But it is Alec’s voice I hear exchanging polite greetings with Mom as she welcomes him in. I meet him in the kitchen where Mom throws me an is this okay look. I nod. Finn barks.
Mom resumes the noisy work of loading the dishwasher so I invite Alec into the living room where A Christmas Story is too loud on the television and shredded wrapping paper litters the rug. I can’t help remembering the first time I let Alec into my bedroom, my fear of him seeing anything out of place. Now, I don’t even lower the volume on the TV.
“What are you doing here?”
Alec leans in. “It’s Christmas.” He kisses me on the cheek.
I recoil but he hands me a small box. “I wanted to give your gift in person and see if you were feeling better.”
“Better than what?”
He grabs my chin, holds it softly. His eyes search mine and I cannot look away. “You were so upset yesterday. I tried calling after, but . . . did you turn your phone off?” Then he waves off his question. “Doesn’t matter. I just hope you got the answers you were looking for.”
I didn’t. I don’t know any more than I did yesterday. Not for sure.
He nods at the gift. “Aren’t you gonna open it?” That’s when I feel the box in my hand, so innocent, too much of what I wanted with Alec next year. Surprise. Kindness. Trust.
“It’s just something small.” He eyes the kitchen to make sure Mom can’t hear. “To celebrate you coming with me next year.”
I take a small step back.
“Us together next year. It’s everything, Zephyr.”
The word everything echoes.
And it is too much.
“Open it.”
I unhinge the box to find a silver necklace. An artistic, sweeping heart dangles from the chain’s center.
“Do you like it?”
I close the lid with a snap. “I can’t accept it.”
“And this.” He ignores me, pulls a small holiday bag from behind his back. He shows me the dog collar inside, shiny, bright red.
“The material is reflective. So Finn will always be safe if he gets out again.”
His thoughtfulness at the vet, his care of Finn. Him remembering how my first dog died.
But still. “Alec, we need to talk. Can you wait for me in my room?”
He smiles. “I’ll always wait for you, Zephyr actually.”
The pull of that nickname softens me. I go to Mom in the kitchen. “I have to tell Alec about how you’re gonna help me get back into Boston College. He’s in my room, waiting.” I read Mom, how hard she’s fighting not to judge Alec. Or me. “I just need a little privacy. Is that okay?”
She worries the dishcloth, tosses it onto the counter. “I won’t listen, Zephyr, but I won’t be far. Door open.”
“Of course.”
She nods, her face tight with concern.
Alec comes to me when I enter my room, takes my hand. “You freaked me out yesterday.”
I pull back from him and sit at my desk chair. I need distance from his body and his mint smell that wakes such a deep wanting. I place the jewelry box on my desk.
He sits on the bed. “I think I figured it out. Why you were trying to blame me yesterday.”
“Why?” I am desperate to hear any version of the truth other than mine.
“We talked about it before. How the first Christmas or birthday is the hardest. Your dad’s always been here and you’re angry that he’s gone now. You just took it out on me. It’s totally normal, Zephyr.”
I’m not sure what I expected. A full confession? A string of irrefutable facts that would prove he didn’t do what I suspect? But as I sit across from him now I realize neither of these things was a possibility.
“Next year your entire lens will be so different and you’ll be the missing piece that returns home. Things like this get easier with time.”
I steel my nerves, even though my stomach quakes. “We need to talk about next year.”
“My favorite subject.”
“I want to go to Boston College.”
He lets out an exasperated sigh. “I thought we covered this. Besides, isn’t it too late?”
“My mother doesn’t think so.”
“Your mother?” Alec stands. “So you told her.”
I nod.
“Is that what this is all about?” He points at my sweatshirt like an accusation. “She’s trying to keep you close.”
“This isn’t about her. It’s what I want. What I’ve always wanted.”
“What are you even talking about? You chose us, and Michigan. I never pressured you.” He hears the way his voice escalates, and softens. “What about all our plans? What about me, Zephyr?”