He jerks his arm away. “I gotta do a thing before calc, Zephyr. I can’t be late.” He turns too fast, doubles his stride down the hall. I watch the back of his head disappear into a sea of students. A body slams into me and a tall kid apologizes. I wave it off, aware only of a small bit in my middle sinking with more force than gravity.
• • •
At lunch, I search for Alec but he’s nowhere.
“Earth to Zee.” Lizzie’s voice reaches me from the valley of some outlying place. “You look like you’re on a totally different planet.”
“I need to talk to Alec.” I didn’t imagine Alec pulling away from me, did I? “I think he might be mad at me, or annoyed or something.”
“I’m sure everything’s fine. He just gave you that card, like, this morning.”
“True.”
But Lizzie’s eyes hang on me. I avoid her gaze and hate the questions that fill my head.
When Alec arrives late for French he has a hall pass. He and Mrs. Sarter exchange hushed words as he hands it to her. I find myself leaning forward wanting to know where he was, what teacher wrote the excuse for him. But he doesn’t give me any clue. He doesn’t even look at me, keeps his legs tucked squarely under his desk. I could physically reach over and touch his knee but his forced posture defends his space. This I’m not imagining. He bolts as soon as the bell rings. I don’t even have my books gathered before I see his empty chair. Just like Gregg’s.
I feel totally abandoned.
And I can’t go home. I know Mom’s apology is waiting for me there, but I can’t get my head around Dad’s return or their Monday night dates or any of it. Not enough to talk to Mom openly, the way she deserves.
Not while all I can think of is Alec feeling so far away. I am rudderless without field hockey to fill the afternoon hours, so I disappear into the town library, try to catch up on the work I’ve let slide. I’m not nearly done when the library closes at six o’clock. I check my phone and there are no texts, no missed calls. I pull out of the parking lot for home, but drive to Alec’s instead.
He answers the door, steps outside onto the stoop with me. His hair glistens from his post-practice shower. “What’s going on?”
“Are you mad at me?”
He rubs his arms for warmth, looks out at the dark, stagnant neighborhood. “Not mad. Disappointed, maybe.”
I search for an answer in his eyes. “Why?”
“You ditched me this morning. I gave you a card, Zephyr, and you didn’t even stick around long enough to open it. It was like . . . like I didn’t matter or something.”
I think back to this morning, Karen and the girls pulling me away. “That was the team, not me.”
He looks at me hard. “You could have asked them to wait.”
“I didn’t realize . . .”
“Look, I get it, they’re your friends.” He tucks a stray piece of hair behind my ear. “But I’m your boyfriend. At least, I think so, right?”
“Yes, of course! Please don’t doubt that.”
“Do you know how nervous I was to give you that card? And then you just walked away?”
“I’m really sorry. I felt like hell all day if that’s any consolation. I knew something was wrong.”
“I’m not a big fan of hashing out my private issues in front of other people.”
“I get that.”
“Do you?” He searches my face, finds my eyes. “Do you get how much I’m into you, or how much it killed me when you blew me off to hang with Slice? I thought you needed help with your mom and then I find out you’re go-carting with another guy . . .”
“And Lizzie and Lani. And it wasn’t my idea. I would’ve rather been with you.”
“Ever since we met at the park, I’ve been freaking out that you dig on Slice and you’re only with me as . . . I don’t know . . . a placeholder or something.”
“Uh, no. You couldn’t be more wrong.”
“I’m not sure I am wrong.”
“There was this thing between us but it meant nothing. Noth. Ing.”
“What thing?” His eyes narrow.
I force a dismissive tone. “Around the time I met you, Gregg kissed me.”
He steps back, releases a burdened laugh. “That’s what all that tension was between you two?”
“Only because it was a mistake.”
“Zephyr, you can’t even know . . . God, just hearing you and Slice kissed makes me insanely jealous.”
The world trembles as I watch Alec flush white. “I didn’t want to kiss him.”
“How can I know that?”