The Hard Truth About Sunshine(24)

Her eyes bore into mine. For a moment, I think she's going to remain stubbornly silent but then she whispers, "So I can escape my parents for at least a little bit each week. So I can have friendship and someone to talk to. So I can get out of my house and see a little of the outside world while I still can."

"They're really holding you prisoner?" I ask dubiously.

"Not like in restraints or anything," Jillian says with a roll of her eyes. "But emotionally …  I'm as bound to their sides as if I had iron shackles on."

"How?" Connor asks.

Jillian turns, taking two steps back so she can see all of us. Connor and Barb step in closer, and I'm stunned to see a tiny bit of empathy in Barb's eyes. After taking a deep breath, Jillian tells us about her parents.

"Since my diagnosis, their entire world shrank right along with my vision. I became the most important thing in the world to them. Not that I wasn't before, because I so was. I mean, hello …  I'm their daughter. Of course, they live, eat, breathe, and sleep for my benefit. But after we lost my sister, I became more than essential to them. I'm the last remaining vestige of their parental identities. Without me, they're just Sandy and Owen Martel, a middle-aged housewife and an ambulance chasing attorney who have a nice 401K plan and play tennis on the weekends."

"So they're what …  overbearing? Overprotective?" I ask her.

"As in they won't let me do anything," Jillian says with a nod. "I can't work because I can't drive at night, and they won't let me take public transit. I can't leave the house because I have no transportation. I have no friends because I can't go anywhere. I can't even move out because I don't have any money because they won't let me work."

"But you're an adult," Barb points out. "They can't stop you from doing anything. If you want to work, get a job and take the public transportation. They'll get over it."         

     



 

Jillian shakes her head. "I'm not explaining it well, but it's emotional blackmail. I've tried to be forceful and tell them I'm going to go out on my own, but then they cry, wail, and beg me not to. They throw Kelly in my face and tell me that they're not prepared to lose me as well. They make me feel so damn bad for causing them worry that I give in and do what they want."

"Sounds like they're the ones who need therapy," Barb mutters.

Jillian lets out a sarcastic snort as she nods. "My parents are simply not emotionally equipped to deal with my diagnosis. They can't process me going blind. They're unable to fathom how I'm a walking heart attack waiting to happen from the cardiomyopathy. They look at me as a fragile egg, and they're terrified I'm going to shatter. They would have never let me come on this trip. I didn't tell them because they would have talked me out of it, and I'm tired of being talked out of things that I want for myself because it causes them worry."

"You didn't forget your wallet at home, did you?" I ask with a cocked eyebrow and a smirk on my face. "You don't have any money."

"I swear I'll pay you back," Jillian says. There's worry in her voice as she begs me with pleading eyes to understand her duplicity. "I've got money in savings from Christmas and birthday gifts. I swear it."

"Relax, sunshine," I tell her with a wave of my hand. "I'm not worried about it."

And I'm not. I'll gladly pay for Jillian's trip. I got a decent amount of money from the government, and it wouldn't dent my bank account.

"I'll cover you too," Connor says. "I've got Dad's credit card, and he told me to go crazy with it."

Jillian gives Connor a shy smile.

"I've got you covered too," Barb says. "Well, I mean …  I don't have much money because I spend most of it on drugs, but I'll gladly share those with you."

Letting her head fall back, Jillian gives a hearty laugh. I'm drawn in by the way the sun causes her hair to turn more golden. Her eyes are shining as she looks to Barb, Connor, and then to me. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you. It seemed so stupid. My problem is overprotective parents who I can't break from emotionally. You see why I wanted to keep it to myself?"

I totally get it. Had Jillian told me this story during those first few weeks of group therapy?

Hell …  had she told me the day we started this trip, I would have totally mocked her. I would have discounted it completely and tried to make her feel like a moron.

But now, all I can do is nod. Her problems don't match any of ours, but I'm finding that I care about her issues as much as my own.





Chapter 19





The campfire is getting low so I put another log on. A trail of sparks meanders upward, followed by smoke, and then the log catches fire. Dinner was another easy affair after we made camp. More hot dogs along with beer. No smoking pot out in the open as we are in Wyoming now, even though the campground is practically empty. I expect most people want the experience of actually camping in Yellowstone rather than the Bridger Teton National Forest.

Still, the weed stays hidden, but we do pound a few beers. This site didn't have a picnic table so we had to make do. I had two small folding chairs that only had seats with no backs. I gave one to Jillian and the other to Connor. Barb took a seat on top of my cooler, and I pulled my sleeping bag out of my tent and threw it down on the other side of the fire. I'm now contentedly laying on my side, hand resting in my palm and looking at Jillian in firelight.

Even more beautiful than in sunlight.

"You know what I'm craving?" Connor says out of the blue.

"What?" Jillian asks with curiosity.

I'm only semi-interested, but Barb is looking at him in question.

"A big brownie sundae …  with vanilla ice cream, hot fudge, whip cream, and a cherry on top," he says with a wistful sigh. "Maybe tomorrow night, we can actually eat in a real restaurant."

I laugh, because the hot dogs are getting old and I'd love a mattress. Camping is awesome, but we have the means to stay in hotels if we want. The main reason we're camping right now is because there aren't any hotels near Yellowstone. It's either camp or stay an hour away in Jackson for the night.

"Okay, tomorrow night …  hotel and a place for dinner," I tell Connor.

"One that has a brownie sundae," he adds on for good measure. "I haven't had one in years."

"That will make it all the sweeter," Jillian tells him.         

     



 

"What about you?" Connor asks her. "What's something you haven't had in a long time you're craving?"

Jillian looks upward in contemplation, her eyelids still hanging heavy. A dreamy smile slides over her face as she looks back to him. "I know …  I haven't had homemade ice cream in forever. Vanilla. We used to do it at the beach every summer, but since Kelly died …  Well, we just haven't done it."

As always, Connor turns sympathetic eyes on Jillian, his best friend, and nods in understanding. But then he turns to Barb. "What about you? What haven't you had in a long time that you're craving?"

"Sex," Barb says automatically, and all our heads whip her way with shock. She looks around at our collective astonishment and asks, "What? Just because I was sexually abused, you don't think I can have an active and normal sex life?"

"Um …  um … " Connor stammers.

"When's the last time you had sex?" Jillian asks, and my head snaps to look at her. Jillian is talking about sex? My entire body responds by tightening up all over.

"About two days before we left on this trip," Barb says with a shrug of her shoulders.

"And you already miss it?" Connor blurts out.

Barb gives a laugh that sounds whimsical and so off from her normal demeanor that I have a moment of actual happiness for her. Instead of answering, she asks Connor, "You had sex yet?"

The firelight hides any change in color of his face, but I know without a doubt it's flame red. Connor looks down and shakes his head. "Nope. Not with being sick and all … "

"No excuses," Barb says with another laugh. "Trust me …  that has got to go on your bucket list."

Had the same thought myself, Barb.

Connor's head stays ducked, but Jillian's tilts, indicating she's still curious. "Soooo …  back to the missing it part. Just two days before the trip and you're already missing it?"

"You ever had sex?" Barb directs the question to Jillian this time, and this discussion just got really interesting. I'm all ears now.

My eyes whip over to her. Her shoulders remain straight and proud as she says dryly, "Of course I have."

"Then you know," Barb says with a knowing look.

"Know what?" Jillian asks in confusion.

"If it's really good, you miss it. If it's really bad, you don't. So …  do you miss it, Jillian?" Barb taunts her.

My eyes haven't left Jillian's face. She doesn't flinch from the question, only admits, "What I had wasn't all that great, so no, I don't miss it."

"Pity," Barb says smugly.

"Who do you have back home that you miss having sex with?" Jillian continues to pester Barb. I don't think she's so much interested in Barb's sex life as she is in the fact that Barb is freely talking to us.