‘I said that you and Joe had slept together.’
‘What?’ I can’t quite believe what I’ve just heard. ‘You said what?’
‘I was sixteen, remember,’ snaps Roisin. ‘It’s the sort of thing you say when you’re that age. I was desperate for Niall to ditch you. I thought if he believed that you and Joe had slept together, then he wouldn’t want anything more to do with you.’
‘This is where you all tell me that’s bollocks,’ says Kerry. He’s talking to all of us, but his eyes are fixed on his cousin.
‘Ah, Jesus, Kerry. Of course, it’s bollocks,’ says Joe straight away. ‘Sure, I can’t even believe you’re asking that.’
‘Well, it is the night for surprises,’ says Kerry. ‘I just wanted to get that bit clear.’
‘What did Niall say?’ I ask. ‘Did he believe you?’
‘Sort of.’
‘Yes or no?’ I need to know whether Niall doubted me. Was his last thought of me one where he believed I had cheated on him? An overwhelming feeling of sadness seeps through me and settles in my bones. ‘Did he believe you?’
‘He said he was going to have it out with Joe. See what Joe had to say about it,’ says Roisin.
‘So, he did believe you.’ The sadness consumes me. Niall doubted me. It hurts. Badly.
‘He texted me,’ says Joe. ‘Told me to meet him up here, at the croft. Said it was important.’
‘So that’s why we were heading up this way,’ I say. It starts to make sense. I sink to the ground. ‘He said we had to go this way. The coast road would be quieter. I had no idea of the real reason. His driving was all over the place. We argued. He was driving too fast. I pleaded with him to stop.’
Kerry kneels down beside me. One hand rests on my back, the other tucks a strand of hair behind my ear.
‘I saw the crash,’ says Joe eventually. His voice is quiet and I’m not sure if I’ve heard him right. A howl of wind rushes up from under the semi-boarded doorway and swirls around the room. I look up at Joe. He repeats his words. ‘I saw the crash.’
‘Was it you?’ I ask. ‘Was it you who pulled us from the car?’
Joe nods. ‘You. Yes.’
Joes knows my secret.
‘I didn’t have any choice,’ I say. ‘I genuinely thought he was going to kill us both. Oh, dear God, the irony of that. How many times have I wished it was so?’
‘Erin, what are you talking about?’ It’s Kerry. He doesn’t know. Joe must never have told him. ‘Don’t be saying things like that. He was drunk and high; he had no right to be driving.’
‘I know. He had absolutely no right. And he wasn’t,’ I say, looking up, first at Kerry, then Joe and finally Roisin. ‘I was driving.’ There’s a stunned silence as both Kerry and Roisin take in the new information. Joe, of course, has always known this.
‘You were driving?’ Roisin strides over to me and pulls me up by the lapels of my jacket. ‘You were driving? You crashed the car? You killed my brother?’ She slaps me hard across the face. It stings and I can feel the heat from it immediately.
Once again, Joe is restraining Roisin.
‘I was only driving because he was too stoned and drunk to be driving himself,’ I say. ‘I didn’t give him the joint. I didn’t give him the beer. If you’re apportioning blame, then you, Roisin, have to take some of that yourself.’
‘We all have to take some of the blame,’ says Joe.
‘You did nothing wrong,’ says Kerry. ‘Or is there more?’
‘There’s more,’ says Joe.
‘Of course there’s more,’ says Roisin. ‘What I want to know is why the Guards’ report never mentioned Erin driving.’
Kerry curses, pulls his tobacco pouch from his pocket and rolls two cigarettes. He throws one in Joe’s direction. They take a moment while they light their cigs. If I smoked, I’d be having one too – I know what’s coming next.
Joe blows out a lungful of smoke.
‘I saw the crash. I was with Bex. We were up here on the hill. We could see the road clearly. There wasn’t so much hedgerow or trees then. We raced down straight away. Niall had been thrown out.’ He looked at Roisin. ‘I’m sorry, Roisin, but he had already gone. He must have died instantly.’
Roisin lets out a cry. It’s one of pure pain. I turn away as I throw up. The events of that night way too strong in my mind, but this version I have never heard before.
‘What about Erin?’ says Kerry, after I wipe my face.
Joe addresses me. ‘You were in the driver’s seat. Slumped over the wheel,’ says Joe. ‘You had your seat belt on.’