‘Honest answer? I don’t really know.’ Tina rubbed her face with both hands. ‘I feel I should be some sort of physical and emotional wreck, but I don’t actually feel anything. I’m not sure that’s a good way to be.’
‘You’re probably in a bit of shock.’
‘What was your real reason for getting involved with me?’ Tina watched John’s reaction. Clearly taken aback and caught off-guard, he did well to compose himself almost immediately.
‘When I first came here, it was with the sole purpose of finding out what you knew.’
‘Thank you for being honest.’ His words, though soft and gentle, may just as well have been a blade slicing through her skin. An image of Sasha slumped in St Paul’s skittered before her. She shook her head to dispel the thought.
‘But …’ John looked at her. ‘But, within a short space of time, another reason was jostling for my attention. You, yourself. I came here purely to get information, but I became involved not so much because I wanted to, but because I couldn’t help it.’
If his previous answer had caused a wound, then this answer provided the bandage. But still the injury was painful.
‘You were blackmailing Sasha. You threatened to tell me about him. You threatened to tell the Porboski gang about him. You caused all this. You brought all this on my family. Because of you, Dimitri grew up without a father. I thought I was a widow. You were responsible.’
‘You’re wrong, Tina. Very wrong.’ John’s words were said with force. She looked at him, waiting for him to continue. ‘Sasha is responsible for part of this.’
‘You forced him into an untenable position. He had no choice but to comply.’
‘I never forced him to launder that money. I never forced him to agree to be a look out for the robbery. I never …’
‘Carry on, you never what?’ Tina jumped to her feet. ‘Tell what you never did. What happened that night?’
‘Just leave it.’
‘No, I won’t leave it. Why can’t you tell me the truth? Why don’t you practise what you preach for once?’ The anger swelled inside her. She was on the verge of losing control. Rascal must have sensed this too as he sprung to his feet with an angry meow, jumped to the floor and trotted out of the room.
‘Tina, please. Sit down. I don’t want to argue.’ John remained seated.
Tina walked over to the window, trying to regain control. The sun-catcher of the boat hung from the sash window. It looked dull, without any light streaming in from behind in. She ran her finger around the edge and traced over the sparkly gems glued onto the blue sea glass. A present from Sasha on their honeymoon in the Lake District.
She felt the anger subside and a deep sadness take over.
‘There are certain things I can’t tell you. It would compromise my position.’
‘That sounds like an excuse to me.’ She turned to look at him once more. ‘I know there’s something you’re not telling me. Is it to do with your nightmares?’ There, she had said it – a question that had burned within her. She studied his face for a reaction. He dropped his eyes before looking back at her.
‘I saw one of my best friends shot. I tried to stem the blood flow, but it was impossible. I had been shot too. My phone stamped on. I couldn’t even call for an ambulance. I had to leave him while I ran to get help. I had to make a split decision. I knew if I released the pressure to his wound, he would just bleed out. I also knew that staying, applying what pressure I could with my one good hand, was only a short-term solution.’
Tina dropped to her knees in front of John, resting her hands on his. ‘You were in a Catch Twenty-Two position. You couldn’t win. It wasn’t your fault.’
John took his hands away and rubbed his eyes. ‘It haunts me. It’s always there, like some demon on my shoulder.’
‘Is there anything else?’
‘What did Sasha want to meet you for?’ The change in direction threw her. John was back to his controlled business-like self. She stood up, returning to her position by the window.
‘To say goodbye … and to see Dimitri.’ She comforted herself with the thought that this was the truth, if only part of it.
‘And?’
‘And nothing.’ Rascal returned to the room and rubbed his arched back against her leg. She bent down and scooped the cat up. ‘Hello, boy.’ She nuzzled her face into his fur. ‘Do you want feeding? Come on, then.’
Avoiding any form of eye contact with John, Tina left the room for the kitchen. She wasn’t surprised when John followed.