RYAN
I don't know what the hell Montana was thinking to ask someone like me to have sex with her for the sake of having sex. There were girls you fucked and walked away from and then there were girls you stuck around for because they embedded themselves into your heart so deeply that you forgot where your own heartbeat ended and hers began.
Montana had a hold on me that no other girl had ever come close to having and that scared the shit out of me. Guys that let girls get their hands around their hearts ended up falling for them and that was never gonna be me. Love kneed a guy in the balls and kept him stupid enough to keep crawling back for more. I wasn't in love with her but I didn't know how to define the place she occupied in my life. Every time I was near Tana, I wanted to hold her and tell her she'd be safe forever. I wanted to fight all her demons and slay all her dragons.
Three years ago, I'd found her curled on the ground crying hysterically in front of a graffiti-filled wall at the park. Because her hands were red and her nails bloodied, I thought maybe she'd tried to fight off some guy who'd wanted to rape her. I was pissed and ready to beat ass on her behalf because I'm not down with an asshole that would abuse a girl. But that wasn't her story at all.
We'd been in each other's lives since that day. I didn't know any girls like her-ones that came from money but now didn't have it. The ones I knew were like me, products of a weary foster care system that didn't give a shit. Add judges who saw paperwork and not faces, blend in foster parents who only saw dollar signs instead of kids and you had all the ingredients needed to raise fucked-up hard asses guaranteed to do serious time. Kids who turned into guys like me who'd learned not to give a shit, too. That's why I never made any promises to Tana. I'd only disappoint her if I did. I didn't know the first thing about how to give of myself. Even if I ever reached the place where I wanted to, I didn't know how to really love someone. No girl deserved that.
Mark let out a loud burp and then laughed. The laughter reverberated around the tiny kitchen, bouncing off the yellow walls. Tana and her mom struggled like everyone else in their low-income neighborhood, but their place managed to look like a home and not some transient slop house.
Tana smiled at her brother but when her dark eyes met mine across the table, her smile faded and her cheeks flushed. Her gaze darted back to her plate. I wish I knew what was going on behind that look.
"You wanna play a game with me?" Mark asked, dropping a pepperoni out of his mouth. He picked it up and popped it back in.
"Ryan has stuff to do," Tana said before I could accept. She sounded like me sticking around was the worst idea in the world.
I bumped my fist against Mark's. "No, I don't. I can play a game with you if Tana plays too."
"Can't. Busy," she said, sending a dark look my way. The look was tinged with desperation and I didn't understand why.
Mark shoved aside his plate and slurped his water.
"You make a space for me and I'll be there in a second," I said.
As soon as her brother vacated the room, Tana started clearing the table, banging the plates together louder than she usually did.
I understood now that she was pissed off. I just didn't understand why. If this was about sex, how could she not see that I was looking out for her? "Tana, c'mon."
"So now I'm Tana again?"
I approached her from behind. "I don't want to fight with you." I hated it when we were at odds. She'd become my oasis when the demons of my past were too much to bear. Funny, sweet and gentle, she had a way of calming the hell that chased me and drove me to do the things I did.
She stopped raking out the scraps of pizza crust Mark would never eat and turned to face me, her expression a mixture of anger and hurt. "There's no fight. You'll have sex with a skank and a random skank at that, but not me."
"Shit. Here we go again." She had no idea what was at stake. Sex with someone you cared about always changed everything. When she picked up a cloth to wipe off the table, I grabbed her arm and stopped her. "I only fuck girls I don't care about. They know the score and they're only looking for a good time. They don't expect anything after sex and I sure as hell don't give them anything. There are less complications that way."
"You know that makes you sound like an asshole."
"I meant it to. I don't care about those girls but you and I are friends." I ran my hand from her arm up to her shoulder and gazed into her eyes, hoping she understood what I couldn't even explain to myself.
She shook her head and tucked one side of her hair behind her ear. "That you and I are friends was my whole point. I figured if it was with someone I care about, you know...it'd be better. I don't want my first time to be with someone who treats girls the way you treat your...uncomplicated ones. I don't want to go to college a virgin." She let out a long sigh when I didn't answer, then bit her lip. "I guess I can try Brett."
"Brett?" The mention of him made my temper flare. Hidden behind the smooth face, flashy car, and grin, was a guy who had a habit of not taking no for an answer. "You talk about assholes. That guy is a major one."
She shrugged. "He seems nice and he has asked me out."
"He's not, and when did he ask you out?"
"Couple of weeks ago right after graduation."
"You didn't tell me." Now that I knew, I'd spell it out to Brett in blood and broken bones that Tana was off limits.
"Yeah, Ryan, I didn't. It's not like you're my diary or anything." She crossed her arms against her chest and leaned her back against the sink, putting some space between us. "Just go play a game with Mark and leave me alone."
What the fuck had just happened? I was trying to protect her and now I was the bad guy? "Tana-"
"Go!"
I hated when she acted like that. Girl drama drove me bat shit crazy. Shrugging, I turned around and left the kitchen to go into Mark's room. He looked up at me when I entered.
His eyes were wide and sad in his small face. "Are you and Tana fighting?"
"We're disagreeing." I shoved aside a pile of toys and took a seat beside him on the floor at the foot of his bed. I leaned my back against the blankets and picked up a remote.
"Dad and Mom fought, then he left." Mark maneuvered his player through a jungle and sent me a side-eye glance.
"I'm not going anywhere."
"Promise?"
"You know it, buddy."
"Ever?"
"Ever."
Mark looked relieved, then said, "I don't like Brett."
I paused to look over at him. "What?"
"He came over when Mom wasn't here and talked to Tana. He gives me a mean look when he sees me and he scares me."
I was gonna beat Brett's ass twice as hard. "I'll make sure he doesn't come back."
"Cool." Mark stuck his tongue out of his mouth and bit down as he concentrated on the game.
Keys jangled and the front door opened.
"Uh oh." Mark threw the controller aside and jumped up. "I'm grounded. I'm not supposed to be playing."
We exited the room and Mrs. Shaw smiled when she saw me in the narrow hallway. She was a shorter, slightly heavier version of Tana with eyes that crinkled in the corners whenever she smiled. "Ryan. I didn't know you were stopping by." She liked me okay, but that was because she didn't know about my past. If she did, I doubted she would want me around either of her kids. Turning her head, she saw the pizza box on the kitchen counter and frowned.
"I bought a pizza. Hope that's okay," I said, flashing her a wide smile.
"Yes, of course."
Tana joined us and her mom said, "I'm going to take a shower. Mark, did you already shower?"
He rolled his eyes but didn't let her see him. "Yep."
"Then you need to brush your teeth and get in the bed."
"It's Friday," he whined.
"Now, Mark." She said in a weary tone as she walked past me into her bedroom.
Mark stomped into his room. "When I'm an adult, I'll do what I damn well please."
"If Mom hears you talking like that, you won't live to be an adult," Tana said.
Mark slammed his bedroom door and a photograph of the three of them hanging on the hallway wall fell onto the floor. Tana picked it up and sighed as she brushed it off and put it back.
"Has your dad been around this week?"
"No. He was supposed to take Mark to an amusement park but he didn't show. Mark waited on the front porch for hours. This is the fourth time in a row he's blown him off. I hate that Mark is hurt, but I'm not sorry my father isn't around much."
From what I'd gleaned about her father, he was pretty much a selfish asshole. I hated the sadness in her eyes and wanted desperately to fix it. "I have to work at the garage a half day tomorrow but you wanna do something after that? We could hit the party at Kurt's house. I'll be the key man so you can have a good time and I'll get you home safely."