“I think I need some space.”
He crowds me. “What does that even mean?”
“I need to think.”
“Think? About what? This preposterous idea that I hid your acceptance letter? You were the one who signed those papers for Boston College. Not me. I wasn’t even with you when you did that.”
I pull the defaced press clipping from my desk drawer, hand it to him. “What about this?”
There isn’t even a shift in his eyes as he reads the slur and it makes me go cold. He crumples the paper, tosses it into the corner. “Zephyr, you think I wrote that? I would never.”
Tears fill my eyes. The word didn’t surprise him. He didn’t ask about my signature or when I found it. He just cast it aside like it wasn’t important now. “I so didn’t want it to be you, Alec. Even after I knew it was you, I didn’t want it to be you.”
“Zephyr, you know me. You know how much I love you. Why would I do something like that?”
But I don’t hear his words, only his tone. The same one he used to convince me the girl at Waxman’s was for my benefit. That he needed to teach me a lesson. “I don’t doubt you love me, Alec.” I doubt his version of love. “But I think we need to stop seeing each other.”
He reaches for my hand, squeezes. “Don’t do this, Zephyr. It’ll be the biggest mistake you ever make.”
But he’s wrong. I’ve already made the biggest mistake. “I feel like we need to take a big step back. Get perspective.”
He discards my hand, too forcefully. “So you’re dumping me on Christmas. Really classy.”
“I didn’t want this, Alec.”
He turns on me quick. “Yes. Yes you did. Because you’re the one who’s doing this. Not me. All I have ever tried to do was protect you. I listened to you about your father, helped you when your dog got sick. And all those things you begged me for?” His eyes go sly now. “The way I made you feel. You wanted that. But now you’re acting like a complete nutcase. No wonder your own father didn’t want to stick around.”
A serrated knife cuts through my heart, shreds me. “You should go.”
He grabs at my wrist, too hard. I try to pull my arm free from his grip, but he tightens his hold. “Don’t think for a minute that this isn’t all your fault.” When he finally lets my wrist drop, he grabs the gift box and punches the wall just shy of the light switch. The plaster buckles under his force. I hear a different Alec reach the kitchen, exchange polite good-byes with my mother, like nothing happened between us, like he didn’t just level me.
Chapter 33
I drive the highway, grateful for the distance from Sudbury. I find the Chinese restaurant we agreed on and my father is already seated in a red vinyl booth. He stands when he sees me.
“Zephyr, it’s so good to see you. I was afraid you wouldn’t come.”
“I thought about it.” A lie to sting him. Because it only seems fair.
I take a seat opposite my dad and my brain clogs with all the questions I wanted to ask. About another woman. Another family. If he doesn’t love us anymore. But I hear Alec’s words above everything else: No wonder your own father didn’t want to stick around. And the question that rises faster and stronger than all the rest: “Why did you do it?”
My father folds the cloth napkin from rectangle to square. “You don’t want to order tea first? Get warm?”
“No.” I hadn’t meant to bring this much confusion to dinner, but Alec’s words have me spinning. And I think my father is the only one who can slow me down. “I need to hear you say it. I need to try to understand.”
He clears his throat, looks impossibly nervous. “I was feeling lost, Zephyr. Like I’d forgotten who I was.”
My insides jolt. I lean in.
“I’d made all these promises and had all these expectations and they felt cumbersome. I fell into that cliché trap of wondering, what if? What if I could see the green on the other side? But then I did and it showed me was that all I’ve ever wanted to be was your dad. And a husband to your mom.”
“You couldn’t have figured that out without leaving us?”
“I wish I’d been smart enough to handle it differently.” His hand reaches across the table for mine. I slink back.
“You really messed me up. Mom too.”
“I know, and I’m sorry. You can’t know how much.”
“I’ve been thinking about this for so long. Wondering if sorry would be enough. If it could ever be enough.” I accepted Alec’s first apology. I gave him that. I fear giving away too much again, even to my father.