‘You okay?’ asks Kerry.
‘Yes, fine,’ I say. I pull my hand free and break into a run. ‘Race you to the top!’ I don’t want to dwell on the past. It will sour the afternoon. I want a break from thinking about difficult stuff. This afternoon is for teenage kicks and pie-in-the-sky dreams, not the harsh realities of adulthood and responsibilities.
I make it to the top without stopping. I put my hands on my hips, catching my breath and wait for Kerry to trudge up.
‘I let you win,’ he says with a wink.
The view from the top of the hill is as fabulous as when I was here before with Kerry.
‘Can you still get inside this place?’ I ask, turning around to look at the stone building sitting atop the hill.
‘I don’t know. Let’s have a look. They boarded it up a few years ago. Probably to stop the kids, like us, having all-night parties up here.’
We walk round to the south side. The stone doorway has, indeed, been boarded up, but three of the lower slats are missing. A splintered shard of wood hangs from one side.
‘Looks like the kids still come up here,’ I say. ‘They’re not going to let a piece of wood stop them.’
Kerry crouches down and peers into the blackness. There are plenty of holes in the roof to allow beams of light to shine through.
‘It looks like someone has been camping here,’ says Kerry. His voice echoes around the empty walls.
‘Really?’ I bend down beside Kerry and look inside. I can make out the remnants of a fire in the hearth and a bundle of what looks like bedding laid out in front of it. ‘Why would they leave their stuff?’
‘Perhaps they’re coming back. Or perhaps they don’t want it any more. Didn’t you ever leave your tent and sleeping bag at a festival rather than trying to fold it up and lug it home?’
I look at Kerry and raise my eyebrows. ‘What do you think?’
Kerry laughs and stands up, pulling me to my feet. ‘I take that back. It was a stupid question.’ He grins. ‘It’s not quite your thing, roughing it, is it?’
‘It’s not that,’ I say. I know Kerry’s only teasing, although there is a certain amount of truth in what he says. ‘It’s just…’ I can’t think of a reasonable argument. ‘I’ve never been to a festival,’ I finish lamely.
‘We’ll have to rectify that, won’t we?’
‘We will?’
‘Sure, next month there’s a small local festival. Well, you can’t even really call it a festival. A local farmer puts up a beer tent, throws together a stage and invites the local bands to play. Rock Around the Farm, it’s on every year. You can come and camp with me. If you think you can cope.’
‘Is that a challenge?’
‘If you want it to be.’
‘Then I accept.’ I plant a kiss on his lips. I ignore the voice that tells me it is never going to happen. For this moment I don’t want to think about what I have to do. I smile at Kerry. ‘Now let’s do something that makes us feel alive.’
‘Right here, on the hill?’ says Kerry, kissing my neck. ‘Okay, if you say so.’
I return the kiss, tugging at his leather jacket and pulling it from his shoulders. I pull open the denim jacket underneath and slide my hands underneath his t-shirt.
Kerry returns the gesture, pulling my body to his. He spins me round and lays me down on the grass, then rolls me over so I’m on top of him.
Something makes me look up towards the croft. Out of the corner of my eye, a movement catches my attention.
Kerry lifts his head and kisses me.
‘Stop,’ I say. I move my head away from him, my eyes scan the grass between us and the building. I look from left to right.
‘What is it?’ says Kerry. He cranes his neck to look behind him.
‘I thought I saw something.’
‘There’s nothing there. You’re imagining things. Now, where were we?’
‘No. Wait.’ I scope the terrain again. Something doesn’t feel right. The moment is lost. I give Kerry a quick kiss before climbing off him. ‘Let’s go back to yours.’
Kerry sighs and closes his eyes for a second before opening them again. ‘I thought you wanted to feel alive.’
‘Yeah, I just did,’ I say, getting to my feet. ‘I’ll make it up to you,’ I add with a coy smile as I start walking off.
‘I’ll hold you to that!’ Kerry jumps to his feet and jogs to catch up, but carries on running past.
‘Race you?’ he calls over his shoulder.
I laugh. Kerry is so easy to get along with. I watch him get further and further away. It would be so easy to fall in love with him. To spend my days in his company and my nights in his bed. He’s good fun and he accepts me for who I am, not who he wants me to be. My smile falters and I dismiss the romantic notion. I have no right to think of a future with Kerry. I have nothing to offer him. I haven’t even told him the whole truth about the baby. About Sophie.