“No.” I reach for him, but he stands, begins to pace the room. “I was going to tell you but then we went outside and everything was so perf—”
“Did you have your phone turned off?”
“Yes, but Al—”
“Did he try to kiss you again?” He bends to pick up my shirt off the floor, rounds it into a ball and hands it to me.
“God no! It wasn’t like that.” I scramble to the edge of the bed, shimmy my top on.
“You need to tell me if you’re into him.”
“I told you, he’s like a brother to me. It couldn’t be anything more. Ever.” And then. “And he’s with Lani.”
“That’s supposed to make me feel better?” he says, sarcasm dripping. “How do I know you weren’t taking your tits out for him?”
“What? No! God, I would never.”
His laugh comes hard and quick. “Are you sure?”
What’s happening here? “I don’t want anything to do with him that way. This is so nothing to freak out about. You have to trust me.”
“Trust you?” He runs both of his hands through his hair and pulls at the back, locking his head between his stiff elbows. The muscles in his arms bulge. “How can I? You’re over at his house without telling me, hanging out, doing fuck knows what, lying and telling me you’re with your mom.”
“I was with my mom.”
He turns on me, quick. “You should have told me you were going over to his place. You should have answered my calls.” His voice is almost a whisper now as he paces the floor. “You promised you wouldn’t see him and you did. Then you keep it a secret. How do you think this makes me feel, Zephyr?”
“You asked me to hang back, Alec. I did. I barely even talk to Gregg anymore.”
“You’ve justified all this in your head already, haven’t you?”
“What? No!”
“If you really loved me you would ha—”
“I do love you.” I reach for his arm, but he shrugs me off.
“I need to be alone.”
“Are you kidding?” What about our perfect night? The night to ourselves? God, what have I done? “Gregg is so not anything to me. You have to believe that.”
“You should have been honest, Zephyr. Half truths after the fact don’t count.”
“You’re right. It was stupid. I should have told you right when I got here.”
“No. You should have respected me, told me yesterday. I opened up to you. I came clean about my insecurities.” He gives a harsh nod toward the door. “I have to think.”
“Alec, please . . .”
He points to the door. “Go.”
The one word is a punch to my gut, knocking the wind out of me.
I gather my coat and slip down the carpeted stairs, out the front door. The spotlights blare, accusing me in their own way. Tears bite against my skin but I brush them away as I start my car, wondering if I’ll ever see clearly again.
It is an ache to breathe.
• • •
Somehow I manage to drive home, though tears obscure my vision. Maybe that’s why I’m slow to realize Finn’s in the middle of our dirt drive, spinning in circles, looking disoriented and lost out here on his own. Did Mom leave the back gate unlatched? I jump out of the car, kneel to him and he whimpers. His eyes are glazed, remote.
“You look like I feel, buddy. Come on.” I take hold of his collar, walk him to my car where I have to help him jump into the front seat. He collapses in a heap.
“You scared out here all alone?” I slip behind the wheel and scratch his head. “You’ll feel better when we get home,” I tell him.
And I want this to be true for both of us.
Chapter 18
I bring Finn into my bedroom and set him onto a nest of blankets on my bed. He folds lazily, curls into himself. I fetch water, but he refuses it. I crawl onto the bed, wrapping his body with my own, and stroke him along the white patch that marks his breast. An occasional gurgle spills from his insides.
“Did you get into something, boy?” I nuzzle against his soft head. “You’ll be okay. I promise.”
I stroke his legs, down to his snow white paws. His fur is so soft and soothing that I close my eyes. When I do, I think of Alec.
It’s impossible to stop picturing Alec in his room, his defensive posture turned away from me. He was so honest about feeling threatened by my friendship with Gregg. So vulnerable and trusting. Why didn’t I just tell him I was going to Gregg’s and that he had nothing to be jealous of? Why didn’t I tell him Thanksgiving night on the phone? Tell him everything?
But I know. I know and I don’t want to know. That parts of Gregg live in that deep, secret space within me too. Last night made me realize that.