I stood, gathering my dishes to take to the sink. I had to clutch them against my body so he didn’t hear them rattle in my unsteady hands. “And that’s another reason it might not be a good idea. It seems a little like a business plan. Like this is the next step on a list. Not very romantic or anything.”
His voice tightened. “I didn’t realize you were in need of romance. You know that’s not in my nature.”
“Hey.” I waited until he turned to face me, the breakfast bar between us. “That’s bullshit. You say you aren’t romantic, but you really are very much so.” The things he’d said the night before, for example. “I wasn’t complaining about your romantic overtures.”
“Then what are you complaining about?” He seemed genuinely confused.
“Nothing! I’m complaining about nothing.”
“You were complaining about the way I asked you to move in with me.”
“No, I’m not.” I shifted my eyes. “Okay, yes, I was. A little, but that’s not why I’m saying no.”
This took him aback. “You’re saying no?”
“No.” Wait. “I mean, yes.” Except, I didn’t really want to say no. I wanted to be with Hudson all the time, like how he’d said he wanted to be with me. Still, the length of time we’d been together… “I mean, I don’t know.”
Hudson came around the bar and put a hand on each of my upper arms. “Alayna, do you know how you feel about me?”
“Yes. I love you. You know that.”
“Then move in with me.”
I bit my lip and tugged on his lavender tie. “I have to think.”
He put a finger under my chin and lifted my face so I was forced to meet his eyes. “Why?”
“I just do.” I pulled away, unable to concentrate with his hands on me. Unable to stand my ground with the electricity surging between us as it always did when we touched.
Turning back to the sink for distraction, I dumped the grapefruit shells into the garbage and ran water over our dishes. “This is big, and yes, it would make things easier and I can’t deny that I want to—”
“Then do it.”
“—but I don’t know if it’s the right thing to do.” I turned off the water and flicked my wet hands over the sink. Without facing him, I admitted the heart of my hesitation. “I’m falling for you too hard, Hudson. Too fast and that scares me.”
“Falling? Or fallen?”
Both. Every time I was certain I’d met my max capacity of love for him, that I’d fallen as far as I possibly could, he’d go and do or say something spectacular and I’d find I loved him even more. “Either way, does it matter?”
“If you’ve already fallen, then why are you worried anymore about whether it’s too hard or too fast? It’s already done. That’s how I’m approaching it.”
There it was again—an allusion to the way he felt about me without an actual declaration. That was a problem right there, wasn’t it? How could I live with a man who couldn’t even say he loved me?
I took a deep breath and turned to him once again. “Can I just have a little time to think about it? When I’m away from you?”
He stiffened. “Are you suggesting that I’m pressuring you?”
“I’m suggesting that you’re distracting. And yes, it’s pressure, whether you mean for it to be or not. And honestly, a tiny bit manipulative. And with your past, it does cross my mind that maybe you want to control me, and that this is the easiest way for you to do so.”
His expression hardened and I ran to him, wrapping my arms around his neck. “Now, don’t, don’t be upset, H. I’m not saying you are manipulating me or that you want to control me, I’m saying I need time to think. To be sure. Give it to me. Please?”
“If that’s what you need.” His tone was chilly, his arms remaining at his sides, even as I held him.
I curled my fingers into the hair at the back of his neck. “Hudson!”
“What?”
“Don’t be like this.”
He remained stiff. “I’m not being like anything.”
“Then are we okay?” I pressed kisses underneath his jaw, wanting—no, needing—him to yield to me, to give in to my embrace.
He exhaled, finally wrapping his arms around me. “Of course we are.” He kissed the top of my head. “Always.”
Hudson’s driver picked him up at the same time Jordan arrived for me. The minute I was alone in the backseat of the Maybach, I pulled out my phone to call Liesl. I had to talk to someone about Hudson’s move-in proposition, and she was the person I turned to when things got rough. I stopped before I dialed, however. Liesl had worked for me the night before. She’d likely still be sleeping. Besides, even though she knew me, she didn’t know Hudson. Not truly. Knowing Hudson was a vital part of helping me make a sound decision.