“I could never hate you, Lizzie. But I need you to trust that I know what I’m doing.”
“Okay, if that’s what you need.” But even now I hear her doubt. “Listen, I can’t stay.” She gives Finn a quick pat. “Gotta do some stuff at the house before Saint Nick gets here. I just came by to make sure you were okay.”
“I am.”
“Good.”
She stands and suddenly I don’t want her to go. I don’t want to be alone with my doubts. “Lizzie? Thanks for coming over. For checking on me. Last night too. It means a lot.”
She nods, considers. “Course, Zee. Always.”
Always. Since my father left, I’ve been consumed with redefining the word, but as she throws a wave from the door, I know Lizzie’s definition of “always” remains unchanged.
I curl tighter against Finn and check my texts.
Alec: Call me
Alec: What r u doing?
Alec: Where r u?
And then one from Gregg: Are you around to talk? I read it a few times. My curiosity swells for how that talk would have gone.
Alec: Going for a drive. Text when u get this
Alec: Zephyr, I’m officially worried
Alec: Call me. Now. Please. Let me know ur okay
And one just after midnight: Can’t even sleep I’m so worried about u
Then: Where are u???!!!
Six more from this morning, almost exactly the same.
And then another from Gregg: Talk. You know, that thing where friends exchange words. Sentences even.
I punch up Alec’s number and he answers on the first ring. “Zephyr, are you okay?”
“Totally. I left my phone with Lizzie and just got it back.”
“I was so worried.”
I give him the number to the house phone in case he can’t reach me again and tell him there’s nothing to worry about. I only wish my friends didn’t make me doubt my own words.
I go to my bedroom and dive onto my bed, my hip nicking the University of Michigan catalog from the edge of my desk. It flutters to the floor but I don’t pick it up. Instead, I let my eyes roam to the acceptance letter from Boston College. It is tacked to my wall, among the photos and cards. Even from this distance, I see the maroon crest. It draws me up, until I am close enough to read the letter, and I remember how happy I was when Alec delivered it to my hands. It seems like a lifetime ago. I look to the date printed in the lines above my name.
I squint my eyes closed, shake off the impossibility. Then look again.
November 11.
Impossible.
I open my desk drawer, frantically dig in my file folder that holds all things Boston College. My fingers clasp the edge of the envelope. The one my acceptance letter arrived in.
In the corner, in eraser-red ink is the postmark date.
November 13.
More than a month before Alec brought me the letter.
An entire month.
I look at the date on the letter again. Two days earlier. It took two days for the letter to be sealed and receive a postmark.
So why did it take a month to reach me?
Did Alec have it before he gave it to me?
And then, the most awful suspicion: Had he been holding on to it? So he’d have time to convince me to hitch my future to his?
And as oxygen drains from my room and the scene from last night reemerges, I think it’s possible.
Probable, even.
And that’s when I hear Lizzie’s words: Manipulation 101. And Gregg’s: The kid’s got issues. I remember the times Alec wanted to be with only me. The distance he wanted me to have from Gregg and Coach, even Alumni Weekend.
But didn’t I want all those things too?
I do. I did.
I wanted Alec so much, the rest didn’t matter.
And it is this realization that collapses me against the wall, sinks me into a blurred heap because I can’t separate what is real and what is Alec and what is me.
Chapter 31
I knock on Mom’s bedroom door even though it’s open. She looks up from where she’s reading in bed, beckons me in.
“I thought you were going to the Slicers.” I can’t keep my voice from cracking.
Mom removes her reading glasses and her eyes lock on mine. “Changed my mind.” She pats the bed, makes room for me. “Zephyr, what’s the matter?”
I fall into her arms and the deluge opens. I cry for Boston College. For lines being blurred. For doubting Alec. For believing in Alec. For forgetting me. For believing in the new me Alec made. I hate all of me and most of me and I don’t know how to escape the skin I’m in.
Mom strokes my back. “Whatever it is will be okay, Zephyr.”
She has no idea.
“Tell me what’s going on.”
Where do I even start? The day at the park? Sex in the woods? Alec bringing me dinner and the news of my future? These things are too beautiful and kind and exactly what I wanted, so how can I be questioning them now?