Tears silently slid down my cheeks, my emotions stripped raw. I wrapped my arms around his neck, tears pouring freely down my face. He held me tight against him, crushing our bodies together.
I held on for dear life: for my hopes, my dreams, my fears and for our future.
“Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you think is perfect, doesn’t mean that they don’t love you with all they have. And I love you with everything I am, Jada,” he whispered.
I pulled away from his embrace far too soon, but I couldn’t allow myself to get hauled back into things without really thinking them through on my own terms.
“When are you planning on leaving?” I asked, looking out the window.
He smiled. “As soon as you are ready to go home with me.”
I shook my head sadly. “Cane, I don’t think I can go now.”
He sat up straight, his eyes wild. “What do you mean you’re not going now?”
I looked away from him and towards a pic of Heather and Brian kissing and laughing at what appeared to be a concert venue. That is how things should be. Easy. Enjoyable. Fun.
“I’m not going to Arizona,” I said softly.
“Okay. So you want to wait a few days? I understand that.”
His voice was full of hope that I had to shatter.
I turned to look at him, his Adam’s apple bobbing. “Cane,” I began, “please don’t make this harder than it has to be.”
“This doesn’t have to be hard at all. You go pack your stuff and we get on a plane and go home.” He bit his lips as he watched my reaction. His mannerisms betrayed the coolness of his voice.
I had to look away from him before I spoke. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings, but I had to make sure that whatever I did was the right thing. If this wasn’t going to work out, I wanted to know now while I could restart easily and not be completely wrecked.
“There’s just a lot of stuff that I haven’t had time to process. I don’t want to just run back to Arizona and pretend like everything’s perfect. Decker lied to me, hid things from me so many times and I just listened to his apologizes and I—”
“I’m not fucking Decker! You can’t punish me for what he did to you!”
“I’m not punishing you for what he did to me, Cane. I am learning from what he did to me. And now that you are doing things that are very, very similar, I have to change the way I react. Otherwise, that’s the definition of insanity!”
“Jada,” he said as he knelt down in front of me, “please don’t do this.”
I looked into those blue eyes that I loved, the ones that made me feel safe and adored. There was a storm brewing. My chest burned with the feeling that I had caused that. “I’m looking out for myself. That’s all.”
“I want to look after you. You are my girl.”
I smiled sadly. It was so hard to hold myself together while I was breaking his heart. I knew I had to be strong and say what needed to be said. No time for more tears right now. “I love you. I just—I have to make sure this is the right thing. I’m not saying I won’t go back, I’m just saying I need a little time to breathe.”
“You need time to breathe? Fine. Do it from Tempe. But I’ll be damned if we have gone through all of this for you to back out now.”
“Cane, don’t do this to me. Don’t make this harder.”
“What do you want me to do, Jada?” He asked, his eyes blazing. “Do you want me to just walk away and not fight for you? Not fucking beg you to come with me? Because that’s what I can’t do. I won’t ever do that. You can’t expect me to fucking do that!”
I leaned back on the sofa, my eyes wide. “That’s not your decision to make.”
“The fuck if it isn’t!” He leaned forward, resting one of his hands on my knee. “I’ve gone my whole fucking life and never had this, never thought it was possible to have this! And now that I do, I won’t give it up. I won’t, baby. Everything I have done—every fucking thing!—has been to protect you, to give you what you deserve. I won’t back down now. I won’t lose you over this. Especially when I know you love me, too.”
He stood up, running his hand through his hair. I knew his brain was working overtime, the wheels turning wildly. “You want time?” He shrugged. “Fine. I’ll be in your room packing my shit.”
The lump that had been plaguing me formed again as his words hit home. He was really going to leave me.
It’s what I wanted.
“But I’ll be ordering our tickets home in about an hour. So go ahead and get your thoughts together or whatever you want to do. Because I am not leaving without you. Period.”