“Look,” he finally began, his usually confident voice wavering slightly. “I know I’ve been a dick lately. I know that and I’m sorry. I just—”
“Don’t, Cane. I get it. I get you.”
“You know what? You don’t. And I know you don’t because I don’t know that I get me anymore. Since the minute I saw you in the restaurant, I’ve not been able to stop thinking about you. There’s something about you that I can’t shake, that I want to get to know. I don’t just want to fuck you and move on, although that would make my life so much easier right now.”
“But you did do that to me, Cane,” I said angrily.
“No. No, I didn’t,” he said emphatically. “I never moved on. I know I technically did go to Payson, but that wasn’t me running from you. That was me knowing I was in over my head. And if you want the truth, I wanted you to call me. I wanted to know that you wanted me as much as I wanted you.”
He took a deep breath, his chest rising and falling rapidly.
“I’m sorry for leaving like that. Honestly, there was a part of me that did think if we fucked, I could move on. Because needing someone, Jada, is not something I know how to do. But you know what? It made it worse. I wanted you more, not less. I didn’t know how to handle that. I wasn’t sure what I was even feeling. Fuck, feeling anything at all is against every rule I’ve ever made.”
Cane looked briefly at the floor before raising his eyes to mine.
“Me leaving was me trying to give us both time to wrap our heads around everything.”
I wanted to latch on to what he was saying, but there was a fear of being rejected that I just couldn’t shake.
What if I was somehow misreading everything he said? What if he just wanted five nights instead of one?
Choosing to go the safe route and guard my heart, I decided to let him get everything out before responding. I didn’t want to look like a fool by jumping to conclusions. “Did you decide anything?”
He turned around and lay down beside me. I scooted backwards, allowing space between us. I didn’t want him that close because I wasn’t sure how things were going to end.
And it always seemed to end.
“Yeah, I decided that being with you is this conundrum. I want to be with you, but you deserve the best and I don’t know how to be a nice guy, Jada.”
“That’s not true. You are one of the nicest guys ever when you aren’t being an ass. But here’s the thing about that,” I turned, squaring myself up with him, “you choose to be an ass. I really believe that. You did that thing at the bar to intentionally hurt me, Cane. And it worked.”
He flinched. “That thing last night was one major fuckup. I can’t believe I did that and I won’t even ask for you to forgive me because I won’t forgive myself.” He didn’t continue until our eyes met. “I am embarrassed. I regret that. And I am sorry.”
I weighed his words in my mind. He said he was sorry and that means something, but is it enough to offset the pain he put me through on purpose? I felt my shoulders sag as I realized … it wasn’t.
“I don’t know that I can forgive you for that, Cane. Knowing for a fact that you knew you were hurting me, I don’t know if I can get over that.”
He looked down at the blanket and I watched his body droop. He slowly raised his eyes and they landed on my arm, the blue turning into a violent storm. “When Max called about … that, I realized something. I feel like you’re mine, Jada. That’s stupid and out of line, I know, but that is how I feel. I’ve felt that way for a while.”
“That is stupid and out of line, Cane.”
“You were what I worried about when I saw you with Simon. That’s why I had Max keep an eye on you.” He looked to the ground, biting his lip in hesitation before continuing. “That’s why I asked your dad to assign Zack to the Solomon Place account.”
“You did what? Why would you do that, Cane? I can’t even believe this! You totally overstepped your bounds.”
“You don’t understand! I had to make sure you were safe! And you obviously found a way around that, anyway. But part of that is my fault. I knew last night that something was different for me, something really different, when I hated myself for leaving that bar without you.”
I spun my ring around my finger as I absorbed his words. When he left that bar without me, I felt so inconsequential. And that was the same thing Decker had always made me feel and the one thing I swore I would never feel again.
“I realized that there are things out there worth fighting for, both literally and figuratively. Things were put into perspective for me tonight. The idea of you being hurt killed me, Jada. The thought of some other man’s hands on you had me seeing red. My reaction was worse than I even thought it would be. I could have killed him. Fuck, I still want to kill him.”