He had me earlier. Probably back when he’d insisted he didn’t want to be whatever with me, but for sure when he’d inferred he was broken, and that I was not. And if none of that had reached me, his last statement would have. I did understand him. More than I had ever thought possible. What it felt like to be a certain way and to loathe myself for it. How difficult it was to change and learn to accept the parts of me that were fundamentally never going to change. And what it did to me to believe I was incapable of falling in love the way normal people do.
I knew what it felt like to be that person.
“I’m sorry.” It came out as a choked whisper so I repeated it. “I’m sorry. You didn’t judge me and I judged you.”
He nodded once and I knew that was his way of accepting my apology.
“And I exaggerated when I called you a bully. I haven’t done anything I didn’t want to. And your whole confident, domineering thing is actually kinda hot.”
He almost smiled, but squeezed his eyes shut as if trying to reign in his emotions. When he opened them again, they were pleading. “Alayna, don’t quit. Don’t quit me.”
I looked away, knowing how easy it would be to give in if I kept staring into those gray eyes. “Hudson, I have to. Not because of this, well, not only because of this, but because of my past. I’m not well enough to be with someone who has his own issues.”
Truthfully, I didn’t know if I was well enough to be with anyone.
“You are, Alayna. You only tell that to yourself because you’re scared.”
That drew me to face him. “I should be scared. It’s not safe. For either of us. You should be scared, too.”
He let out a heavy breath. When he spoke again, he was resigned, as if he didn’t expect his words to make a difference yet he spoke them anyway. “I don’t believe that. I think spending time with another person who has similar compulsive tendencies can provide insight and healing.”
I leaned my head back against the seat and stared at the car’s ceiling. I wanted to believe like he did—that we could make each other better. But I couldn’t. All I’d witnessed and experienced in my life around addicts told me otherwise. Besides, if he’d wanted me around him to confide in and give some understanding, he should have told me his secrets from the beginning. And he hadn’t.
As much as it pained me, I had to break things off. I had to do the right thing once and for all.
But there were my own financial woes. As irrelevant as money might have seemed at the moment, being able to keep my job at the club had an enormous impact on my own mental well-being. “I won’t quit.” I turned to face him. “But I can’t have a relationship with you, Hudson.” My throat felt tight, but I kept on. “All I can give you is the fake. I have to protect myself here.” I should have ended all of it, but I didn’t have the strength for that. This had to enough.
Hudson’s shoulders lowered slightly. “I understand.” He nodded as if to reaffirm that he understood, making me suspect that he didn’t understand at all but was accepting my decision anyway. “Thank you.” He straightened, his poise returning, and I knew that he was back to his regular confident self.
I had one more thing to say, though. I leaned toward him, placing my hand firmly on his knee. “Hudson, you’re not broken.”
His expression faltered briefly, his eyes cast downward. When they rose again I saw them pass my exposed cleavage. His brow rose. “What are you...? Is that...?”
I looked down to see what he saw. The corset. Damn, I’d forgotten. A familiar tug of desire formed low in my belly, followed by a more painful ache in my chest. “Yes. I’d worn it for you.”
He sighed. “Wow. That was…that was very thoughtful of you.”
We still wanted each other, and it would be so easy to let that want rule us.
But I was stronger than that. I could be stronger than that. “I’m sorry.”
“I know. I am, too.” His eyes lingered on mine for a moment, before he shifted gears entirely. “This may be poor timing, but I need to get back to my mother’s show.”
“Sure.”
“And since you’re supposed to be sick, you will need to go home.”
I listened as he ordered Jordan to drive toward my apartment.
“When is our next show, boss?” I asked, half praying the answer was soon, knowing that the more time before I saw him again, the better.
“I’m not sure. I have to fly to Cincinnati tonight.” He pursed his lips. “And I am not your boss.”
“Cincinnati? Tonight?”