Chapter 12
Teenage Kicks
Six weeks before leaving
Niall is waiting for me at the school gates this morning. He doesn’t usually wait. I’m pleased to see him. However, as I approach him, I can see by the look on his face something is wrong.
‘Hi. What’s up?’ I ask. I put my arms around him for a hug, as if this action itself will take away the trouble. His reaction quashes any such thought as his hands remain stuffed in his pockets.
‘Get in the car. We need to talk.’
I take a moment to stand back and read the expression on his face. It’s not anger. It’s fear. He’s upset. I do as he says, even though I know this is going to make me late for school.
‘What’s up?’ I ask again.
‘Mam knows.’ The two words are like a physical blow and I reel back from the verbal punch. His voice cracks. ‘She knows you’re pregnant.’ He really doesn’t need to qualify his mother’s knowledge. I’m already there.
‘How?’
‘How do you think? She’s a GP. She must have seen your notes.’
‘But, I went to see the nurse. Your mum wouldn’t have been able to see them, not without going to look for them. It’s all done on computer.’
‘I don’t know how and it’s irrelevant now. She knows.’
I open the door and lean my head out as the bile in my stomach makes for a quick exit. Niall barely seems to notice. When I’m done retching, I take the bottle of water from my school bag and rinse my mouth, spitting into the road. In the depths of my bag I have a packet of ginger biscuits. Fiona gave them to me. She said they were supposed to be good for morning sickness.
The biscuits are hard and the sound of the crunch fills the space in the car. It sounds like a whole army is marching towards us. An army of fear. Niall’s mum knows. Soon my mum and dad will know. Soon everyone will know. It’s time for us to face up to what’s happening. Suddenly the baby growing inside my stomach seems real. It’s no longer a word. I’m no longer simply pregnant. I actually have a baby inside me.
‘Do you have to eat so loudly? You sound like a horse.’
I put the remaining part of the biscuit back into my bag.
‘What did your mum say?’
‘She went ballistic. Had a screaming fit at me. Dad joined in too.’
‘And Roisin?’
‘She was out and doesn’t know. Thank, God.’
‘Ditto.’
‘Mam wants to speak to your folks.’
Suddenly the sickness is back. ‘She can’t. I mean, I need to tell them first. What does she need to speak to them for?’
Niall shrugs. He looks away from me and I get the feeling he’s being evasive. There’s something he’s not telling me.
‘Did you tell her about our plan?’ I ask. My voice is quiet. The confidence in our ideas for the future suddenly feeling fragile.
Niall takes a long time before he answers. ‘She wants you to have an abortion.’
The breath I draw is sharp and grazes the back of throat. ‘It’s none of her business,’ I almost shout.
‘That’s what I said, but she said it was her business as she will potentially be a grandmother and it’s not on her agenda yet. She said we would regret it and there’s plenty of time for babies in the future.’
‘You sound like you agree with her.’
‘It’s not that, well, maybe I do a bit…’
I sit bolt upright in my seat.
‘You’ve been brainwashed.’ I feel crushed. ‘I thought we had it all planned. We were going to go to college in the evenings. You said it would be okay.’
I want to shake him. Make him see sense. He puts his head in his hands.
‘Feck. What a mess.’ We sit in silence for a long moment. Finally, Niall lets out a sigh. He rubs his face with his hands and then, turning in his seat, he puts his arm around me and lays one hand on my stomach. ‘We’ll be okay. I’m sorry. It’s just Mam making me twitchy. Of course I want all this. I want us to be a family. You’ll be a fantastic mam. It’s just, in an ideal world, I want all this in ten years’ time.’
‘So do I, but it’s not an ideal world. We have to deal with what’s real. I’m as scared as you. Every time I think about it, I dart from being terrified to brave, from sad to happy.’
‘We’ll be okay as long as we have each other. I’ll look after you.’
‘I’ll have to tell my mum first,’ I say, feeling better now Niall seems to be back on track and has reassured me he is serious about the baby. ‘Just ask your mum to wait before she says anything.’
Mum takes the news as I imagined she would. Shock. Disbelief. Silent. Then with love. She cries, only for a moment, as she cuddles me. It makes me cry. I’m doing that a lot now. Fiona says it’s my hormones. Mum holds me for a long time as she lets it all sink in.