I close my eyes and catalog my injuries. My skull. Ribs. Places others can’t see. He was precise, and I am glad for the careful placement of my wreckages. So I don’t need to show the world my shame.
Chapter 36
I wake to the smell of bacon and panic. Is Mom home? Is there blood on the cabinets? The night crashes back to me with too much clarity. I press my fingers to the golf ball pounding under my scalp.
Then Lizzie’s voice.
So close.
“Zee, it’s me. “I made you some food.”
Her kind tone coaxes me to sit upright. I find I am in my room, surrounded by the familiar. Photos on my wall. My record player. Clothes. Lizzie.
And a tray on my bureau, with eggs and bacon and a small bowl of yogurt.
The smells turn my stomach as bits of Alec crash into my head. I reach for the water on my bedside table.
Lizzie leans in. “Just take it slow.”
I take a sip and rest against my pillows. My side yelps.
“How bad is it?” Lizzie asks.
“It hurts.” A squeak.
A song rises from the kitchen. Cee Lo. Faint, but Cee Lo. I see you driving ’round town with the girl I love and I’m like, Fuck You!
Lizzie gives a guilty shrug. “I couldn’t resist.”
My phone. Still in the pocket of my jacket. Is my jacket still in a heap on the kitchen floor? The way I was?
Lizzie strokes my leg. “Alec could have really hurt you, Zephyr.”
“He did hurt me.”
“You know what I mean.”
I do.
“Do you remember what happened?”
I remember too much. “How did you know to come?”
“When you didn’t text me, I called Slice. He said you’d left.”
The wedding. The kiss. Alec waiting in Mom’s car.
“Do you remember me coming over?”
I remember falling to the floor, Alec begging me to forgive him. I remember blacking out and coming to. And blacking out. “I remember something cold, and hearing your voice.”
“I wanted to call the police, Zee, but you wouldn’t let me. I still think we should.”
“No,” I say quickly.
The phone rings again. Alec.
Lizzie stands, paces. “Don’t let him get away with this, Zephyr.” She tucks back a string of her pixie white hair. “He beat you, Zee. For no reason.”
“Not no reason.”
A scoff. “Please don’t tell me you think he was justified.”
“No. Of course not. But I kissed Gregg. Alec saw us.”
“I don’t care if he saw you and Slice having sex. Nothing gives him the right to hurt you.”
“I know.”
“Do you?”
“Of course, Lizzie. It’s just—”
“Please be careful how you finish that sentence.”
The tears start now. Full and round, pooling in the corners of my eyes. The thoughts that tortured me all last night as I slipped in and out of awareness. “Shouldn’t I have seen this coming? What is wrong with me that I let this happen? He was supposed to be perfect. I loved him, Lizzie. I gave him everything.”
He reaches out to me again, my phone singing in the background.
Lizzie kneels at my bedside. “There is nothing wrong with you, Zephyr, and he’s far from perfect. He’s the asshole here, not you.”
I pull my covers tight around my chest. “I can’t have anyone know.”
“You can’t be silent about this, Zee.”
“But I can’t tell anyone, either. Then they’ll know that I’m the idiot who fell for the wrong guy, and that I let him take too much. I can’t, Lizzie. It’s been hard enough admitting that to you and my parents; I can’t have the school knowing.” Tears conquer me. “Don’t make me do that. I won’t survive the shame.”
“You have nothing to be ashamed of. This isn’t on you.” She stands quiet, thinking. “What’s going to happen when you see him in school?”
“I don’t know.”
“How are you going to explain the fact that you can barely walk?”
I pull a tissue from the box, wipe my face. “I don’t know.”
Lizzie sighs out a long breath. “You’re sure you were clear with him? That it’s totally over?”
I swallow hard. “Yes. Of course. That’s why he’s pissed.”
“Is there any way he thinks you’ll forgive him again?”
Again.
It is a word.
An accusation.
My failure.
“No way.”
“Okay, I’ll stay quiet. I won’t say anything until you’re ready.” She collapses into my desk chair, taps the top of the Boston College catalog. “You can recover from this, you know.”
I thought I could, but now? “Can I?” I swing my legs over the side of the bed and the muscles around my ribs shriek. I push onto my feet. Lizzie half stands to help me, her arms extended, but I wave her away. I slip one foot in front of the other, my spine realigning, my muscles stretching into this newly reordered skin.