The Fixed Trilogy(Fixed on You, Found in You, Forever With You)(306)

I tilted my chin up, the only challenge I could muster besides my heated words. “But you didn’t fall in love with me. There’s no way, because you don’t do shit like that to people you love!”

“I’d never been in love, Alayna! I didn’t understand what I was feeling. I only knew I had to be with you and this was the way to do it.” His voice cracked. “I’m not excusing what I did, but I’m explaining. I’m pleading for you to try to…to try and…”

“And what? See it from your point of view? Forgive you?” Bitterness dripped from me. There wasn’t anything else inside me. I couldn’t even cry.

I cocked my head and met his eyes, making certain my next words were clearly understood no matter how I stuttered to get them out. “This is unforgiveable, Hudson! There is no moving forward from this.”

“Don’t say that. Don’t ever say that.” His tone was urgent and remorseful. Pained.

I didn’t fucking care. Let him hurt. I was glad for it, if that’s even how he really felt. I’d hurt him further if I could. I did my best to try. “What is it exactly that you don’t want to hear, Hudson? That I can’t forgive you? I can’t. I can’t forgive this. Ever.”

“Alayna, please!” He started for me again.

I kicked at him, managing to connect a foot with his upper arm. “We’re over. Over! Don’t you get it? There’s no fucking way to ever trust you again after this!”

He sat back again. He could have easily overcome me if he’d kept trying. Even when I was upset and pumped with adrenaline, he was stronger than me. I couldn’t even gather an ounce of gratefulness for it though. He owed me that. He owed me more.

I didn’t trust that he wouldn’t try once more, and the last thing I wanted was his touch. In fact, I couldn’t even look at him. I had to go. Placing a hand in front of me, I pushed myself up to stand. “I’m leaving now. Don’t try to stop me. Don’t come after me.” It took great effort, but finally I was on my feet. “We’re done.”

Hudson followed me up. “We aren’t done, Alayna. This isn’t over. We’ve rebuilt trust after you’ve broken—”

I spun toward him. “Don’t even fucking compare what I’ve done to this! My mistakes are not even in the same category. This is the worst thing. The worst thing you could...I can’t even…I can’t breathe…” I leaned over, placing my palms on my thighs, trying to get air into my lungs.

He settled a hand on my back, leaning in to check on my breathing.

I shrugged him off. “Don’t,” I seethed with what air I could find. “Don’t ever again. Don’t touch me. Don’t call. Don’t try to reach out to me. This is over, Hudson. Over! I can’t see you anymore.” I’d been numb before, but now I felt volcanic, explosive. Everything inside—I wanted it out. Wanted to retch up every single speck of emotion I had about Hudson, good and bad. I yearned to be free of it all.

And yet the feeling went on. Endless and deep and unbearable.

“Don’t say that, Alayna. Tell me how to fix this. Please.” Hudson’s despair echoed my own. “I’ll do anything. There has to be a way.”

I reached my hand out to the desk for support. “How? Tell me how there could possibly be a way to go on together after this?” I wasn’t even sure I’d be able to go on at all after this.

“I don’t have all the answers yet. But we can work on it together. We fix each other, remember?” Hudson curled his hands into fists, straightened them, then curled them again. “I love you, Alayna. I love you—that has to mean something.”

For so long I’d waited to hear him talk of his love. Now, he said it freely, and it felt like a complete mockery of everything I’d yearned for him to express. “Right now it really doesn’t.”

“Please. You can’t mean that.” He reached for me yet again, his grasp circling my wrist.

With a scream, I yanked my arm away. “Get your fucking hands off me!”

He put his hands up in the air, in surrender. Then he let them fall to his side. He took a step backward. “You said,” he paused, “you said you could love me through anything…”

I’d been waiting for him to throw that back at me. Honestly, I was surprised he hadn’t mentioned it earlier. “Since everything you said turned out to be a lie, I don’t feel like I’m obligated to honor my promise either.”

Obligated or not, I did still love him. If I didn’t, then I wouldn’t feel this way. Every molecule in my body wouldn’t be consumed in despair. That was the joke of the whole thing—I’d kept my promise. I did still love him through this horrible, fucked up thing he’d done to me.