The Elephant Girl(134)

‘I thought you were angry with me.’

‘Never,’ said Ruth. ‘I was never angry with you. You were a honey. You still are.’

Warmed by this unexpected affection, Helen smiled briefly, then she frowned. ‘But why would Letitia do that? It couldn’t possibly bother her.’

‘Oh, yes, it could. You were Arseni’s child, and you had to pay for that. That was my sister in a nutshell. Just mean.’

Two step-aunts, one mean, the other a liar. The luck of the draw, Helen thought. But this is the hand I’ve been dealt.

‘But I came back, didn’t I? I’m here now, so there was no need.’

‘That’s not the reason,’ said Ruth. ‘Mother asked me to. She wanted her dignity back, not be this’—she flung out her arm—‘overweight half-invalid. She was only waiting until she’d seen you again and made sure you were fine, that you’d forgiven her.’ She plucked at a thread which had come loose from her skirt. Soon the hem would come undone.

‘She asked me several times, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. Wanted me to inject air into her vein to cause an embolism. I suppose she was physically capable of doing it herself but maybe it’s not an easy thing to do when it comes to it. In the end I did what she wanted.’

Ruth covered her face with her hands. Loud sobs racked her shoulders, and tears spilled out between her fingers as she trembled with grief and guilt. Forgetting her own sadness, Helen put her arm around her and held her close.

She waited for the familiar anger but was relieved when it didn’t come. So far anger had led precisely nowhere. Instead she tried to understand her aunt’s reasons. Aggie had manipulated them all in the end, not maliciously perhaps, but because she was used to getting her own way. Blaming Ruth for giving into some no-doubt forceful demands was pointless.

Still, she’d have liked to say a proper goodbye. ‘How was she when you last saw her?’

Ruth brought a handkerchief from her pocket and wiped her nose and eyes. ‘Uhm, I’m not entirely sure. She seemed at peace with herself, so I suppose she must’ve been. Mother never left you in any doubt about her opinions.’

Helen smiled. ‘True.’

‘She blamed herself for your bitterness. You were so sweet as a child, so trusting and generous despite that awful condition of yours. She felt she’d stolen your innocence.’

Helen shook her head. ‘She didn’t. The person who did that was the one who murdered my mother, and in some ways my mother is partly to blame for that. Not intentionally, of course, it just … happened that way. It wasn’t Aggie’s fault or yours. Anyway, I’ve carried enough grudges to last me a lifetime. Now I just want to get on with life, maybe do something useful with all this money. And I’ll need your help with that.’

Ruth nodded. ‘Anything.’

They hugged again, and Helen thought she might finally be able to move on.

As she typed her reply now, a flash of lightning flickered in the distance followed by the inevitable boom, and the café strip light as well as the computer screens dimmed for a moment, then returned to normal wattage. She looked up to see another set of ultraviolet witches’ fingers claw across the sky and knew she’d better finish writing her e-mails before the power went.

There was one from Jason too, dated a few days ago, after she’d last checked her account. Her heart leapt, and she clicked on it eagerly, but it was largely trivial. He talked about work and the house, although he did satisfy her hunger for news about their mutual friends in one short paragraph.

Fay has tossed the crutches. She’s renting a stall at the market and is mega busy making dresses for her grand opening in a couple of weeks. Lee got a job at a veterinary surgery, cleaning out cages and looking after sick animals. And … you’re not going to believe this (actually you probably will …) but he brought home some cross-breed stray, and it’s pregnant(!!!) God knows what the pups are going to look like. :-)

No mention of the last time they’d seen each other and the way she’d left, and she wasn’t sure whether to be disappointed or relieved that he seemed to be getting on just fine without her. Apart from the fact that he’d soon have a houseful of piddling mongrels.

His next paragraph made her throat constrict.

Charlie’s getting better too. She’s changed a bit, though. In fact, she’s a bit more sensible, if you can believe that. :-D Oh, and she has a message for you, and I quote, “I understand why you left, but I still think you’re being bloody stupid”. Her words, not mine.

He rounded up in the most British of ways, by talking about the weather. For a moment she let the cursor hover over the Reply button. She owed him a response but it was difficult. Would he believe her if she told him that every single day she regretted her decision to leave, but it still felt like the right thing to do? That she hadn’t run away to protect herself, but to make life easier for him? She suspected he would understand, but saying those actual words made it all so final.