But it was. Their coupling would merely serve to seal their vows. She couldn’t expect anything more then We’ll have at it and be done with it.
She glanced over at him. His eyes were closed, though she didn’t think he was asleep. His anger had apparently returned, his jaw rigid, his lips locked tight. He obviously was annoyed and mulling it over. She didn’t have experience when it came to seducing men but had watched enough women work their wiles on them. It hadn’t appeared difficult; the men seemed to fall under their spells fast enough.
She didn’t like the We’ll have at it and be done with it or I’m too tired tonight. Her womanly pride had been stung, but then, she set herself up for the sting, so had no one to blame but herself. Of course, that didn’t mean she couldn’t ease the sting and practice her womanly wiles. Who knew when such knowledge would come in handy?
She had never shied away from learning anything, even when it seemed too much of a task or burden. Actually, the more challenging the lesson, the more she embraced it.
Could she seduce Cullen? Was it fair of her? Or was it unfair of her not to try? She’d never marry again; she couldn’t. Her husband would disappear one day, but as far as the clan was concerned, she’d still be wed. This could very well be her only chance to enjoy a man, and at her convenience, without any ties that could possibly make things messy.
Besides, she’d feel more in charge, and he wouldn’t have to worry that she’d want more from him. She wasn’t looking for love, though she had hoped…
Sara shook her head, a sadness swelling in her chest. She had resigned herself to the fact that love just wasn’t in her future. She would make the most of what she had and enjoy it. At least she was free of the confines of the abbey, and soon would be free of her father’s demands. Her life would then be hers, and that filled her with joy.
“What did you mean I didn’t love Alaina enough?”
She knew he hadn’t been sleeping, so he didn’t startle her, though his question did. “It’s not important,” she said.
He turned on his side to glare at her. “It is to me.”
For a moment the fire’s light made his brown eyes appear as if he’d recently shed tears. Had he shed tears for Alaina? It was hard to imagine this big, brute of a Scotsman crying. He appeared a warrior who could withstand the harshest battle, but battles of the heart could be the hardest of all battles to conquer.
“I loved Alaina like…” He shook his head. “I can’t describe it. It was an ache in my heart, a twist in my gut, endless thoughts in my head, and Alaina…” He smiled. “…she was the cause and the solution. With her, everything felt good, right, perfect. She was my love, my heart, my life.”
“I’ve wondered if love is worth finding,” Sara said. “I’ve seen and heard how one suffers when love is lost and I ask myself if the pain is worth it.”
“Well worth it,” Cullen confirmed with a strong nod. “I would not give up the short time I had with Alaina for all the coins in the world.” His nod turned to a shake. “That is why I can’t understand why you remarked that I did not love her enough. That’s just not possible, so I wonder why you thought that.”
Sara looked directly at him. “If you loved her as much as you claim,” she said, “then you would have walked away from her, for your love put her in harm’s way.”
Chapter 6
Cullen set a grueling pace the next day. He wanted this over and done with. He wanted his son safe in his arms. He wanted to be standing on his brother’s ship bidding farewell to Scotland and bitter memories forever.
And Sara?
He didn’t turn and look back to where she rode behind him. He didn’t want to acknowledge her presence. She had made herself known early this morning, talking as soon as her eyes opened and not stopping until they mounted their respective horses and took to the road.
The woman could find anything to talk about, and it annoyed him that he found her topics of discussion interesting. Not that he joined in willingly, but damned if she didn’t have a way of forcing a response from him.
Still, he was very perturbed with her unkind statement last night, especially since he’d thought the same himself. If he had loved Alaina as much as he claimed, why hadn’t he walked away from her?
It was a question whose answer was not quite definable. He had tried on several occasions, but never got far. Besides, somewhere deep inside he believed, truly believed, that perhaps he and Alaina could be different. That they could manage to sneak away and share a life together, even against all odds. He had believed—Lord, how he had wanted to, needed to, ached to believe—that they would succeed. That their love would demand it, have it no other way. They would make it. They would be different.