"There are some things I should tell you."
"I can't do this again."
"Wait. The thing with Chanos-"
"Stop." I didn't want to hear about Chanos. Didn't want to be reminded of all that had transpired since I'd first met that guy. Of how close I'd come to losing Mom. "After all these months of silence, you think you can just ask me to have a conversation?"
"Silence? I wrote to you every goddamn week as soon as I recovered. I called you. I asked Brooklyn for your new number."
"Recovered? From what?"
His lips thinned. "I tried to reach you. I was going to tell you about that and a lot of things."
"I told Brooklyn that I didn't want to hear from you."
"That's still the way that you want it?"
I had to make him leave me alone. I couldn't stand to be with him again only to lose him all over because he'd push me away. And I was tired of being pushed away. It hurt too much. "Yes, it is. I don't love you, Ryan. I was wrong to tell you that I did. I mistook sexual feelings for love." I couldn't believe how easy it was to lie to him.
He looked like I'd slapped him. Then his face hardened and his beautiful eyes turned icy. "I'm such a fucking idiot. See you around."
It was better this way. When I stopped loving him, everything would be good. I would be okay then. I would stop crying myself to sleep, stop losing weight and stop calling out for him in the middle of the night. Turning around, I rushed back down the stairs. The walls were closing in on me. I needed air. Shoving through the crowd, I located the front door and pushed it open, nearly knocking over a couple of guys trying to come in.
"You okay?" One of them asked but I didn't answer. I couldn't. I ran down the steps and onto the sidewalk, running toward my dorm, pushing my legs to go faster. Reaching the student parking lot, I picked up speed, and everything went by in a blurry haze. The weather chilled the tears on my face, matching the chill in my heart.
RYAN
I was in the library the next day when I overheard a douchebag at the table beside mine mention Tana's name and dancing with her at the party. He bragged about what he hoped to do with her at the next party. She didn't love me and her life was none of my business but caring about her and trying to protect her wasn't something I could turn off regardless of how she felt about me. Sliding back my chair, I walked across the carpet and stopped at the table. "Tana Shaw is off limits to you."
The guy started to rise when his friend slapped a hand on his arm and said, "That's the guy Lewis was talking about. His roommate, Ryan Collins." Douchebag swallowed and slumped in his chair. "Sorry."
Feeling irritated over the encounter, I went back to my seat. Within seconds the table by mine cleared out. I didn't doubt that my reputation had made the rounds with Douchebag and his friends because Lewis had a big mouth.
As if I'd conjured him, Lewis showed up and dropped into the chair across from mine. "Tana has a history class with Professor Bore-me-to-death right about now." He pulled his arm up in an exaggerated way to examine his watch.
"That's her business."
"She has a date tonight. Thought you'd want to know."
"That's her business, too."
"The guy she has a date with is Chip Holland. You've heard of him. Slip-a-roofie Chip."
I slammed the book shut. Fuck this shit. Tana might not love me but I'd be damned if I'd sit around and let this happen. I'd warn her and then I'd beat Chip's ass. I stormed from the library and went into the back of the auditorium where her history class was. Tana was sitting on one of the upper levels. I took a seat directly behind her. She glanced over her shoulder and her mouth dropped open.
She snapped it closed and glared at me. "Following me around?"
"Chip Holland roofies girls. Thought you'd want to know."
"Thanks, but someone else told me that and I cancelled the date with him. I'm going out with Charlie Greenhall. Any objections to him?"
"None. But I have a different warning for you about him." I folded my arms across the back of her chair and leaned close enough to put my lips against her ear. "If he kisses you or touches you while you're on your date, you won't want to, but it'll be my face you'll see. You'll compare the two of us and he'll fall short." I ran my hand along the side of her neck. "And if he makes love to you, he'll never satisfy you because you'll remember how I felt sliding in and out of you. You'll think about my lips on your-"
"That's not true!" Tana burst out angrily, then flushed with embarrassment when the professor paused in the middle of his speech.
He looked our direction over the top of his glasses and gestured to the doors at the back of the room. "Take the conversation outside, please."
Tana grabbed her books and left the classroom, barely making it into the hallway before she said, "Damn you, Ryan. How could you do that to me?"
My heart beat hard, like I'd run a race. I had the feeling she was talking about more than what had just gone on, but I didn't know if either of us could talk about that without all the hurt cropping up, tearing us apart all over again. "I came to warn you about Chip because I care. You said you mistook love for sex. Look me in the eye and tell me that. Tell me you never loved me."
She lowered her head. "Why are you doing this?" Then she lifted her head and glared at me. "You know what, it doesn't matter why you're doing it. There's nothing that you can say that will make me understand why you acted the way that you did. You broke my heart."
I knew I had to take a chance even if it tore me apart. Had to open myself up. Lay it all on the line. "I did what I had to do because I love you."
She jerked her head up to stare at me. "What?"
A couple of girls tried to pass us in the hallway and gave us curious glances. I gripped Tana's elbow and guided us both out of the way. "Can we go somewhere private and talk?"
It felt like I waited an eternity before she nodded. Everything became a tightrope act as we walked down the hall toward the exit. For the first time in years, I couldn't read Tana, couldn't tell where her head was. I was afraid that if I said the wrong words or did the wrong thing, I'd lose her all over again.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
TANA
We went out into the parking lot and sat in the Charger and the familiar feel and scent of the car was almost my undoing. I had so many memories of riding in the car with him. Ryan started the car and cold air from the vents filled the interior. The January weather had dipped the temperatures. I huddled into my jacket while waiting for the car to warm up.
What Ryan had said didn't make sense. How could he say that he loved me and yet have acted the way that he had?
As soon as the car was semi-warm, he started talking. "I lied to you and I kept lying to you because I didn't believe that I had any other choice."
"You were such a dick, not just once, Ryan, but repeatedly. Like an idiot, I kept on putting up with it. I felt so pathetic."
"I know." He reached for my hand, thought better of it and didn't touch me. "Chanos gave me an ultimatum. I had to rejoin the gang or he would go after everyone that I cared about. Once I made the decision to do that to protect the people I love, I needed to push everyone away, especially you."
He looked past me for a second as a car pulled into the lot. Then he refocused those gorgeous eyes on me again." Abraham pointed out that by rejoining the gang, everyone I loved would be a target for a rival gang." He laughed but it was a bitter laugh. "I was damned if I did and damned if I didn't."
"But why didn't you just tell me that?"
"You would have insisted that we could find a way to be around each other. I've always thought of myself as strong, but you're my greatest weakness. If anyone wants to hurt me, all they have to do is hurt you. I had to make you hate me so that you'd stay away."
"It worked, didn't it?"
"Yeah, it did. I made you hate me and it nearly destroyed both of us."
I picked up my books and hugged them to my chest, afraid to trust what he was saying. "I don't know what to think. What if something with your past or with Chanos crops up again?"
"He's dead."
Since I'd been on the information blackout, I hadn't heard that. "What happened?"
"Clarke happened. I don't want to talk about it."
I tightened my fingers on the books. "That's part of the problem, Ryan. You don't talk about things that matter. You say that you love me, but you don't let me in. And if you want to be with me, that's the price you'll have to pay. I don't want any more secrets. You have to let me in. All the way."
"Honey, there are things in my life that are too ugly for me to share with you."