The Handmaid's Tale(96)

He has become an it.

Ofglen is back beside me. Her face is tight, expressionless.

“I saw what you did,” I say to her. Now I’m beginning to feel again: shock, outrage, nausea. Barbarism. “Why did you do that? You! I thought you …”

“Don’t look at me,” she says. “They’re watching.”

“I don’t care,” I say. My voice is rising, I can’t help it.

“Get control of yourself,” she says. She pretends to brush me off, my arm and shoulder, bringing her face close to my ear. “Don’t be stupid. He wasn’t a rapist at all, he was a political. He was one of ours. I knocked him out. Put him out of his misery. Don’t you know what they’re doing to him?”

One of ours, I think. A Guardian. It seems impossible.

Aunt Lydia blows her whistle again, but they don’t stop at once. The two Guardians move in, pulling them off, from what’s left. Some lie on the grass where they’ve been hit or kicked by accident. Some have fainted. They straggle away, in twos and threes or by themselves. They seem dazed.

“You will find your partners and re-form your line,” Aunt Lydia says into the mike. Few pay attention to her. A woman comes towards us, walking as if she’s feeling her way with her feet, in the dark: Janine. There’s a smear of blood across her cheek, and more of it on the white of her headdress. She’s smiling, a bright diminutive smile. Her eyes have come loose.

“Hi there,” she says. “How are you doing?” She’s holding something, tightly, in her right hand. It’s a clump of blond hair. She gives a small giggle.

“Janine,” I say. But she’s let go, totally now, she’s in free fall, she’s in withdrawal.

“You have a nice day,” she says, and walks on past us, towards the gate.

I look after her. Easy out, is what I think. I don’t even feel sorry for her, although I should. I feel angry. I’m not proud of myself for this, or for any of it. But then, that’s the point.


My hands smell of warm tar. I want to go back to the house and up to the bathroom and scrub and scrub, with the harsh soap and the pumice, to get every trace of this smell off my skin. The smell makes me feel sick.

But also I’m hungry. This is monstrous, but nevertheless it’s true. Death makes me hungry. Maybe it’s because I’ve been emptied; or maybe it’s the body’s way of seeing to it that I remain alive, continue to repeat its bedrock prayer: I am, I am. I am, still.

I want to go to bed, make love, right now.

I think of the word relish.

I could eat a horse.





CHAPTER FORTY-FOUR


Things are back to normal.

How can I call this normal? But compared with this morning, it is normal.

For lunch there was a cheese sandwich, on brown bread, a glass of milk, celery sticks, canned pears. A schoolchild’s lunch. I ate everything up, not quickly, but revelling in the taste, the flavours lush on my tongue. Now I am going shopping, the same as usual. I even look forward to it. There’s a certain consolation to be taken from routine.

I go out the back door, along the path. Nick is washing the car, his hat on sideways. He doesn’t look at me. We avoid looking at each other, these days. Surely we’d give something away by it, even out here in the open, with no one to see.

I wait at the corner for Ofglen. She’s late. At last I see her coming, a red and white shape of cloth, like a kite, walking at the steady pace we’ve all learned to keep. I see her and notice nothing at first. Then, as she comes nearer, I think that there must be something wrong with her. She looks wrong. She is altered in some indefinable way; she’s not injured, she’s not limping. It’s as if she has shrunk.

Then when she’s nearer still I see what it is. She isn’t Ofglen. She’s the same height, but thinner, and her face is beige, not pink. She comes up to me, stops.

“Blessed be the fruit,” she says. Straight-faced, straight-laced.

“May the Lord open,” I reply. I try not to show surprise.

“You must be Offred,” she says. I say yes, and we begin our walk.

Now what, I think. My head is churning, this is not good news, what has become of her, how do I find out without showing too much concern? We aren’t supposed to form friendships, loyalties, among one another. I try to remember how much time Ofglen has to go at her present posting.

“We’ve been sent good weather,” I say.

“Which I receive with joy.” The voice placid, flat, unrevealing.

We pass the first checkpoint without saying anything further. She’s taciturn, but so am I. Is she waiting for me to start something, reveal myself, or is she a believer, engrossed in inner meditation?