Gregg faces me, his eyebrows raised. “You’re sorry for kissing Alec?”
I drop my gaze to the floor. “No.” The admission is a disgraced whisper wrapped in shame.
“Didn’t think so.”
“I’m sorry you had to—”
“Do you know what I’m sorry about, Zephyr?” Gregg harpoons me with his pointed gaze.
I shake my head. I know and I don’t know and I don’t want to know.
“I’m sorry you didn’t want me to kiss you. I’m sorry you didn’t kiss me back the way you kissed Alec. I’m sorry that kissing you is something I’ve been thinking about since we were twelve years old and we found that rope swing by the quarry.”
I remember that summer. I’d borrowed his shirt to swim in because we hadn’t known the quarry would be full of water. I fell asleep in the late afternoon grass and he got a sunburn on half his face. Because he’d been on his side the whole time I’d slept, watching me rest.
“Gregg . . .” The word thin as wind. I take a step closer to him.
“Don’t.” He thrusts out his hand to stop me. “You’ve known this dude for all of, like, five minutes and you’re sucking face with him at the rink. In front of everybody? Jesus, Zephyr. You’ve known me your whole life and you don’t have enough respect for me to take that shit someplace where I don’t have to see it?”
“Gregg—”
“No. You don’t get to come here and ask me to pretend everything is normal. I can’t just show up at your game like none of this happened. You can’t have it both ways, Zeph. That’s not the way shit like this works. You made your choice and I get to make mine.”
His words steal air from the room.
“I think it might be better if you weren’t here right now.”
I force my feet to move, my heart not to shatter. At the door, I tell him, “I’m really sorry. I never meant to hurt anyone.” I hope he hears the truth in the apology.
When I leave Gregg’s, I feel a strange need to see Alec. Be propped up by the security of his arms. I pull into Gosland Park and call him.
“We won,” I tell him, forcing my tone bright. “But I played like hell. I’m feeling pretty beat up. Any chance you’re free?”
“I wish. But I’m wiped. Coach had me at special practice, blocking shots from a machine all afternoon. I wish I could have been at your game instead. I’m bummed I missed it.”
“Yeah, no . . . that’s cool.” I bite at the skin at the edge of my thumb. Silence hangs.
“You gonna be okay?”
“Fine. Yeah.” I squint at the abandoned swing set.
“I’ll make it up to you. Promise.”
“It’s nothing,” I lie. “I’m beat too. Like I said, tough game.”
“But you won.” His voice rallies with support.
“We did.”
When I get home, Mom is all cheerleader. She actually squeals when I tell her we’re one game away from winning State. Finn greets me with his usual enthusiasm, always convinced I’m a winner despite my failures. I decline Mom’s offer to celebrate by going out for dinner and retreat to my room. I snuggle with Finn on my bed and the quiet of the house drums in my ears. It is a pulsing soundlessness that taunts me with all that I’ve lost with Gregg. With my dad.
I bury my head in Finn’s velvet fur and wonder how anyone is supposed to trust another person with their heart.
Chapter 9
I am grateful for the demands of postseason field hockey. Today’s practice was grueling enough to obliterate the stress I’ve been feeling over Gregg. I run off the field and grab a towel.
Karen pats me on the back as I wipe the sweat from my forehead. “Good form, Doyle. Glad to see you back.” I can easily picture Karen being a high school coach someday. She tosses me an orange slice and I suck at the meat of the fruit and let the juice slake my thirst.
Now I need a shower to soothe my sore muscles after running six miles, playing a full scrimmage. I head toward the bleachers and the pressure to win State strangles like a snake tightening. It’s been eleven years since Sudbury’s held a field hockey state championship. The stress makes my shoulders ache, until I see Alec leaning against the stands.
He comes to me. “You looked awesome out there.” He nudges my hip with his. “Even better up close.”
“Ugh. I’m a sweaty mess.”
“Doesn’t bother me.” He takes my hand. “Do you have plans now?”
“I need a shower.”
“Hang out with me instead. I’ve been worried since you sounded so down last night.”