The Fixed Trilogy(Fixed on You, Found in You, Forever With You)(201)

“I would have liked to have been found by you.”

I turned back to face him, playing cool and flirty though my subtext was hot and needy. “Would you? I wasn’t sure.”

“Then you’re an idiot.”

“Thank you.”

“A beautiful idiot that I can’t take my eyes off of.”

I couldn’t stop looking at him either. Less than a week apart, it felt like I hadn’t seen him in a lifetime. We were still several feet apart. I took a step toward him, but the distance between us felt just as wide. There was no way I could get to him without…without saying everything.

“Hudson, I saw Celia behind your back.”

His eyes closed for half a second. “I’ve figured that out.”

“I should have told you.” I bit my lip, trying to come up with the right explanation of why I’d done what I’d done. “She was welcoming and supportive and I needed someone to talk to. It’s no excuse.”

His mouth straightened. “You could have talked to me.”

“We don’t always talk that well.”

“We need to work on that, then.”

My throat tightened. He still thought we had a chance. That made all the difference.

Yet there was still hard stuff to say. “You hurt me, Hudson.”

He took a breath so shaky I heard it shudder through him. “I know.”

“Do you?”

“Yes. I transferred David without talking to you.”

“Well.” There were other issues between us. I could let him off the hook on this one. “It turns out that’s probably for the best. It was a good compromise.”

“And I didn’t believe you.” He shook his head, looking down at the floor. “I should have believed you.” His eyes came back to mine. “I’m sorry.”

“Why didn’t you?”

He sighed. “I was more concerned with being the guy who would stand by you. I wanted you to know I’d help you, get you treatment.”

“I didn’t need treatment. I needed you to believe me and you didn’t.”

“We hadn’t had a good track record in being honest with each other. It was instinctual to doubt.”

My back stiffened. “Then it’s my fault that you took her word over mine?”

“I didn’t take her word over yours. I took the evidence and put it into a plausible scenario.”

It was my turn to look at the floor. “Right.” There was nothing wrong with what he said, yet it didn’t ease the ache in my chest.

“The thing you aren’t hearing, Alayna, is that I don’t care.”

My eyes raced back to his.

“I don’t care if you did stalk Celia or call her a million times or leave a dead chicken in her bed—I don’t care. I just want you. I want to be with you. If you were sick, then there was a chance that I would lose you. And I can’t. Whatever it takes to make that happen. Whatever I have to do. Whatever I have to say. I have to have you in my life.”

Goosebumps rushed across my skin. Hudson’s words were both freeing and binding. They relieved me of so many of the doubts that constantly pulled at me. His reluctance to believe me hadn’t been about trust, though I certainly hadn’t deserved his trust. It had been his way to hold on to me. Even at my most crazy, he would still be there for me. That was almost unbelievable. After years of thinking no one could ever want me past my mistakes, his declaration was more of a dream come true than any other aspect of our relationship.

At the same time, I now realized the extent of my failures in our commitment to each other. While he would stand by me through anything, I had pushed him away with secrets and lies. And when I had believed that he had resorted to his past behaviors, when I believed he had manipulated me—I’d only gotten highly pissed. He’d been sick in the past, just as I had, yet I’d blamed him instead of offering understanding.

I fell to my knees with the weight of it all. Tears stung at my eyes. “I don’t know how to do this.”

“Do what?” He collapsed in front of me an arm’s length away. So near but, without his touch, so far.

“Have a relationship.” I swiped at the tears falling down my cheeks. “I keep fucking it up. I kept things from you. I accused you of manipulating me. I didn’t try to compromise about David.”

“I don’t care about any of that.” He nudged an inch closer, his expression desperate. “Just don’t give up on us. Please, don’t give up. I’m a shell without you, Alayna. I can barely breathe when you aren’t near me, when I’m not touching you. Right now, it’s all I can do to hold myself back from taking you in my arms.”