All my time with Ryan was like a picture-perfect postcard from heaven. He worshipped my mind, body and soul in the bedroom and everywhere else, paying homage to every square inch of my skin in his own good time.
We went Christmas shopping together, another first for me, and we visited his mom. He took me out and showed me off, and I hated to admit how enjoyable it was when I caught other women looking at me jealously.
I was twirling through a metaphorical field of flowers, in love, and then my old life had to butt its head in again. This came in the form of a meeting with Sergeant Shelton, who had finally received the lab tests back on the sample of F I'd given him, after several delays that weren't explained to me.
According to the forensic scientists, not only was the sample I'd provided the highest quality they'd ever tested, it was completely pure. Ryan's source was able to get F that hadn't been cut at all, and Shelton's excitement at that shone through his professional veneer.
This meant that my investigation might very well be starting higher up in the food chain than any of us thought. My heart sank when I heard that.
The higher Ryan was in the F supply structure, the more difficult it would be to protect him from prosecution, no matter what I did. Doing my job meant stabbing him in the back, but now it also meant plunging that knife into my own heart at the same time.
Sergeant Shelton noticed how quiet I was and gave his best undercover cop pep talk. He reminded me that I wasn't the first undercover officer to go down this path, but then he surprised me by saying that I'd been in the field long enough to know that things happen that are never mentioned in the training.
He knew there were things going on that were never included in my reports and that was OK, there was always shit to work out from an undercover investigation. I got real quiet at that.
Just don't forget who you are, and don't forget who he is, he said.
For me, that was easier said than done. Love didn't come along every day. What was the right thing to do? Turn my back on it? Break the heart of the first man who ever showed me what being in love felt like? I was an undercover cop. Was I still?
You're the good guy, he's the bad guy.
Shelton's assessment was a lot simpler than mine. Regardless, with this new information and since Ryan didn't seem to be volunteering any contacts, my orders were to step up the investigation.
If F was ultimately being produced by The Cannibals, we needed to get to the bottom of things. With several gang members reported missing lately, some turning up extremely dead, the feeling around the station was that some third party was gearing up for a turf war.
Was it about control of F as well? We had to find out, before countless people died, some of them completely innocent bystanders who'd be nothing more than collateral damage in a criminal underworld war.
Since then, I'd been following Ryan as much as possible, while keeping up appearances at college just enough to maintain my cover. I was exhausted with all this and the constant mental gymnastics it took to try to stay grounded, while Ryan spent every moment sweeping me off my feet.
Most of the time, he only went to the building in the middle of the industrial area that had been converted into a rented workspace, with offices, meeting rooms, phones and computer workstations available. This wasn't news to me; Ryan told me he ran his cosmetics business from there when he needed to, and Sergeant Shelton confirmed that it was a real business that paid its taxes.
Today was different. Today, Ryan went into the Trafford Tower. My mind worked overtime trying to make up excuses for him. There were plenty of legitimate reasons to go into that building, but half of the businesses in there were suspected fronts for the Acardi Crime Family. The other half would probably be under suspicion too, if they were investigated closely enough.
Something Ryan's mother said when I first met her was bothering me too. She said Ryan was always into chemistry. Top marks in his class all through high school.
Oh, Ryan, what have you got yourself into?
What if he somehow continued his education in chemistry without his mom's knowledge? What if he was actually involved in the production of F?
What if he's actually the-
I cut off my internal monologue before it could finish the thought. Ryan, my Ryan, couldn't be one of the most wanted men in the country. That was a thought scary enough to run away from.
Running away sounded like a good idea. If Ryan asked me to run away from all this with him, I might just do it. I guessed that answered my question as to whether I was still a cop.
When I thought about my future, I no longer saw a young woman rising through the ranks in the police force, all alone. I saw Ryan and I together, I felt his touch. I felt his love. My fake life was overwhelming my present in a haze of love, and overwriting my future with its sweet promises.
I half-heartedly told myself that I was here visiting Ryan's mother so I could casually question her about Ryan's abilities as a chemist, any criminal history that may not have been caught or reported, who his friends were, what she knew about his college days … but I hadn't asked any of that.
The truth was that I came here because hearing somebody talk about Ryan who loved him so completely and unconditionally made me feel like I was being poured full of pure joy until I was almost drowning in it. I basked in her motherly attention like it was sunshine itself.
"I always wanted to do this," she said.
I sat on a chair right against the side of her bed, facing away so that she could plait my hair. She worked slowly and methodically, and I could only gauge her progress by the various gentle tugs at my scalp.
"Even when Ryan had long hair he wouldn't let me," she sighed.
"He had long hair?" I asked absent-mindedly.
"Once upon a time. So did I."
"It'll grow back though, right?"
"It sure will, little miss, but it'll never be as nice as yours!" she said playfully.
Diana had clearly taken on board how much Ryan needed to see her fighting as much as he was. Out of all my visits, I'd only seen her having one of the bad days Ryan mentioned one time, and that was right after one of her treatments.
We worked together to do all we could. We wiped her chin after she vomited, and we kept refreshing the cool facecloths against her forehead. I tried to keep everybody's spirits up and manage their fear, as well as staving off my own.
I could see how much Ryan needed her to be OK. When she had the strength, it was obvious how she had earned that special place in his heart. She was working her way into mine pretty easily, that was for sure. What I wouldn't have given to have somebody like her in my life as a scared and lonely little kid.
The sound of purposeful footsteps grew louder and louder, entering the room behind me. I felt Diana's manipulations of my hair pause, and tilted my head to the side a little to see a poker-faced doctor standing there with a clipboard.
"Hi there, Ms. Crewe, how are you feeling today?" he asked.
"I'm doing good," Diana replied tentatively.
"Hmmm. Well, I wanted to come have a talk with you. We've had some pretty important test results come back today. Is it OK for me to discuss them with you in the presence of … "
"Sarina," I said.
"In front of Sarina?" he finished.
I could feel Diana's bravery seeping out of her as the shaking of her hands was communicated through the grip she had on my hair.
"Y-yes … but … can I call my son? He should be here. For better or for worse."
Ryan
HOLY FUCKING SHIT!
My mind kept on wandering back to that day. Somehow I managed to get out of the Acardi building without being shot in the leg. Then a couple hours later, I had a call from my mom to get to the hospital.
The words rang out in my head. "Cancer in remission," and then the next few words were drowned out as Sarina, my mom and I hugged each other and laughed the kind of laugh you can only have when the Governor calls with a pardon just before they're about to throw the switch on your electric chair. Hysterical relief.
My lab assistants were walking on eggshells now, though. I'd been working them hard to make up for the slump in production, and spontaneously breaking out into laughter like the mad scientist some of the rumors had labelled me.
They were freaked out, and I didn't give a fuck. I'd spent my last Christmas in the hospital, full of more hope than I'd dared to have for-fucking-ever, and that was worth celebrating, if anything was.
The only real outlet for my energy was Sarina. I fucked-in the New Year with her and she shared in my joy. It did my heart good to see how well the two of them got along.
My phone beeped and buzzed in my pocket. I pulled it out to see a text message from an unknown number.
‘System online. Enter code 7di%4HN*tz into the remote app. Battery packs will last a year. Sale completed. We will be gone in a couple days. See you in the news. Track me down in the place I told you about in a few years.'