Dad’s eyes search mine. “And did you reach a conclusion?”
“I’m not sure. I think sorry can only be a start. Like a placeholder.” I straighten my fork against the knife, center them on the cloth napkin. Order, in miniature. I pull up the napkin, letting the silverware fall into a chaotic pattern. “Then we see what comes next, if sorry can stick.”
“A start is good, Zephyr. And my apology will stick. I’m not going anywhere. Not unless you tell me to go.” His gaze stamps with that promise.
The waiter breaks the tension, asks for our order.
Dad asks, “Our usual?”
I nod and Dad tells him we’d like cashew chicken with white rice, wontons, shrimp rolls, and tea. Our favorite dishes.
When the waiter leaves, I say, “You remembered.”
“It was never my intention to forget.”
“Then what was your intention exactly?”
“I don’t know, Zephyr. I’m even more confused than I’ve ever been. But not about us. Our family. I want to earn a way back into your life.”
“Is that why you’re not lecturing me?”
“Lecture you? I’m the one who screwed up.”
“You did, but so did I. Mom told you about Boston College, right?”
“She did.”
“And yet no lecture?”
“I think you deserve a congratulations first. I wish I’d been there when you heard.”
I wish I’d heard when I was supposed to. And for the first time I wonder if things with Alec would have been different if Dad hadn’t left. If I hadn’t felt the need to bond with Alec over our absent fathers—have Alec in my life to fill the void Dad left.
“Did Mom also tell you how I decided to go to University of Michigan. And why.”
He nods. “Yes, and I’m here to help any way I can, but I think I have to earn back your trust before my opinion can really matter.”
“But I want to know what you think.” I want to hear it, need to hear him tell me I fucked up. Maybe it will make us both seem normal or human or something.
“I think you made a mistake and you’re working to fix it.”
No different than him.
Dad’s simple honesty makes me reach into my bag then, pull out the three fall issues of Classic Car magazine and slide them across the table. “I’ve been keeping these for you.”
Dad’s face softens as he rests his palm on top of the small stack. “Thank you, Zephyr.”
And I hear what he’s really saying. How he’s thankful I always knew there would be a time when I could give them to him.
“Dad, I need you to do me a favor.” Or Mom a favor. As a thank you for her always being there for me. For her loving me despite my bad choices.
Dad searches my eyes. “Anything. Always.”
“I’d like you to come to Anna Slicer’s wedding reception. For Mom. I think it’s something she’d really want.”
“Will you be there?”
I nod. “I’ll be there.”
“Then I’d be honored.”
And something forges between us then, me accepting him into Mom’s life in this small way, one step removed from mine. We both honor the safety in this first step.
• • •
When I return home, I bring in the dress I bought at Second Skin vintage shop on my way back through Sudbury. I hang it over my door, far from my closet with all its false sense of order. I smooth the clear plastic over the dress, love how the claret color deepens in different light.
“Pretty.”
I jump with fright, my hand leaping to my heart. Alec sits in the corner of my room, next to my record player.
“Is it for something special?”
“What are you doing here?” I step back, into the door’s threshold.
“What? You’re afraid of me now? Jesus, Zephyr, what went wrong?”
“Well, yeah. You’re sitting in the corner of my room like a creeper. How did you get in?”
“The key. I needed to see you.” He stands, pulls a carnation from behind his back. It’s the one from my wall, the one he’d tucked in the grill of my locker, though it is dry and brown now, its crown fragile. He sets the flower on the desk like a peace offering. “I feel like we got lost somehow. Can’t we start again, Zephyr? Be like we used to. We were so good together. You know that.”
“You need to leave. My mom will be home soon. She can’t find you here.”
“Don’t lie, Zephyr. I saw her note on the island.”
The back of my neck goes cold. Did he watch Mom leave? The way he did when he brought me eggplant parm and the letter that changed everything?
“You used to like when I came over. Remember all the times you invited me into your room? The time you kidnapped me from school? I love you, Zephyr. I want that back. And deep down, I know you do too. You can go to Boston College. I don’t care. I’ve always said that. I want you to do what you want to do. I just want to be with you. And I want you with me. Like before.” He selects a record from the stack, empties it from the sleeve.