“Kaley,” she warns.
“What? I’m serious. I never want to meet this jerk. And since I’m stuck here until I graduate, then I guess we’re left with no other choice. Well, that’s if this fling even lasts that long, right Mom?”
She doesn’t look at me as she wipes down the counter.
“You’ll thank me one day,” she says quietly.
“Pfft! Sure, Mom,” I say, stalking off. I catch the side of her face before exiting the kitchen, and the sorrow in her eyes lassos me with guilt. Her happiness has disturbed me, sure, but seeing her disheartened is much worse. But she is right about one thing: This is my time. And I’m still determined to save up and get the hell out of this house. Then she can have her man, and I can have my freedom. . . . Maybe she’ll be thanking me one day.
AFTER I SLIP into my pajamas, I check my phone again.
Still nothing.
At only eighteen years old, I’ve already learned that love just isn’t enough. I crawl into my desolate bed and grab hold of my pillow, clutching it to my chest, hoping the pressure against my wound will slow down the bleeding. A stream of tears fall from my face. I just need to get through this next week. It isn’t even a full week—three days of school, then graduation on Thursday. And then I’ll be free.
Free of high school.
Free of Tommy.
Free of him.
CHAPTER THIRTY
EXCITEMENT FILLS THE AIR AS the seniors anticipate graduation. Emily is a ball of emotions—shrieking with laughter one moment, collapsing in tears the next. I try my best to console her, though I am in great need of consolation myself. If only I could share every part of my life with her. . . .
It’s difficult to focus on my math final, but I studied hard for it, and I’ll be damned if I embarrass myself with anything less than an A. It’s the last bit of pride I have, and I cling to it with every ounce of my hollow soul.
The hour is winding down, and I’m one of the last to finish. I drag my gaze to his desk and soak in the last view I’ll ever have of him from where I sit. He stares vacantly at the back wall, resting the tip of his pen against his lips.
What are you thinking about?
My chair squeaks as I rise. With my stare fixed on him, I make my way to his desk, but he doesn’t move. I feel like a ghost from his past.
I would say I wish Tommy had never yelled at me the night of Derek’s party, but I can’t. I know now that he and I aren’t supposed to end up together. But I do wish I would’ve gone to the bookstore that night, instead of the movie theater. Then Elijah never would have taken me home. He never would have made me feel so beautiful . . . so alive that night. I never would have sat on the back ledge of his Tahoe after the baseball game, and he never would have looked at me in that way that makes every cell in my body dance. I never would have taken a cab to his house after prom. . . .
I never would have fallen in love.
He would just be that hot math teacher that I had a silly crush on in high school. Emily and I would laugh about the days we used to watch him walk the halls, or that time we drove by his house, or that time she conspired to get him to take us home.
He still would have changed me in some way, though—woken me up to womanhood before I started college. I do believe that. But that would be it. There would be no unbearable pain. There would be no tormenting memories so vivid I’m forced to lock them in a vault deep in my soul. There would just be the joyous memories of my senior year, graduation, and the anticipation of college.
I hold out my final, breaking his trance. He glances at my hand as he takes it from me, but never lifts his eyes to meet my face.
“Here,” I say softly, setting the pencil I had to borrow from him back on his desk.
I wait for a moment, but he keeps his head down, looking over the stack of finals. I can’t believe our epic romance has come to this. I hastily spin away from him, heading back to my desk. Am I foolish to even think we had a relationship?
His harsh words echo in my mind: I’m sorry I ever let anything happen.
Had it simply been lust on his end? Infatuation on mine? Whatever it was, it wasn’t enough to hold up against the odds.
We were doomed from the very beginning.
I grab my bag and slowly walk out of his classroom for the final time.
I don’t look back.
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
GRADUATION DAY FINALLY ARRIVES, AND I think back on my life as I finish curling my hair. So much has happened in the last few months—things I had never expected. A quick love affair with my math teacher—if you can even call it that—my parents separating, my mom’s affair, my breakup with Tommy, and my best friend moving hours away—not to mention my father. I step back and take in my reflection. My gray pencil skirt, white button-down blouse, and nude heels make me feel sophisticated—like an adult, even. But it isn’t just my ensemble that has me looking older—it’s my eyes. They’ve changed over these last few months. They know more, they’ve experienced more. But hopefully, over time, they won’t always look this dispirited. I sigh into the mirror. Why do we even bother dressing up for graduation, when we just cover it up with the most hideous get-up imaginable?
Emily and I are set to walk together during the ceremony, behind Derek and Tommy, and I can’t help but think how differently I expected this day to be. The four of us would’ve partied all night and enjoyed a blockbuster summer together before heading off to college. But instead, we’ll be celebrating tonight with awkwardness to the tenth power. They all agreed to hang out at my house for a couple hours before Derek’s party—much to my mother’s delight—so we decide to ride to the ceremony together.
One happy little dysfunctional foursome.
Derek picks me up in his Beemer, and I climb into the back seat with my gown swung over my arm. Emily turns around from the front seat, scrunching up her face.
I tilt my head. “What?”
“I have to tell you something before we pick up Tommy.” She and Derek exchange a glance.
“Okay . . .” I hold my elbows tightly to my sides, bracing myself for whatever she has to say.
“Tommy’s taking Avery to Derek’s party.”
A sharp laugh bursts out of me. “Of course he is.”
Emily bites her bottom lip. “Are you really cool with it? Or are you going mad?”
“Neither, Ems,” I say. “I just want this entire day to be over with.”
She gives me an empathic smile and turns back around.
Okay, so Tommy’s taking skanky little Avery to the party. He’s moving on. If that’s who he wants to move on with, then so be it. At least he’ll be getting laid tonight, so maybe he’ll be in a civil mood.
“Wait,” I say as we pull into Tommy’s driveway. “We’re not picking her up before the party, are we?” I may want everyone to move on, but I don’t think I can handle being squished in the backseat with the slut bag.
Emily tightens her lips. “Um . . .”
“Seriously you guys?”
“Not if you don’t want us to,” Emily assures me.
I slump back in my seat. “I’ll just drive myself to the party,” I mutter. “We’ll be at my house beforehand anyway.”
“I’ll ride with you,” Emily says in a firm voice.
“Thanks.” I smile at her as Tommy climbs into the backseat behind Derek. I scoot away from him.
“You look nice, Kay,” he says.
I give him a phony smile before peering out the window. I can’t believe his nerve. At least I can be freed from some of my guilt now that he’s dating Avery. We ride the rest of the way in silence.
I HOLD EMILY’S hand throughout the ceremony. We need each other more than ever right now. Her world is crumbling as she counts down her last days with Derek, and I long to fill her in with all the secrets I hold. As we walk down the aisle, I feel my chin quiver, and I’m surprised by my rush of emotion. It’s agonizing to remain composed when I see my parents in the crowd sitting next to each other. This is probably the last time I will see them side-by-side, and I burn the image into my memory.
Just before the commencement speaker officially announces our class graduated, I look to my friends—even Tommy. We’re finally graduating high school and moving out into the real world. With everything I’ve gone through this year, I wonder what life will bring as I make my way into adulthood, and I feel a twinge of excited anticipation.
The most surreal moment of the day is saying good-bye to my dad after the ceremony. He’s about to drive hours away and create a new life for himself. I can’t fathom not seeing him every day. When my mom is done taking pictures of us, he hugs me tight and says in my ear, “Call me if you ever need anything, Kay. Day or night, I will always be there for you.” His voice breaks.
“Thanks, Daddy,” I whisper.
There is something humbling about seeing my father break down. He’s no longer the strong, invincible man I once admired as a little girl. . . . He is a human being, just like me.
And he is broken.
I squeeze him tight before letting go—I refuse to let him see me cry. I don’t want him harboring any more guilt than he already does. He deserves to get away and have a fresh start.
We all do.
DEREK, EMILY, TOMMY, and I all pile into the Beemer.