To my surprise, Rafe shook his head. “This isn’t classical. You need to put some energy into it.”
I felt myself tense up at the criticism. “There’s energy in my music.”
“No, there isn’t. Listen.” He played a few bars on his drums. Simple, fine. “Now, compare that to this.” He played the exact same bars, but it was different. Buzzing with energy, vibrating. “See the difference?”
I pursed my lips, staring glumly at the keyboard. This was starting to feel like a piano lesson. “Yeah.”
“So, do it like that.”
I nodded, and played it again, then looked up. I bit my lip when I saw Rafe shaking his head again. “What’s wrong now?”
“You just played it louder. Louder isn’t better. Play it like you play the JamieX song.”
He was starting to sound like Crusty, wasn’t he? My head began to ache, but I sang a few lines of the JamieX song, then played the new song again.
This time I didn’t need to look at Rafe to know it wasn’t enough.
I dropped my hands and stepped back, my throat tight as all the old pressures slammed into me. That was it. The band experiment was an epic fail. Lily Gardner sucked. “You know, I think the band thing isn’t a good idea.”
Rafe rested his drumsticks on his thigh, his forehead wrinkled as if he had no clue what I was talking about. “Why are you freaking out? So you can’t get the song right yet? So what? That’s what practice is for.”
“No. It’s that stupid passion thing.” I started shaking my head and backing toward the door. “I just don’t have it. This is why I quit the piano. That’s why I’m not doing the audition. Because I can’t.” I was babbling now, but I didn’t care. “I have to leave. I just have to get out.”
“Get out?” His eyebrows shot up. “Where are you going?”
I didn’t answer him. I just yanked open the door and sprinted down the hall. Away. I just had to get away.
“Lily!”
Rafe caught up to me as I vaulted down the stairs. He grabbed my arm, I tripped, and we both went flying. His momentum sent him crashing into me, and we landed hard on the lawn. I groaned as we both sprawled across the grass, my body aching from the impact.
I didn’t bother to get up. It wasn’t worth it. Instead, I rolled onto my back and stared at the sky. The stupid blue sky. Why had I thought being inside playing in a band would be any different from being inside taking piano lessons? Nothing had changed.
“Sorry.” Rafe propped himself up on his elbow and peered down at me. “I didn’t mean to tackle you. You okay?”
“Fine. It’s my weekend for being tackled by guys, apparently.” I realized his face was right over mine. Like, his lips were inches from my face. All he had to do was lean over a little and... I squeezed my eyes shut and sighed. Rafe would never kiss me, and I needed to not think about it. “Go away.”
“What audition aren’t you doing?” he asked.
Oh, right. Because that’s what I wanted to discuss. Another Lily failure. “Nothing.”
“You mentioned it inside. What audition?” he asked again.
I opened my eyes. “You’re annoying.”
He grinned, not looking at all upset by my comment. “Probably. What audition?”
“God, fine.” I threw my arms up in exasperation. “NorthEast Seminary of Music secondary school program.” He was still leaning over me. He was so close I could smell his cologne or aftershave or whatever it was. It didn’t matter what it was. It simply smelled amazing. So I closed my eyes again and started breathing through my mouth.
“Are you kidding?” He sounded really impressed. “You got an audition for NESM? That’s awesome.”
A bubble of pride popped up at his genuine admiration, but I immediately squelched it. “No, because I’m going to fail at it and embarrass your aunt and my family. So I’m not going.”
I felt a tap on my forehead. I opened my eyes to find Rafe peering down at me. “What?”
His hair had flopped over his forehead and he looked totally cute. “You’re really not going?”
“Really.” I waited for him to tell me I was throwing my future away. To tell me what an idiot I was. To tell me that refusing to try was the worst kind of failure.
But all he did was roll onto his back, his shoulder resting against mine. “Cool.”
This time I levered myself up on my elbow so I could look at him. I didn’t understand why he wasn’t giving me grief. He clearly knew what a big deal an NESM audition was. “Cool? How is it cool I’m not going?”