The Girl Who Lied(67)

‘That was before I came to live with Joe,’ says Kerry. ‘Was the pregnancy common knowledge?’

‘No. Not at all,’ I reply. ‘And that was the way our parents made sure it stayed.’

‘I’m not with you,’ says Kerry. ‘So your parents knew? What, did you tell them?’

‘Niall’s mum found out. She was a GP at the time. I went to see a nurse, but Diana must have got wind of my visit or seen me at the surgery and, I guess, started poking around, and it wasn’t long before she found out.’

Kerry lets out a long, low whistle. ‘I bet she was pleased.’

‘You could say that.’

‘So, what happened?’

Skip jumps up onto the sofa between us and I’m thankful for the momentary hiatus in the conversation before I continue. ‘Our parents decided it was best if I had a termination. Diana went ahead and organised it.’

‘Just like that?’

I snap my eyes up at him. There’s a hint of distaste in his tone.

‘Yes, as a matter of fact. Just like that.’

‘What, you went along with it?’

‘Don’t judge me, Kerry,’ I warn. ‘You know nothing about what it was like. What my dad was like. What Diana was like. I was only a kid myself. So was Niall, to all intents and purposes.’

‘Okay, okay.’ Kerry raises his hands in defence. ‘How did she manage to sort out an abortion?’

‘She paid for me to go to a clinic in England.’ I stroke Skip’s ears as he wriggles further into the cushions and rests his head on my feet.

‘And that’s your secret? That’s what Roisin has on you?’ says Kerry.

‘Mostly.’

‘What does that mean?’ Kerry puts his cup onto the table. ‘There’s more?’

‘I never had a termination. Niall and I decided to run away. We had all these plans of setting up home. He’d get a job and go to college in the evening. All that sort of thing. Crazy, naive and wistful teenage dreams…’ I know that now. I’ve known it for a long time. Our plan would never have worked, never in a million years. It was based on false hope and a romantic vision of life. ‘The night we took off, we were in Niall’s car. We had an accident.’ It’s so hard to say this out loud; I’ve never had to before. Never had to explain to someone else what happened. Everyone in the village knew. They had heard it from the Marshalls. No one had needed to ask me.

‘Niall was killed,’ says Kerry. His voice is soft in contrast to the roughness of his fingertips that reach out and cover my hand. ‘I know. Joe told me. He never said you were pregnant, though.’

‘It was the best-kept secret of Rossway. Diana and my father made sure of it.’ The tears blur my vision, filling my eyes and cascading over the brim. Kerry scoops the dog out of the way and shuffles closer and wraps his arm around my shoulder, pulling me towards him.

‘I’m sorry,’ he whispers. ‘So sorry.’

For a moment, I let myself take comfort from his embrace. I allow the reassuring words to soothe my pain. If only this was the end of it. If only this was where my story ended, not where it began.

I sit up, wiping the tears from my face. I sniff, not caring as to how attractive it makes me seem. My next words will put paid to any notion of a relationship between us. Once I tell him what happened next, he won’t want to know me.

‘There’s something else,’ I say.

‘There is?’

‘I never had the termination. Not because I no longer needed one after the accident.’ I close my eyes for a moment. ‘I told everyone I had lost the baby, but really I kept it. I kept the pregnancy a secret. I went to live with Fiona and I told absolutely no one in Ireland I was having the baby.’ I look at Kerry. Confusion pulls at every feature. ‘I had the baby. A little girl. A beautiful red-headed little girl. Still I didn’t tell anyone. Only Fiona and Sean knew. My beautiful little red-headed baby girl was our secret. Not even my mum knew.’ I smile as I think back to those precious first days when I cradled my newborn in my arms. More tears come, collecting in the upturned corners of my mouth, running between my lips, their salty taste seeping into my mouth.

As I speak again, my voice begins to crack, little sobs escape. ‘But I couldn’t keep her.’

‘Jesus Christ, Erin,’ says Kerry, he pushes his hand through his hair. ‘Don’t tell me you did what I think you did?’

‘I gave my three-day-old baby away.’

‘You gave up your own child?’ Kerry stands up, muttering more expletives to himself. He takes his cigarette pouch from his pocket and begins to roll up. ‘How could you do that?’