“I just got off the phone with Rachel.”
The room stills around us. The windows are shut tight against the winter so there is no breeze, no rustle of leaves, no birdsong. I am trapped in the airless space of my selfishness. I’ve barely even thought about Gregg. “Is Gregg all right?”
“Rachel called to say that he’s home, resting. I was hoping you and I could go visit him later today.” Mom’s worry flinches her shoulders.
“Did she tell you he’s going to be fine?”
“She did. It just hit too close to home. I couldn’t help thinking what if it had been you.”
“It wasn’t. I’m fine. Gregg’s fine. Rachel will be fine once Gregg’s back at school.” I’m not certain if my words are aimed at reassuring her or appeasing my guilt.
“When do you want to go?” I fill a bowl with Cheerios. “If we head over around lunch we could grab him a Slice Special from Fernalds. It’s named after him. Because it’s his favorite.”
She closes the newspaper. “I’d like that. And we can pick up some penny candy for the little ones.”
“Sure. Give them all a sugar high. Rachel will love you for that.”
Mom winks. “What kind of aunt would I be if I didn’t spoil the girls?”
I open the fridge, grab some milk. “A lame one.”
“Exactly. I can’t have that.”
I bring the milk to the table but don’t pour it. “So, does Dad know about Gregg?”
Mom tries to hide her surprise, but I can tell I’ve caught her off guard. “He does. I told him last night. Why?”
I’m relieved. This feels like something Dad should know about, even if I couldn’t make the call. “I guess I’m just wondering how much you and he talk or whatever.”
“We talk a lot, Zephyr. Really talk. In a way we didn’t for a long, long time.”
“That’s good. I mean, if that’s what you want.”
She reaches for my hand, blankets it with hers. “I think I’m still trying to figure out what I want. Parents don’t have all the answers, you know. Just because we’re older doesn’t mean we’re always wiser.”
“But you forgive him?”
She leans back in her chair, contemplates. “I think forgiveness is a process. I’m not there yet. I don’t think I’ll ever be okay with the way he left, that ridiculous letter and his disappearing.”
“But you let him back in.”
“I did. Because I love him, Zephyr. I always have. And we both made mistakes. Some big. Some smaller. I’m just trying to figure all this out, same as you.” She cascades her finger over the ridges of mine. “One thing you learn by the time you’re my age is that life is made in the mistakes. It’s impossible to get it right all of the time. And in a weird way, I admire your father for doing what needed to be done.”
“How can you admire him?”
“I know it sounds crazy. Believe me. But the split has allowed us to come together even stronger. Your dad and I let a lot of things get between us, push us apart. When he was here, I didn’t want to see it. When he was gone, it was all I could see.”
Mom’s face softens as she talks, veils with peace. “I didn’t know.”
“We haven’t enjoyed each other’s company like this in a long time.”
“I think it’s great you’re happy, Mom.”
“And I want that for you.”
“I think maybe I have more questions than you did. I want to know everything. What he felt like before he left and for how long. How many years he’d been planning this.”
Mom laughs. “I’m still not done asking him questions.”
“Really?”
“Your father spent our first few meet-ups like a witness on the stand.”
I’m surprised by my laugh and the connection I feel with Mom after knowing she badgered him the way my mind’s been badgering me. “I’ve been thinking of calling him.” Since my fight with Alec showed me that forgiveness can be a gift.
“I think I’ve made my argument clear on the subject of regret.” She taps my hand, stands. “And it’s okay to give him hell, Zephyr, if that’s what you need. Tear into him, yell at him. Whatever works. Just don’t keep it bottled up. That’s how your dad and I got here in the first place.”
“I’ll think about it.”
Mom pushes in her chair. “Clock’s tickin’.”
“But no pressure, right?”
“Not from me.”
• • •
Gregg doesn’t even appear an inch sick when Mom and I enter his room. His face glows. He’s embroiled in a game of NHL15 and his sister Courtney looks relieved to have the interruption. She throws down her defeated controller.