The Forget-Me-Not Sonata(111)

‘She’s mad, Nelly, quite mad. Don’t give her any attention or she’ll do it again,’ she hissed. Diana fanned herself. Death frightened her and the closer she got to it the more frightened she became.

As the service began Audrey caught the eye of Emma Letton who sat with her husband and three children. She suffered a sudden pain as she thought of her own children so far away and smiled sadly at her friend. Emma smiled back, a smile full of compassion for she understood Audrey’s despair. It was her sister’s memorial service, a reminder of her death, however well meaning and she was bereft of Alicia and Leonora. Emma shifted her eyes to Louis, who stood tall and proud next to her and couldn’t help but wonder whether he had only increased the amount of stress on her dear friend’s shoulders.

Audrey tried desperately to feel her sister’s presence in the spring sunshine and fragrant breeze and watched the candles on the altar in case they mysteriously extinguished themselves again. But if Isla was there in spirit she made no show of herself, only in the memory of all those present as they remembered, through words and song, the ebullient child who had touched them all and then left, so suddenly, that they all still felt the ripples twelve years on.

When Louis stood beneath the nave to read a poem chosen by Rose, Audrey felt a gentle rustle of admiration sweep through the congregation, reaching her at the front of the church like a wave and causing her body to grow hot with resentment. How fickle people are, she thought once again, and how fickle I was. If only I had had the courage to follow my heart. She watched him with determination. His hands trembled as he read and he didn’t once look up from the book in case he lost his place or perhaps for fear that they would see in his eyes the lies he had woven. Audrey felt her whole being swell with love and the unwavering resolve that whatever happened they would have a future together. When he had finished he returned to his place, looking at the rows of people from beneath his tousled fringe. Audrey smiled tenderly at him when he sat down and Cecil nodded his head in a brotherly sort of way, but his face was solemn. Then the two men locked eyes for a long moment so that Audrey wondered what silent communication passed between them. Suddenly Louis’ face flushed and he lowered his eyes guiltily, the self-confidence at once undermined by the challenge in his brother’s stare. But his sense of shame didn’t last for long because he could feel Audrey’s warm body pressed against his and his thoughts were distracted from the glare of his brother’s scrutiny. Then it was prayers and they were kneeling with their eyes closed, trying to concentrate on what the vicar was saying, but in the darkness they could only make out each other.

It was at the end of the service, when they were filing out, that Audrey’s eyes fell upon the chairs at the very back of the church, now emptied of people and cast in shadow because the sun was unable to reach them. She felt her throat tighten with the memory of that final and devastating conversation she had had with Louis. She was unable to recall it without wincing. Suddenly she felt the tears blur her vision and without caring whether Cecil was beside her or far behind her, she threw her arms around Louis. She felt him stiffen, aware that they were in public and that his brother was right behind them. ‘I don’t want to lose you again,’ she whispered into his ear. ‘I lost you right here in this very place twelve years ago and I’ve spent all that time regretting it. Please don’t leave me again, I wouldn’t survive it this time.’

Louis squeezed her and whispered back, ‘I’m not going anywhere without you,’ he said. ‘I’ll wait for you until I die if I have to.’ She sniffed and pulled away. Then she noticed his eyes shift their focus to beyond her. She turned to see Cecil approaching them, talking quietly to Rose and Henry. He shot her an inquiring look and she pulled a thin smile in reply to indicate that she was fine, just tearful, but fine. He turned away and continued his conversation with her parents. But his face fell into shadow as once again he was plagued with suspicion.

Everyone was invited back to Canning Street for drinks and the house vibrated with celebration instead of the grief which had blackened the air twelve years before. Aunt Hilda watched Louis with resentment while Nelly felt his every move even though she was at the other end of the room. Aunt Edna’s jolly presence entertained everyone in spite of the debilitating sense of nausea that gripped her every time she thought of Audrey and Louis and the potential volcano they were both sitting on and she couldn’t help but notice how Cecil’s hands shook as he gulped down inordinate quantities of alcohol. He used to be such a confident, dazzling young man, she thought sadly. Where has Cecil Forrester gone?