“No ifs, just now,” I told her. “You did everything you could. This isn’t your fault, Mary.”
She nodded. “I know, I know. We’ve been preparing for this day, but I just didn’t think it would come so soon. I thought we had more time.”
“Preparing?” I asked, confused.
She grimaced and tried to wipe away her tears, but more continued to fall. “He didn’t want me to tell you…”
“Tell me what?”
“He’s been sick for a while, Graham. A few months ago, he was told if he didn’t have surgery, he’d only have a few months before his heart gave out. The surgery was very risky, too, and he didn’t want to do it. Not after all the surgeries he had beforehand. I fought long and hard to get him to do it, but he was too afraid he’d go in that day and not come back, instead of spending each and every day he had left surrounded by love.”
He knew?
“Why didn’t he tell me?” I asked, a bit of anger rising in my chest.
She took my hands in hers and lowered her voice. “He didn’t want you to push him away. He thought if you learned about his sickness, you’d become cold, to protect yourself from feeling too much. He knew you’d go deeper into your mind, and that idea broke his heart, Graham. He was so terrified of losing you, because you were his son. You are our son, and if you left during his final days…he would’ve left this world brokenhearted.”
My chest was tight and it took everything inside of me to not cry. I lowered my head a bit and shook it back and forth. “He’s my best friend,” I told her.
“And you are his,” she replied.
We waited and waited for the doctors to come tell us what was happening. When one finally returned, he cleared his throat. “Mrs. Evans?” he asked. We all shot up from our chairs, our nerves shot.
“Yes, I’m right here,” Mary replied as I took her trembling hand in mine.
Be brave.
“Your husband suffered from heart failure. He’s in the ICU on breathing machines, and the truth of the matter is that if those came off, there’s a significant chance he wouldn’t make it. I’m so sorry. I know this is a lot to take in. I can arrange for you to meet with a specialist to help you decide what the best choice is for moving forward.”
“You mean we have to decide to either unplug the machines or keep him in his current state?” Mary asked.
“Yes, but please understand, he’s not in a good state. There’s not much we can do for him except keep him comfortable. I’m so sorry.”
“Oh my God,” Karla cried as she fell into Susie’s arms.
“Can we see him?” Mary asked, her voice trembling.
“Yes, but only family for now,” the doctor said. “And maybe only one person at a time.”
“You go first,” Mary said, turning to me, as if the idea that I wasn’t family was ridiculous.
I shook my head. “No. You should, really. I’m good.”
“I can’t,” she cried. “I can’t be the first to see him. Please, Graham? Please go first so you can tell me how he is. Please.”
“Okay,” I told her, still a little worried about not being there to hold her up. Before I could say anything else, Lucy was standing on the other side of Mary, holding her hand tight and promising me with her gentle eyes that she wouldn’t let go.
“I’ll take you to the room,” the doctor told me.
As we walked down the hallway, I tried my best to keep it together. I tried my best to not show how much my heart was hurting, but the moment I was left alone with Professor Oliver in that room, I lost it.
He looked so broken.
So many machines beeping, so many tubes and IVs.
I took a deep breath, pulled a chair up to his bed, and then cleared my throat. “You’re a selfish asshole,” I stated, stern, angry. “You’re a selfish asshole for doing this to Mary. You’re a selfish asshole for doing this to Karla weeks before her wedding. You’re a selfish asshole for doing this to me. I hate you for thinking if I knew, I’d run. I hate you for being right about it, too, but please, Professor Oliver…” My voice cracked and my eyes watered over. They burned, the way my heart was burning from the pain. “Don’t go. You can’t go, you selfish fucking asshole, okay? You can’t leave Mary, you can’t leave Karla, and you absolutely, one hundred percent, cannot leave me.”
I fell apart, taking his hand in mine, and I prayed to a god I didn’t believe in as my cold heart that had only recently thawed began to shatter.
“Please, Ollie. Please don’t go. Please, I’ll do anything…just…just…”