If I’m being honest, I think about that other girl a lot.
I wish I knew her. Now.
I wonder if she has a mark on her hip. If she’s safe. And I wonder if there were other girls before her, and if those girls had people who would listen to them the way I did.
I want to tell the girls it’s not their fault.
I want them to tell me I’m not at fault. I want them to hear me say, “I know.”
I know.
Coach blows her whistle for us to gather up.
“Good luck.” Gregg cups my wrist with his hand, rolling his thumb over the sharp bones there. Then his thumb strokes again.
I lean into him. “Thanks.”
“Give ’em hell, Ones.”
I run to my team and take the bench with the other freshmen. Sweat thickens on my palms. Even now it’s hard not to remember that night as I hold my stick. The way I hit Alec, broke his ribs. But when I think of all the other ways it could have ended, I’m grateful for the solidarity I feel with this length of wood. It has saved me, in more ways than one. Even in the days after Alec disappeared, it was everything to sleep with my stick tucked into my covers. Finn snoring at my feet.
The ref’s whistle blows with another point for Boston College and we stand to cheer. When I sit back down, it is impossible to remain still. I lean forward, my elbows on my knees, my body wanting desperately to be on the field. I watch my teammates rack up points. They are quick and smooth and so professional, nearly shutting out the visiting university entirely.
When we enter the fourth quarter, Coach yells my name. “Doyle, you’re up!”
I stand quick, shove in my mouth guard and run into position, my stick tucked across the span of my pelvis. I steal a quick look at the bleachers, how Mom and Dad stand together, in anticipation. I grind my cleats into the grass, knowing this spot on the field is a gift. Our team is so far ahead Coach can afford to send in her B string players. And I’m okay being B string. For now.
Above the crowd I hear Lizzie’s ranch-hand whistle.
Gregg calling out my number.
And all that matters is the grass under my feet, the lights watching the field. My team around me, my parents with me.
And how good it is to feel worthy.