Not for the first time did she question herself. Had she really seen Sasha? Had Pavel been there? She wondered if the bump on the head had confused her, made her see things she wanted to see. She didn’t know what to believe.
What she really wanted was to slip back to a few weeks ago when she thought she knew her past, when she believed everything about her life, when her life was uncomplicated. Sad, yes, but it was the truth. Now, she didn’t know what the truth was.
There was also the guilt factor. If her husband was alive, if Sasha really hadn’t died in a car accident, then was she betraying him by sleeping with John?
Her head throbbed as she tried to make sense of the past day. Such a morass of conflicting emotions swirling around in a fog of guilt, sadness and confusion.
Chapter 19
They must have drifted off to sleep on the sofa – at some point Tina became aware of John moving restlessly in his sleep.
John’s legs juddered and she felt his body jerk. Tina slipped her arm across his torso and gave a gentle hug. It didn’t seem to have any effect on his sleep pattern, his arms were now beginning to move around. He flung one arm above his head, his legs moving tirelessly. Heat emitted from his body like a radiator.
‘John. Wake up.’
His breathing became faster and more breathy. A bead of sweat trickled down his neck. Tina sat up, now fully awake. His face was soaked with sweat, his eyes partially open. Another convulsion and this time an indistinguishable groan.
‘John. Wake up!’ said Tina, this time with more instance. She gave his shoulder a shake, but this didn’t seem to make any difference. She tried again. Louder and with more force. ‘John! John! Wake up.’ His eyes shot open and he gave a start. It was a moment or two before he could focus on her. She stroked his hair back with her hand. ‘You were dreaming. You okay?’
He rubbed his eyes, looking around him as if checking where he was.
‘Yeah, thanks. I’m fine.’
He didn’t look it. He rubbed his face with his hands and sat up on the edge of the seat. His shirt was damp with sweat and stuck to his back.
‘Are you sure you’re okay?’
‘Yes.’ His reply was curt. He clearly didn’t want to talk about it. Male pride perhaps? He turned round to her and stretched out a hand, covering her own. This time his voice was soft. ‘Sorry, but I am fine. Honest.’ He stood up. ‘Why don’t you go up to bed? You’ve had a stressful day and need your sleep. I’ll stay down here.’
She nodded. Relieved that the difficult decision had been taken away from her. Part of her wanted to sleep wrapped in his arms, to have the security of his body against hers. Yet, another part of her was feeling guilt at the thought.
She stood up and looked at each other. John was the first to move. He leaned in and kissed her gently on her forehead.
Tina studied him. His eyes gave him away. What was he keeping from her? What secrets did he harbour? What demons lurked behind those dark eyes?
John ran the kitchen tap for longer than necessary, watching the water gush into the sink and wind its way round and into the plughole. His nightmare unsettled him. It wasn’t the first time he had suffered from them and it certainly wasn’t the first time that particular nightmare had occurred. In fact, at the height of his nightmare times, it had been the one that risen from subconscious again and again.
He thought he was rid of them, though. This was the first in two years and he couldn’t deny that the timing of its return coincided with being involved with the Porboski case again and, in particular, Tina Bolotnikov.
The uneasy feeling that had begun plaguing him was growing inside like a simmering volcano. He knew it was going to erupt soon and the truth would spew out, uncontrolled, dangerous, destroying everything it touched, including Tina. He couldn’t let that happen. Knowing what it would do to her didn’t bear thinking about.
He made up his mind. This needed to be a controlled explosion. The truth needed to be handled with care.
He nodded at his reflection in the mirror above the mantelpiece. Mind made up. He’d tell her soon. It wasn’t going to be easy, but when had he ever walked away simply because something was difficult? It wasn’t in his DNA.
The thought of her smiling face and gentle laugh drifted in front of him. If he closed his eyes he could imagine the sweet soap-like smell of her perfume and the feel of her soft hair against his face. She deserved to know the whole truth about him.
The next few days passed calmly and quietly. John stayed with Tina the whole time, but had taken to sleeping on the sofa. There was an unspoken understanding between them. Something had shifted since the incident at the café. She knew John wasn’t telling her everything. She was very much aware that neither of them was being totally honest with each other. John knew it too.