His words repeat in my head: You’ll understand once I can explain. I wanted you to know how it feels. Had he seen me hug Gregg? Or worse, did he hear Gregg whisper about not being over me? I suck in a quick breath.
“What?” Lizzie says.
I stare through the wall, at nothing.
“What is it, Zee?”’
A tear streams down my cheek, chased by another.
“Has he done this before?”
I shake my head. “No.” And then, “Not exactly.”
“Define not exactly.”
My voice breaks as I tell her about that day on his stoop, how he’d made me feel so, so good, but then stopped, telling me he needed to be careful with me. That he was too insecure and I had the power to hurt him. And when I spent time with Gregg at Thanksgiving, how he’s shut me out for days.
“Zephyr, that’s not normal. It’s Manipulation 101. You are such a smart person. How could you not see that?”
“It’s not like that, Lizzie.” My words hiccup. “I really love him.”
“That’s not love, Zee. Not when someone’s forcing you to do it.”
“He never forced me.”
Lizzie’s trying hard to control her frustration. “Love is a choice, Zephyr.”
Breath rattles in my chest, struggling to pass in and out. “It’s not that simple. There’s . . .” But I can’t say it. I can only grieve.
Lizzie’s eyes beg. “What are you not telling me? Please tell me you’re not pregnant.”
“No!” I am grateful for that, at least.
“Thank god. Then what?”
I ball Lizzie’s comforter between my hands and make a fist of fabric. I twist at it as I tell her about yesterday, about my perfect night with Alec, how it ended with my commitment to him over Boston College. I tell her about Alec’s jealousy of Gregg and even though I know they are my words, they sound like they come from some other girl.
She looks at me like I am some other girl. “Zephyr, what were you thinking?”
I love him. He loves me. “Everything’s different when I’m with him.”
“I don’t even understand. When did you become this girl?”
She couldn’t understand. This is between me and Alec. He has an explanation for me. “I need to talk to him.”
“What? Why?”
Because I’d been wrong about Gregg and I could be wrong now. The note, the word in red—it had all been a misunderstanding. One I couldn’t see clearly before talking to Gregg.
And I know Alec wouldn’t hurt me. He’s the one to make everything better. That’s what he does. But Lizzie can’t know that. She can’t know how being in his arms feels like the sky and ocean melting into one another, endless and lasting. “Because he said he can explain.”
“What do you care what he has to say? This dude freaks about you spending time with your friends. Basically banned you from Slice. Made you give up your dream of Boston College for him—”
“Don’t.” I shoot her a look.
She throws up her arms. “Okay, maybe I don’t know what I’m talking about. If you feel you need to hear his reasons for being an asshole, you do what you have to do. Just know I’ll be here for you, Zee. However this turns out.”
And the familiarity of this promise sends an itch squirreling along my skin. “I can’t get the scene out of my head.”
“It’s a hard scene to forget.”
“But Alec and that girl? It doesn’t make sense. I should hear him explain why he would do that, right?”
“I think only you can answer that.”
“I need to talk to him.” I reach for my phone.
Lizzie grabs my arm. “Are you sure?”
“I-I have to know.”
“But you know, Zephyr. I mean, you saw what I saw.”
My mind strips away the physical pleasure I feel when I’m with Alec and shows me only his need. How he needed me to choose him over my friends, didn’t want me around Gregg. But didn’t I want that too? Time where it was just the two of us? I did. I do. I want it to be only us. Next year. Now.
“It wasn’t what it looked like. It couldn’t have been.”
Lizzie turns away as I pull up his number.
Alec answers on the first ring. “Zephyr, I need to see you. I need to explain. If you hate me after hearing what I have to say then I’ll go away forever.”
Even after tonight, the thought of losing him rips darkness into my heart.
“Zephyr actually”—his pleading blurs the edges of my thoughts—“we can’t do this over the phone. Please.”
And I know then what is right for me.
Chapter 29