked at me as she held the front door for them. Winked! As if she and I were in cahoots. It made me feel as if I had done it. But what could I do? I couldn’t tell them that Mum had just lied for me, because that would make it look as if she thought I had something to hide.”
“But you’re not saying she actually thought you did it,” said Tess.
“After the police left she held up a finger like this and said, ‘Connor, baby, I don’t want to know,’ as if she were in a movie, and I said, ‘Mum, I didn’t do it,’ and she just said, ‘Pour me a wine, darl.’ After that, whenever she got nasty-drunk, she’d say, ‘You owe me, you ungrateful little bastard.’ It gave me a permanent sense of guilt. Almost as if I had done it.” He shuddered. “Anyway. I grew up. Mum died. I never talked about Janie. I never even let myself think about her. And then my sister died, and I got Ben, and straight after my teaching degree, I got offered the job at St. Angela’s. I didn’t even know that Janie’s mother was working there until my second day of work.”
“That must be strange.”
“We don’t run into each other that often. I did try to talk to her about Janie in the very beginning, but she made it clear she wasn’t interested in being chatty. So. I started telling you all this because you asked why I was single. My very expensive therapist thinks I’ve been subconsciously sabotaging these relationships because I don’t think I deserve to be happy, because of my guilt over what I didn’t actually do to Janie.” He smiled shamefacedly at Tess. “So there you go. I’m extremely damaged. Not your run-of-the-mill accountant turned PE teacher.”
Tess took his hand in hers and laced her fingers through his. She looked at their interlocked hands, struck by the fact that she was holding another man’s hand, even though just moments before she’d been doing things that most people would have considered far more intimate.
“I’m sorry,” she said.
“Why are you sorry?”
“I’m sorry about Janie. And your sister dying.” She paused. “And I’m really sorry I broke up with you like I did.”
Connor made the sign of the cross over her head. “I absolve you of your sins. My child. Or whatever it is they say. It’s been a while since my last confession.”
“Mine too,” said Tess. “I think you were meant to give me penance before you absolved me.”
“Ooh, I can think of penance, baby.”
Tess giggled. She unlaced her fingers. “I should go.”
“I’ve scared you off with all my ‘issues,’” said Connor.
“No you haven’t. I just don’t want my mother getting worried. She’ll wait up for me and she won’t expect me to be that late.” She remembered suddenly why they were meant to be getting together. “Hey, we never talked about your brother. You wanted to ask me some career advice or something?”
Connor smiled. “Ben’s already got a job. I just wanted an excuse to see you.”
“Really?” Tess felt a flare of happiness. Was there anything better than to be wanted? Was that all anyone really needed?
“Yep.”
They looked at each other.
“Connor—” she began.