‘I did it out of love,’ said Erin. Her voice was soft, yet Kerry was aware of the steel that laced her words. She continued. ‘I did what I thought was the best thing to do at the time.’
‘And now?’
‘It doesn’t matter what I think now. What’s done is done.’
‘You don’t want to undo it?’
‘No. No, I don’t. And I can’t. It will only cause everyone pain. There’s been enough pain in our families. I don’t want there to be any more. I can’t let it happen. I won’t let it.’
He could see tears in her eyes. She looked away, blinking hard to stop them falling. Despite his best intentions not to have physical contact, he found his hands on her shoulders. He turned her to face him.
‘How far would you go to stop it from happening? To stop the truth from coming out,’ he said. She didn’t answer. She gave a sob and the tears raced down her face. ‘Jesus, Erin, tell me you didn’t have anything to do with Roisin going missing?’
She gave a laugh between the sobs and drew deep breaths, while wiping her face with her fingertips.
‘And there’s me thinking I needed to ask you the exact same question,’ she said. ‘God, what a bloody mess this is turning out to be.’
‘You didn’t answer the question.’
‘Nor did you.’ She gave a final wipe of her face. ‘Of course I didn’t.’ She raised her eyebrows, tilting her head, waiting for his response.
‘Of course I didn’t.’
‘Good, that’s cleared that up,’ said Erin.
‘What about Ed?’ He had to ask.
‘As in …?’
‘As in, what’s the craic with you two? I saw you going off with him last night.’
‘Nothing is going on with Ed,’ said Erin. He felt her shoulders sag under this hands. ‘It was his last-ditch attempt at patching things up. That’s all.’
Kerry registered the relief he felt. He nodded. ‘Good.’
‘So, where does that leave us?’
‘I know where I want it to,’ said Kerry. ‘I’m just having a hard job getting there.’
‘I know you like to see things in black and white, that things are usually cut and dried for you,’ said Erin, ‘but life’s not like that. Not for me. Not for you.’
The sound of the bell above the door broke through. ‘Let’s talk about this later,’ said Erin. ‘I’ve got a customer.’
She gave him the briefest of kisses on his mouth. He went to respond, even though part of his mind was screaming for him not to. He couldn’t help himself. But it was only a fleeting brush of her lips. ‘Meet me tonight?’ he said.
‘I’ll call you. I’ve got to go back to the hospital later. I don’t know what’s happening with Dad yet.’
‘Sure.’
‘We’ll sort this out,’ she said. ‘I promise.’
He watched Erin go out to the front of the café. In his heart, he wanted to believe her that they could sort it out, but his head was putting up a fight. He couldn’t be sure what would win.
Chapter 29
I had hated my father for what he had forced me to do. Or rather, what he assumed I would do. But my hate was that of a teenager who already had a tenuous relationship with him, a relationship that was already fractured. The insistence of a termination breaking the last of the links. I had given my baby up and I had hated my father even more.
Over the years I had stoked the hate. Every time I felt the flame was waning and at times diminishing to an ember without my notice, I poured petrol on it. It was the anger that kept me going. Without it I was afraid I would crumble under the weight of grief. Not only had I lost Niall but I had lost my child; this was Diana and my father’s fault. I blamed them entirely. It had helped me cope.
I wander into the hospital on autopilot as I continue to analyse my thoughts and feelings. Now that I’m on the verge of losing my dad, I realise it scares me. If he dies, then I will have to face that our relationship will forever in time be a scared memory. A deep wound in my history, where life has healed over and left a mark. I don’t want to lose the opportunity to reconcile things. Life, love and families are precious. I want to make things up with my father, despite the choices I’ve been forced to make. All this time I was in the driving seat, I was in control. It was up to me how our relationship played out and now I’m on the verge of losing that control, I’m frightened. I realise that all this time, deep down, I actually do want to make things up with Dad, but I’ve always thought I had time on my side. Now, of course, I don’t.