The F King: A Bad Boy Romance(30)

I had to remember I was a cop, I was working here, even though a huge part of me wanted to scream “Yes!” and dive on top of him. A boyfriend? For me? How fucking amazing would that be? Instead, I risked losing that beautiful thing.

Then there was the fact that I’d also just put out an ultimatum for Ryan. If he didn’t think I was worth it, then he’d just tell me to get my things and go. Then where would the investigation be?

My heart stopped what it was doing and focused on Ryan, to see if he’d been feeling these utterly forbidden things as strongly as I had. What was taking him so long? If only my life was as simple as his I’d have admitted everything by now.

Just tell me, Ryan… the things I’ve already done have probably put you out of the reach of the law anyway. You won’t get prosecuted in the end, you’ll be safe. I won’t let them get to you. Just tell me you sell F, that’s all I need for now… say it and we can be together. We can work everything else out later…

“I wasn’t lying about the cosmetics business,” said Ryan.

My heart considered not resuming its work, but then reluctantly started beating, as I dealt with a shrinking feeling that made me try to retract my hands from Ryan’s grasp. He didn’t let go.

“I wasn’t, the company exists and turns a good profit. But,” he took a deep breath and paused for an eternity, licking his lips and eyes looking upwards as if searching his head for the right words. “I don’t even know how to explain this.”

“Just tell me, Ryan… It’s OK…”

“I never tell anybody…”

I squeezed his hand.

“I’m an only child,” he began.

What that had to do with selling drugs, I had no idea, but I didn’t press him any further. I just listened carefully, hoping that was all the encouragement he needed to keep talking.

“Never knew my dad. Apparently he needed a girl who could take a beating a lot better than my mom. It took her finding out about being pregnant with me to work up the courage to get herself out of there and leave the cheating and the hitting behind.”

Ryan shut his eyes, raised his eyebrows and sighed as if he couldn’t believe these words were coming out of his mouth.

“For my whole life, it’s been just her and me. She had to work like a fucking slave to make ends meet. She had a part-time job during the day, looked after me between school and bedtime, and then a part-time job in the evenings, and odd-jobs all over the place. I can only imagine how exhausted she must have been.”

I gripped his hands tighter and shuffled closer so my knee touched his. Ryan had noticeably paled as he talked, and the heat seemed to have been sucked out of the room.

“I remember this one time, I must have been nine years old. I came home from school and she wasn’t there. We didn’t have a TV and there was nothing in the cupboards like the kind of packaged snacks my friends at school had. It’d been kind of a shitty day, kids being assholes like only kids can, and I was sitting there for a while feeling sorry for myself, angry at her for not having money like them. What a piece of shit…”

I shook my head. “You were only a-”

“Kid. Yeah. So I was sitting there on the couch and I heard her car kinda cough and splutter its way into the driveway and a minute later she came inside. She had this look on her face I was too young to understand, but I remember it and I know what it means now. She was nervous. What was she nervous about? Well, I was sitting there pouting like a spoiled brat and she knelt in front of me and she had this soccer ball in her hand. I looked at it, and then I looked at her.”

Ryan stopped for a second and then almost gave me a heart attack when he sobbed. A tear dropped from his eye, and I reached up to cradle his face and wipe it away with my thumb without thinking.

There was an impending sense of doom growing inside of me that was terrifying, as Ryan waved his hand in the general area in front of him, as if the memory of his mother was right there for us both to see.

“She had these bags under her eyes, wearing one of the two dresses I’d seen her wear in… ever. She had nothing for herself and she bought me a soccer ball. She must have been tired right down to her bones, but you know what she said?”

I shook my head, feeling cool air on tear-streaks on my own face.

“She said, “Sorry I’m late, sweetie, you wanna come play kicks with me in the park?””

Ryan didn’t talk for a while and I dropped my hand back down.

“I couldn’t have put it into words then, but that was the first time I had an inkling that she was giving me everything, and I promised to myself that, no matter what it took, I’d give her everything too. Only, when I gave it, it really would be everything. The world on a silver platter. Before I could do that, though, she got cancer.”